Sibling’s secret wedding

[IsitanIssue]

Name change for obvious reasons.

Without being too outing, keeping it short as need opinions!

I got engaged, booked the venue, sent out save the dates to our guests. After sending out the save the dates, my sibling became engaged and booked their wedding to take place abroad 2 months after mine.

To avoid drip feeding: This is my first marriage. It is my sibling’s second marriage.* They left their first marriage after having an affair. It’s been less than 5 years since they got married the first time.

We did not go to my sibling’s wedding because it was a few months after ours and on the other side of the world. Unsurprisingly, we were broke after our wedding and did not have time to plan financially to go on their holiday of a lifetime so soon after our own celebrations. Clearly, relations were strained. This has created a HUGE rift in the family, and this sibling shouted at me several times and family members have been furious with us for not attending their wedding.

TWIST: It now turns out that my sibling secretly got married LOCALLY just days before our own wedding. So when we did not go abroad a few months later, we actually did not miss their legal marriage, as this was secretly attended locally to us with parents there. No one else seems to know the wedding abroad was not the legal wedding. Now legally, there was no need to get married in advance locally, as the wedding abroad would have been entirely legal and they are residents there.

AIBU- No reason to feel annoyed, and they are right to resent you.

YANBU- They hid important information about the wedding when shouting at you. That’s annoying.

*They have since broken up!

Absolutely agree! The entitled, “look over there” deranged and jealous behaviour and other family members aligning with the absurd,pointless drama all scream narcissistic male golden child. The scapegoat OP is at the beginning of seeing how the dynamics play out in the family. Two options are grey rock or run like the wind- stay out of manufactured drama.

This "secret wedding" before the other big wedding wasn't performed by the Archbishop of Canterbury in the couple's back yard, was it?
He's got form for that sort of shenanigans, according to some.

(Sorry if this weak joke has already been made; I've read all the OP's posts but not every other post)

It's an invite, not a summons. They are welcome to invite anyone they want and anyone, including family, are entitled to politely decline the invite. It doesnt matter what the back story is or how many weddings they have had before.

@IsitanIssue regardless of whether it was jupdged you felt the second marriage less important, regardless of whether they think you could afford it because you had a big wedding, I cannot see how they can behave so badly. In itself it is not a reason to ‘never miss another wedding’ so don’t be feeling you have to attend to keep the peace. Nobody has a right to shout at you about it. Sure, they can ask about it and you have a bit of a heated discussion but it’s they who’ve chosen not to believe you. My parents would have told them to get over themselves!

OP keep it simple - you could not afford to go so soon after your wedding and your DS knew that before she even got engaged and married so soon after you, end of.
Additionally if anyone repeatedly shouted at me, I’d tell them I was was not putting up with that and I’d not be in their presence to be on the receiving end
Don’t let people treat you badly or try to run your life

Life's too short to work this one out I'm afraid! What does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

That’s very reasonable of you!! As next time you were in the same room with family I’d ask loudly if now they were divorced had they told everyone they secretly got married a few days before your wedding?
serve them right.

They sound very unreasonable for shouting at you and causing a rift over your attendance at their wedding. I do think when some people get married they think it's the only event in anyone's lives and most important event of the year. Which obviously it is not. Especially with them having it abroad, I think the baseline expection of an abroad wedding is that some people just can't come for a plethora of reasons.

However, I do think YABU about the 'real' wedding thing. I'm getting married at a location in the UK next year, and to save money will be doing a legal ceremony at the registry office prior to the wedding as it saves soooo much money, it's not cheap to hire a registrar and they cannot be as flexible. We won't be exchanging rings at the legal ceremony, it takes about 10 minutes and we will just have 2 witnesses. A week later a celebrant is marrying us, in front of our loved ones, we will exchange our own written vows and exchange rings at this ceremony. This is quite common nowadays because of the ££. It certainly does not make the wedding any less 'real' and I'm not a 'liar' for not telling my guests. Just some info for you.

Now I’ve read all the updates I think you’d be quite the saint to not also ask, loudly, ‘what everyone wants to know is of course were you already sleeping with future spouse 3 before separating from <exname>?

If you financially could not afford to go , they should have been understanding, why not invite you to their secret wedding instead? I'd be annoyed with them , not having the secret wedding and expecting you to go abroad when youu couldn't afford it

Just let it go, she sounds pathetic 🙄

Well I can understand your sibling being hurt that you didn't come. Me and my now ex eloped but did tell siblings (they were the only people) and offered to pay for them to join us. My brother came but my sister didn't - she'd got married three months earlier with a HUGE wedding abroad, two hen nights (which I had to organise, as chief bridesmaid) and I did a speech at her wedding and made everything special. She couldn't be bothered to come to mine, but tbh, that's the tone of our entire relationship. It didn't cause a rift because a) I know what she's like (a narcissist) and b) I eloped so actually you can't be too angry with people for not coming.

Which puts me firmly on the fence re your AIBU! But given they've already split up, it seems a bit tragic if they're still angry with you about this.

It comes across in your OP like you’re annoyed they got married so soon to your own marriage, sorry if I’ve misinterpreted but it reads that way, that’s unreasonable if so.

Your sis is unreasonable for expecting you to go to a destination wedding. They’re expensive and your reasons for not being able to attend are very reasonable. The legal part is irrelevant imo!

Are you sure he hasn't been? I'm getting vibes of Boris Johnson off this....

I think regardless of circumstances I think when people decide to get married abroad they really just need to accept that for a variety of reasons some of their friends/ family will not go. It's not personal or a reflection of how much anyone cares. It's a lot of time/ cost/ arrangements.

This has really made me lol!

So I think I may have not explained very well why the wedding abroad was legal.

So the wedding abroad was abroad for me, my and sibling’s family, and sibling’s friends. But for my sibling, the wedding was actually in the country they moved to with their ex spouse. So today my sibling still lives and works there years after the divorce. In a way, the ‘secret’ legal wedding they had 5 minutes up the road from me was abroad for them 😂And why I’m annoyed I had no idea about it then have been put through hell for not being able to attend their ‘local to them’ wedding. At least I feel like it would have been nice to know the full circumstances around the wedding having the local legal ceremony because it was not a complete secret/administrative event - a select few attended.

We estimated the cost for our tickets and accommodation would have easily been £5k which even now feels like a painful amount for a couple to spend at short notice 2 months after getting married. If we had been given a clear cut 12+ months notice we would have made cuts to our own wedding budget and been there with bells on!

What a witch of an entitled women. She needs to get over herself. Sounds to me as if she was trying to overshadow your day out of jealousy. I would just stay away from her drama for a while let her stew.

@IsitanIssue surely you werent the only people who couldn’t attend? Your siblings affair, legal marriage, the fact it’s a second marriage and that you had just got married are all entirely irrelevant to the situation (although useful context).

The issue is you were invited to attend a wedding abroad that was financially out of reach for you and your spouse. It’s an invitation, not a summons. It would obviously have been great if you could have attended but financial implications is a legitimate reason to decline, especially at short notice. It’s unreasonable of your sibling to be angry about this, they were no doubt disappointed but anger is unfair.

Im wondering how you presented the fact you couldn’t attend? If you calmly explained that you just didn’t have the money and were really sorry to be missing it then they should have accepted that with grace. If you said we can’t afford it but it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s a second marriage, the result of an affair and I just got married so need all attention on me then they’d have grounds to be angry.

I presume you gave the first response in which case it’s a them issue and all you can do is let it go and hope they will reflect on their own actions.

We’ve reflected a lot on the replies on this thread. It was out of character for my sibling to shout at me that way, and it does seem like the wedding remains a trigger for them. They change when it comes up. It was also the first time I’ve ever said ‘no’ to them. Potentially the first time anyone in the family ever said ‘no’, which was likely a shock.

We think people may be right that it was a stressful time for them and us not going may have been something they found embarrassing, a public ‘we don’t approve’. This was not our intention and naturally I’d always seen them as my confident older sibling (never breaks a sweat). I was very busy with my own wedding - I’d never had any experience planning an event of that scale before. I really didn’t have the headspace to wonder how my older sibling who’s 1) been through this before 2) planned it all very last minute was feeling! Hindsight is 20/20 and I’d spent most my life looking up to them!

Wow, your family is big on drama, huh.

So what if her wedding was "legal" or not. That's a ridiculous thing to bang on about. She had an event that she wanted her family at and was hurt that you didn't go. That's her issue.

That you didn't go is fine though. We, as human beings, are allowed to make such decisions for ourselves.

Let it go, let it go...

Is it a brother or sister?

and yes, if this is the first time they’ve heard “no” from you /wider family, if up to now they have been “main character” and you have just been someone supporting them, then you saying “this is a big deal to you, but not to me” would be surprising/shocking and so possibly still a trigger.

they don’t feel you can say no to them. That what is important to them can be less important to you than something else you had going on.

I do think it would be ok to point it out to them.

Yes a wedding abroad can be legally recognised but it dies cause complications for example if you want to move to another country they arent always recognised from there. Or if you need copies sometimes you have to go back to that country to get them etc. Weddings ike this abroad usually go through the motions of a 'legal' wedding without signing the paperwork

We have missed a variety of wedings over the years due to the planning of them. Never felt bad about it as often a midday ceremony and then an evening recption. I didnt fancy hanging around in a random town with a baby and a toddlerin my frock etc! Often expensive too. No way we could have spent 5 grand back then on a destination "wedding". Fortunately my sisters second wedding was quite local to us! I did find out years later that my husbands brother was annoyed we didnt go to his wedding. I just laughed as they are not at all close and we literally never see him because hes not a very nice person.

Forget any bad feelings you have about this. Ignore the comments of any family members who expected you to go - you made the right choice as you could not afford it
Commiserate with her over her marriage breakdown - and enjoy a bit of schadenfreude - you deserve it!!