DH and MIL - what to do now?

[Mumofnetters]

In 2020 DH went LC with his parents. This was due to a catalyst event that reiterated that DH has always been treated worse than his two siblings (scape goat / golden child), he read Stately Homes on here and then made his decision. MIL made comments that she wishes DH had left me at the alter along with other nasty words because she blames me for this, but this has all been said behind my back.

LC has rumbled along. MIL and FIL apparently want reconciliation but have not made any attempt (even so far as ignoring us and storming past DH at a family event).

I gave birth a few months ago and kept it completely “secret” I.e. only those I saw in person (so my family and all our friends) knew.

We announced to his parents and siblings via a group chat as we felt they needed to know. We received a message of congratulations from MIL. We then planned to meet his extended family to introduce DS (as again, none of them knew we were expecting) and invited his parents. FIL didn’t come due to a prior engagement they had made (even though we specifically arranged the date with them) and MIL said she wanted to be an active grandparent. No bridges were built.

Now it’s been 6 weeks since the meet. They have not ever asked how DS is doing and FIL has not made any attempt for meeting. DH told MIL he was upset that his dad didn’t come to the meet since he had no idea he wouldn’t be there, so a few days after DH got an email from FIL saying that he had a prior engagement and that’s why he wasn’t there to meet DS but they want to be allowed access to DS.

DH has responded saying 1) he doesn’t believe their actions and words marry up and without this, they won’t be involved (to the extent of spending time with him, we won’t ever allow active grandparenting) 2) that he knows what they think of me and our marriage and that they need to own up to it and reconcile.

They responded denying any wrong doing and that it never happened.

What does DH do now? I think it’s time to just go NC and cut losses but I think DH needs to hear it from strangers.

I think DH thought DS would suddenly make his parents own up to all the issues and say they love him and make effort, but this didn’t materialise.

DH is fine with me posting this.

and he’s LC with his siblings too?

why invite this kind of drama in to your life, especially now you have a child

How many times do they need to show you who they are before you believe them?
Bad parents don't make worthwhile grandparents.
Accept this is who they are. It's not your husband it's them. Block and move on.

Any opinion you have needs to be kept to yourself.

This is completely down to your DH. You do not want any blame in the future for whatever decision he makes.

Forget it, you don't need them, they don't sound too bothered anyway.
She said vile things about you and then expects you to be friends.
People need to be tactful and kind otherwise they miss out.
You wouldn't ac ept this from a friend, you'd move on, so don't take it from family.
They should have treated you better their loss.
Sometimes people have to learn the hard way.

This would be a no brainer for me. I did 5 years of no contact due to appalling behaviour from ILS. They apologised eventually. Your ILS sound incredibly entitled. I'm not sure why you've made so much effort with them. If you let them into your DC's life, they will reward you by going to court seeking a contact order when you eventually cut them off. Someone will be along in a minute to say there's no such think as grandparents' rights in the UK (if that's where you are), but do not underestimate the stress caused by having to pay a solicitor to represent you whilst you deal with their bullshit. They sound absolutely vile.

I think you need to keep out of it & not influence him. It’s a big decision & he needs to make this decision solely by himself. You thinking he should go NC or hearing it from strangers shouldn’t influence him.

Nope. This has to be his decision and his decision alone. NC is a huge and painful step to take and it has to be his alone.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand the issue.

You went LC - and you got LC. Maybe they have taken the hint, and are trying to maintain the boundaries and wishes you set in place?

I think this sounds like a case of having your cake and eating it.

This.

Drop them entirely now. If they are in DC life, they will slag you off to your child when they are old enough to listen anyway.

You have totally unrealistic expectations of these people. Be done.

I haven't spoken to my sister in fifteen years. As soon as I could get her out of my life, I did. She is a nightmare and life is so much easier without toxic people that you have to 'manage'.

I don’t see anything wrong with keeping a pregnancy quiet, secret isn’t the right word, we only told those who saw us. I didn’t know when SIL was pregnant either as we didn’t see her.

My relationship with my family is very strong and I have a wonderful relationship with my parents.

The questions I’ve raised have been asked by DH, not me. He would want to invite them to baptism.

Just stop with the questioning of lc or nc. There is no need to label it. What DH needs to do (for his own sanity) is to mirror their energy. Let them make the first move, then DH can respond if he chooses.

If he wants to then send the christening invites but don't chase it up if they don't rsvp. Send a Christmas card but no updates or presents. Keep the communication line open so there are no regrets but he doesn't need to chase or wonder or argue or plead. Perhaps give them the same thought as you would a neighbour - civil, polite but no expectation.

The parents are still trying to control the situation and are now punishing your DH in the hope that he will apologise so your baby has grand parents. This is all about power and they want all of it and you get none.

This is not how healthy relationships work.

I'm so sorry you have this stress in your life. I think that you and your DH should go NC. You have offered them this chance and they have chosen to respond in the manner that they did.

They are unlikely to be good grandparents and may even try to "weaponise" their contact with your DS in order to get at you and your DH.

Concentrate on building a happy and secure future without them in it; you, your DH and your DS can be a strong unit together without their poison dripping in. You gave them a chance to be decent. They declined to take it.

Your DH may need some support in order to grieve for the relationship and childhood that he should have had, perhaps some counselling may help? But your solid support and help in keeping them away will mean a lot, I'm sure. I'm sorry that he had such mediocre parents. I hope he knows that that's not his fault. Nothing he could have said or done would have made them behave any better, or made them give him the love and kindness that he deserved.

Wishing you happier times ahead. x

The ball's in their court. Let them get in touch. If they don't, they don't. If they don't even ask whether or not you're planning to get your DS baptised or christened, assume they're not that interested, in which case why would you invite them? Invite people who have shown you that they care about your child!

What about your DH's siblings? Have they bothered being in contact or not since you all met up? If they have, I would be inclined to invite them (and any partners/ children) as these will be your DS's cousins, aunts and uncles.

Did your H really think that he could present them with a grandchild and they would break down in tears, admit they had been awful and promise to change?
I can see why he might hope so but it was never going to happen, people like this will never change and to let them into your lives sets you all up for a lifetime of disappointment.
Just leave it completely, if your H wants any contact then support him but have none yourself and if he chooses not to then support that as well

I’m with the ‘mirror the energy’ approach.

You don’t actually need to ‘do’ anything. No announcements, no lines drawn.

Simply stop thinking about, worrying over, mentally preparing around them. If they message, decide what response is suitable. Let them make the running, and keep your response low key.

Life will be much easier.

Yes, I think there’s a backstory here, 🤷‍♀️

@Mumofnetters

If he asks you 'what do I do', you tell him that the decision MUST be his and his alone. It's time he grew up and took responsibility for his life and his relationships. If he wants to be LC/NC with his parents he must make that decision, not just go along with what you tell him to do. Tell him that you will support him in his efforts to the best of your ability, but that the final decision and the 'real' effort must come from him.

Yes, we had a baby die. So we didn’t want to “jinx it”. Not relevant.

They don't have a right to anything whatsoever.