Sibling’s secret wedding

[IsitanIssue]

Name change for obvious reasons.

Without being too outing, keeping it short as need opinions!

I got engaged, booked the venue, sent out save the dates to our guests. After sending out the save the dates, my sibling became engaged and booked their wedding to take place abroad 2 months after mine.

To avoid drip feeding: This is my first marriage. It is my sibling’s second marriage.* They left their first marriage after having an affair. It’s been less than 5 years since they got married the first time.

We did not go to my sibling’s wedding because it was a few months after ours and on the other side of the world. Unsurprisingly, we were broke after our wedding and did not have time to plan financially to go on their holiday of a lifetime so soon after our own celebrations. Clearly, relations were strained. This has created a HUGE rift in the family, and this sibling shouted at me several times and family members have been furious with us for not attending their wedding.

TWIST: It now turns out that my sibling secretly got married LOCALLY just days before our own wedding. So when we did not go abroad a few months later, we actually did not miss their legal marriage, as this was secretly attended locally to us with parents there. No one else seems to know the wedding abroad was not the legal wedding. Now legally, there was no need to get married in advance locally, as the wedding abroad would have been entirely legal and they are residents there.

AIBU- No reason to feel annoyed, and they are right to resent you.

YANBU- They hid important information about the wedding when shouting at you. That’s annoying.

*They have since broken up!

Personally I would tell them straight, your are drawing a line under it all. You couldn’t attend destination wedding due to financial reasons end of. The fact the marriage is over is irrelevant to me doesn’t mean your sister couldn’t be a little hurt however your reason was very valid.

As for the other details you’ve included like getting married officially before destination wedding and the date being so close to yours is also not important and tbh without sounding harsh so what.

Sounds Like if big family rift you’ve been involved with opinions of your own and it’s old news, takes at least to argue, just remove yourself from the situation as in if discussed end discussion don’t fire back. Apologies that her feels were hurt but you had very valid reason. It really is not worth it

If your parents are so bothered did they offer to pay for you to go?

It sounds like you had a lavish wedding and honeymoon and I can understand from their pov that it doesn't look great that you did all that and didn't save a bit to go to the wedding tbh.

Still no excuse to be shouting at you for it.

So they want you to go to their 'reception', but pay for yourself. Did they contribute towards their attendance of your reception. YANBU. They will have been married for months before you go on their elaborate holiday, which is basically what it is as it's all for show. I would be more pissed they married without telling you, they and your parents have known since before your wedding, yet they have let it go this far when they have kept this secret all along

I got married abroad because I live abroad and not a single family member came, for various reasons.

No rift at all. It's just a wedding, no-one should feel obliged to go to any other than their own (and their kids if they can, but I had no resentment towards my parents for not coming to mine!)

It's pathetic that a big deal has been made of this.

If it gets brought up again, just repeat we couldn't afford it after our own wedding and honeymoon. If pressed I might point out no one cared to the extent of paying of for you to be there (the bride and groom or your parents).

It's not happened to me but I know of people who have gone to considerable trouble and expense to go to weddings-and then found it was just a big party because the couple were already married. They were not happy. I'm not justifying anything but the guests were p*** off.

I think this attitude is silly. Does it matter whether it's legal or not? Do you want to celebrate your friend's marriage or not. If not don't go.

At the point OP arranged her wedding the sib was either not engaged or was and was planning a UK wedding.

I think there are faults on both sides but I also feel that anyone planning a wedding abroad has to accept that there will be some people that cannot get there for a variety of reasons and it must be planned with that factor front and centre in their minds.

I'm sure if OP knew her sib was planning an abroad wedding, she would have factored that in financially when planning her own wedding.

The fault mainly lies with the sib I feel.

OP maybe try and speak to your sib and tell them how you feel. This is a ridiculous thing for a family to rift over. If you had refused to visit Cleethorpes Town Hall, I can understand the miff a bit but abroad. It's all a bit silly.

Wasn’t me. Just saying how others felt.

My point was more, they spent a huge proportion of their money on their lavish wedding that they didn't even have a few grand left over... As OP herself says, a bit silly.

They have since broken up 😂

I was surprised to learn when planning my own wedding that the majority of “abroad” weddings are just celebrations and the couple have had a legal ceremony a month or so before. This is because in many countries the paperwork is too complicated or, for example, in Spain, not possible unless one of you is a citizen. People don’t shout about it though because they don’t want people to think their abroad wedding isn’t as important.

1. Second marriages are not as important as first ones. In my culture your sister would have been laughed out of the room had she suggested a big overseas wedding with her affair partner just months after yours. Why did your parents enable such ridiculousness?
2. The registry happening in the UK is relevant as you could have attended that. If she shouts at you again mention it and tell her, in front of family if needed, that if she was so desperate for you to attend she should have invited you to that.
3. Make your parents aware how poorly they’ve acted here in taking sides. I hope they’re prepared to go to her 3rd wedding alone lol

I don't know what the big fuss is. When you choose to have a wedding abroad you should expect that there will be some people who will not be able to attend. You don't need to be a genius to think "my sibling will have just spent a small fortune on their own wedding so they might struggle to afford to attend an overseas wedding so soon after".

Honestly I'd now be saying get over it, I'm glad we couldn't afford to go now since you are divorcing as it would clearly of been a huge waste of money we didn't have. Where did you expect us to pull money from we didn't have. Grow up the world doesn't revolve around you.

Are we looking at a golden child situation here?

In that case, it doesn't matter what you do, you will be painted as being in the wrong.

You know your intentions. Hold your head up high and cease taking criticism. Those who have been off with you, take note and let them go.

None of this is really about weddings.

From your sister's perspective, it's all about you and your wedding and from the way you've expressed your shock it was 'so close to yours' she perhaps has a point. She feels she had to bend over backwards and you didn't do the same for her. That you had no trouble spending on yourself.

That you dismissed it as 'just a second wedding '.

Then it's all gone wrong and yours hasn't. Making that your fault is easier to deal with.

I'm not saying that you aren't right about cost and distance. Just that your sister will see it differently.

To find a way forward I think you just have to try and apologise, even if you don't think you are in the wrong. Even if it's 'i'm really sorry we couldn't afford it'.

She's probably not in a good place.

For what it's worth though I fully agree that asking people to go half way round the world at short notice is in unreasonable.

You can’t expect all your invitees to attend when you have a destination wedding. That’s it.

It's interesting how many people are assuming the sibling is a sister when to me their behaviour sounds very much like a man.

Who went to the UK part of the wedding? We had a similar situation when one of my best friends got married and we couldn't afford to go to their Thailand wedding as we had just got back from traveling. We were very apologetic. My friend asked us to be witnesses at their legal uk wedding instead. Your sibling should have done this rather than play the drama queen.

I’m wondering if it was really important for you to be at your sibling’s wedding so you could see how much better it was than yours….

Wait - your sibling has now broken up from this second spouse? After such a short time? And you're seen as the bad one for not wanting to spend money you don't have on a marriage that lasted ten minutes?

If you have a destination wedding, you either pay people's costs or accept some can't come. That's just how it is. And if you had announced your own wedding before, of course you couldn't go. Did your family genuinely expect you to scale down your own wedding for Golden Balls's second shot at it?

He or she could have waited a year if your presence was really so wanted, or offered to help pay towards your own costs in attending, if it was that essential.

Even worse I know someone who spent a fortune going to her friends big destination wedding as her bridesmaid (along with her husband and kids). Couple of years later the couple split up and didn’t even have to get divorced as they hadn’t done the legal bit at all and non of it was binding. The guests had no idea (but the couple did, it wasn’t just a mistake) 🤷🏻‍♀️

OMG

Weddings are very emotive. My brother asked my sister to tell me he was getting married and she said 'it wasn't her place' I found out 4 months later on my birthday.
Caused massive rift.

Who are the other relatives who are still cold with you?

if your brother shouts at you again, I think you are perfectly right to shout back that a) you weren’t invited to his wedding, that happened in the UK before the overseas fake wedding and b) you’re glad you didn’t waste thousands you didn’t have to go watch a fake wedding for a couple that you knew full well wouldn’t last. And that when he has his 3rd wedding, if he wants you to attend, he needs to give you a bit of notice to save, and ideally invite you to the actual wedding, not the pretend on a few months later. If he can’t do that, never mind you’ll start saving at the 3rd and you should be able to afford an overseas trip for his 4th.