DH and MIL - what to do now?

[Mumofnetters]

In 2020 DH went LC with his parents. This was due to a catalyst event that reiterated that DH has always been treated worse than his two siblings (scape goat / golden child), he read Stately Homes on here and then made his decision. MIL made comments that she wishes DH had left me at the alter along with other nasty words because she blames me for this, but this has all been said behind my back.

LC has rumbled along. MIL and FIL apparently want reconciliation but have not made any attempt (even so far as ignoring us and storming past DH at a family event).

I gave birth a few months ago and kept it completely “secret” I.e. only those I saw in person (so my family and all our friends) knew.

We announced to his parents and siblings via a group chat as we felt they needed to know. We received a message of congratulations from MIL. We then planned to meet his extended family to introduce DS (as again, none of them knew we were expecting) and invited his parents. FIL didn’t come due to a prior engagement they had made (even though we specifically arranged the date with them) and MIL said she wanted to be an active grandparent. No bridges were built.

Now it’s been 6 weeks since the meet. They have not ever asked how DS is doing and FIL has not made any attempt for meeting. DH told MIL he was upset that his dad didn’t come to the meet since he had no idea he wouldn’t be there, so a few days after DH got an email from FIL saying that he had a prior engagement and that’s why he wasn’t there to meet DS but they want to be allowed access to DS.

DH has responded saying 1) he doesn’t believe their actions and words marry up and without this, they won’t be involved (to the extent of spending time with him, we won’t ever allow active grandparenting) 2) that he knows what they think of me and our marriage and that they need to own up to it and reconcile.

They responded denying any wrong doing and that it never happened.

What does DH do now? I think it’s time to just go NC and cut losses but I think DH needs to hear it from strangers.

I think DH thought DS would suddenly make his parents own up to all the issues and say they love him and make effort, but this didn’t materialise.

DH is fine with me posting this.

Bad parents make bad grandparents. They won't take accountability for past actions . I'd stay lc or nc if it makes life more peaceful .

Nothing changes with parents like that, my mum is no different now than she was when I was a child.

I have had children, life has happened and she continues to be a shit parent. Children don't change a thing

Give up completely and live a stress free life.
People never change.

They have offered little positive to their sons life so the odds are they will bring nothing to their grandchild either

They have no intention of changing. Time to go NC.

100% this. They offer nothing but oroblems.

Should DH respond to the last message or just leave it now?

I just can’t believe they haven’t text to ask about him?!

Do I invite them to his baptism? Send Christmas card?

They don't deserve access to your DC and you have zero obligation. Go NC.

Just leave it.
Im NC with my parents and we are very LC with DHs family. People like this don’t change. If they have decided to put all the blame on you, if they have contact with your child they could end up driving wedges between you as your child grows up, believe me, my in-laws tried hard and have at times created chaos to the point it made me unwell.
Move on with your child not knowing them.

They haven’t asked about your child because they aren’t that interested in your DH if he is the scapegoat (DH and I were both our families scapegoats). Your child will just be used to hurt you all further if you let them in.

Dont invite them to the Baptism, again I learnt this the hard way! They will spoil it, or start bad mouthing you to people if they blame you for the rift.

In bringing my own experiences into this, but if I could go back in time this is what I would be advising myself!

Look they are just not normal people, everything is a power play. Stop expecting them to behave normally.

I wouldn't bother inviting or sending cards to people o dislike and think are awful people. Once you start thinking like this you know how to go forward.

It's all to do with your Dh's gut feeling and how he wants to deal with it

They've shown with their actions what they think of you and your actions. They feel hurt, disdain, affronted and entitled and are probably expecting regret and remorse and repentance from your DH.

If your DH wants to reach out to people like that, he should be aware of the consequences. As his wife, I wouldn't be supporting him.

Grandparents can be an absolute joy to parents and grandchildren. But they don't need to be. The child can have a full and happy life without.

They will NEVER admit they were wrong.
They will NEVER apologise.
And your DH was will NEVER get the validation he still craves.

Re read the above again.

Once you truely accept this you can move on with your life- and be happy.

Also remember in moments of anger / resentment- the best revenge is a life well lived.

In the other words create the best life for you , as best you can, and ignore them. (it will drive them crazy).

You don’t do anything. You allow DH to make his decision and you back him to the hilt. I have a sibling I’m NC with and I’d be furious if DH contacted him.

This

This sort of grandparent will post all over social media about how their grandkids are their life, sound off to anyone who will listen about how the GCs are being withheld from them but when actually given the opportunity to babysit will vanish into dust.

I suggest you and your DH do whatever seems the least effort. This might be NC, it might be LC - which can be easier as you send Christmas and Birthday cards, turn up to weddings or big family events but otherwise make no effort and have very very low expectations.

Whatever you do, it should be your DH's decision as he knows his parents best and what he is going to find the least burdensome.

If they aren't good enough to have in your life why would you offer your ds to them?

baffled you and your dh would expect any different

i wouldn’t have invited them back in to my life let alone my child’s

I gave birth a few months ago and kept it completely “secret” I.e. only those I saw in person (so my family and all our friends) knew.

what a hullabaloo.

Why?

Op did they actually use the word access?
My ils don't see ds.. They were shit dps to dh and let him down badly when ds was born with their attitude.. Been nc since ds was 3 months old.. Been over 10 years. No regrets.
Yabu to even consider figuring them into your lives ime.

This is all so odd

Your DH rightfully distanced himself from his parents for last 4 years

You give birth and think… let’s introduce them back in to our lives and then get pissed off that they haven’t magically transformed

If i’m LC with someone… rest assured my child would be NC with that particular person

I just can’t believe they haven’t text to ask about him?!

Come again?

I don’t know them from Adam, but on the basis of you Op, I could have told you that

By the sounds of it… your DH is also LC with his siblings?

DH will always ask my opinion and honestly, he’d do what I suggest as he trusts my judgement

Because we don’t talk to them so I wouldn’t say anything naturally and everyone who we valued we saw over the 9m. We don’t post anything to do with DS on social media and are very private.

Also I was worried due to previous loss and didn’t need their stress or judgement.

I ended up almost dying and DS was prematurely brought into the world, we spent the first weeks in intensive care and are still under monitoring.

DH felt they should have the right to meet DS and I obliged. As I said, I think he hoped they’d suddenly regret everything and beg for him to forgive them.