DH and MIL - what to do now?

[Mumofnetters]

In 2020 DH went LC with his parents. This was due to a catalyst event that reiterated that DH has always been treated worse than his two siblings (scape goat / golden child), he read Stately Homes on here and then made his decision. MIL made comments that she wishes DH had left me at the alter along with other nasty words because she blames me for this, but this has all been said behind my back.

LC has rumbled along. MIL and FIL apparently want reconciliation but have not made any attempt (even so far as ignoring us and storming past DH at a family event).

I gave birth a few months ago and kept it completely “secret” I.e. only those I saw in person (so my family and all our friends) knew.

We announced to his parents and siblings via a group chat as we felt they needed to know. We received a message of congratulations from MIL. We then planned to meet his extended family to introduce DS (as again, none of them knew we were expecting) and invited his parents. FIL didn’t come due to a prior engagement they had made (even though we specifically arranged the date with them) and MIL said she wanted to be an active grandparent. No bridges were built.

Now it’s been 6 weeks since the meet. They have not ever asked how DS is doing and FIL has not made any attempt for meeting. DH told MIL he was upset that his dad didn’t come to the meet since he had no idea he wouldn’t be there, so a few days after DH got an email from FIL saying that he had a prior engagement and that’s why he wasn’t there to meet DS but they want to be allowed access to DS.

DH has responded saying 1) he doesn’t believe their actions and words marry up and without this, they won’t be involved (to the extent of spending time with him, we won’t ever allow active grandparenting) 2) that he knows what they think of me and our marriage and that they need to own up to it and reconcile.

They responded denying any wrong doing and that it never happened.

What does DH do now? I think it’s time to just go NC and cut losses but I think DH needs to hear it from strangers.

I think DH thought DS would suddenly make his parents own up to all the issues and say they love him and make effort, but this didn’t materialise.

DH is fine with me posting this.

Do your child (and yourselves) an enormous favour and cut the fucking rope. That's my advice. People like this do not change and trying to form any sort of healthy relationship with them will bring nothing but misery.

Your DH needs to form his own opinion on this. Can he get some counselling to help him do this?

Your views, and definitely the views of some strangers off the internet, shouldn’t influence his choice.

You can support him, but fundamentally he needs to examine their behaviour and his feelings about it, then decide if he wants to continue with that in his life going forward.

Absolutely this.

The opinion of randomers on MN - who really don’t know his family’s dynamic - should not influence him.

To be honest, I think you are influencing him too much here too OP.
Not telling them you were pregnant sounds cold to me by the way, especially when you then expected them to jump to attention on command…closeness works both ways.

This is his family and his decision. Don’t make his mind up for him. It’s not fair.

This. Step away, it's not your decision.

Many of us have miscarried, it's awful, but I don’t think I'd keep a pregnancy 'secret' right up until 9 months, & a few months after birth- that is very unusual.

they want to be allowed access to DS.
This, from FIL who couldn't be bothered to come and see him.
The message is that they're not interested in their son and DIL, but they fancy playing granny and grandad with the baby. They have absolutely no right to that.
Your role is to support your DH, not playing peacemaker and try to give these horrible people what they want. If you went handing out invitations behind his back, you'd be undermining him.
As PPs have said, the mistake you're making is seeing them as normal people.

I’m not sure that I am understanding this properly. You husband thinks he was treated differently? Lots of people think this when it isn’t the case at all. You didn’t tell them about the baby until you had given birth and then announced it in a group message?

if I were them I would be terribly hurt. The only thing you have said that I think is wrong is saying that their son should have left you are altar but how do you know this is true?

I'm really sorry, I completely understand and it is so hard...🙏
Give up on the expectations. They are not going to change, nor own up to their mistakes and apologise and have a revelation... They simply can't. Build your life as a family outside their orbit. You are now very vulnerable, with a baby. You need your fortress. Once you're stronger and more well rested, you can reassess the situation.

I’ve been here, admittedly as kids got older . Nothing changes I’m afraid; I found my parents, and my husband’s, fail or refuse to see any wrong doing or admit to any failings. We have 6 children, 3 sets of grandparents, and tbh nine of them kniw our kids . And that’s ok, because they are really close as siblings, and we already are very open when things go wrong.
enjoy your baby, don’t waste time chasing something that just won’t happen. Your baby will know no different! Sending hugs x

DH decided this with a therapist, they said the therapist put things in his head.

They’ve done a lot worse and he was factually treated differently as he was a mistake - this has been said. The mum had planned to leave the dad but didn’t as she got pregnant. Factually been discussed.

Ive said I’ve seen the evidence to know 100% what awful things she has said about me and my family. Not going to go into it anymore than that.

DH agreed about the “secret” this included my wider family and friends. If you can’t be bothered to contact us, why would you know? His mum didn’t speak to him or attempt to in the 9m.

I will never tell / announce my pregnancy to anyone. I find it weird.

Completely agree - the drama associated with the LC / NC labels doesn’t really seem like it’s necessary here as your problem doesn’t sound like they are impossible to get along with in person or trying to interfere all the time, it just sounds like they are not that into being in your and your son’s life. My mother died when I was 5 and had been NC with her mother to the extent my father had never met her - my father was the sort of person who likes to keep doors open and so he actively sought her out immediately and kept the door open for her to be in our lives. She was super flaky and I probably only saw her every few years despite the fact that we were her only child’s children BUT that didn’t hurt us and I’m glad I had some very limited sense of connection to that side of my family. I don’t have a strong attachment to her at all but I also never felt emotionally let down by her as she just was pleasant enough when we did we see her and my father was open with us about her weaknesses as well - and she was obviously invited to “big” events. If the grandparents are actively harmful in person it’s different - but if they are just disinterested accept them for who they are. I’ve had to do the same for my half sister since I had kids - and yes I was disappointed in her lack of interest when she always said she’d be super interested and active, but I wouldn’t cut her off for it as she’s perfectly ok with my son when she does see him. She’s just too wrapped in her own world to truly engage.

There is clearly a lot of back story here that’s not being shared.
It’s up to your DH how he handles his family, and you should stay out of it.
It’s up to you how you handle his family.

Hopefully the two of you find a path that works for both of you.

Honestly, they don’t sound like good people and your husband doesn’t have a good relationship with them. This will not change as they don’t believe they have anything to apologise for. I think you’re setting yourselves up for disappointment and heartache by hoping they’ll change against all odds.
Also I’m surprised at the responses to your ‘secret’ pregnancy. I’m doing largely the same, currently 20 odd weeks, and only really telling people we see and socialise with regularly.

I think you're both lucky that they seem to be backing off - even if it's painful (once again) for your husband to feel so disregarded. If he can keep up the therapy, and let them fade off into the background of your lives as they seem willing to do, you'll probably know far more peace. They know where he is if they have a sudden realisation and want to apologise and be accountable.

They fucked up DH: why give them a chance to fuck up DS?