How do you approach family coming to stay?

[MaggieMcGill]

Do you have an open door policy? Are they welcome to stay as long as they want? Do they book into a B&B or only stay at weekends? Is a visit by invite only or whenever they want to come and stay?

I’m having issues with DP about this. I’m an only child whose parents lived close by so didn’t need overnight stays.

i’d be interested to hear how everyone else copes with having long distance family. Is it a mutual decision by you both or does it cause disagreements.

Open door - family always welcome on both sides.

My parents live a couple of hours away, they come to stay for the weekend every 3 weeks or so. It's mutual agreement really - they might suggest coming to stay or we might invite them. Same when we go to theirs.

My in laws all live quite far away - my PIL, SIL and BIL and their kids will all come and stay every year or two for a week.

It can get stressful hosting but I would never have family stay in a hotel, just wouldn't feel right to me

Staying overnight or longer would be agreed in advance. Visits lasting a couple of hours are open, no need to call first.
But me and DH have nice respectful family members. If they were dicks we might tighten up security 😁

Surely a lot of it comes down to how much room you have and how much spare cash to not worry about so many extra mouths to feed and heating etc.

I wouldn’t like anyone showing up unexpectedly unless they were in need. I’d absolutely let a family or friend in if they really needed me or somewhere safe.

I have my own life and DC. I have plans and can be busy, I’d rather not have in laws come and stay as they please.

If I have anyone stay it’s usually an over night thing, I’d like to know in advance if they wanted to stay more than one night so I could try and accommodate

And I wouldn't care who instigated the visit. But if someone was asking to come and stay too often that would be a problem.

This. Huge house and spare rooms and money to feed no problems.

Tiny house where someone would have to take the food. Different consideration.

Also houseguest behaviour and tidiness aRe key....(for me anyway)

It completely depends, doesn't it? We have plenty of room so are happy to put people up but only over an agreed weekend. And we can afford to cook some nice meals and pay someone to change beds and clean the house etc.

If we didn't have the space I'd be expecting someone to stay in an B&B or hotel. Although when we were all younger I didn't mind the odd family member sleeping on the sofa.

Wouldn’t describe it as open door, but welcome by arrangement. Some though, are not welcome at all, after being burned in the past.

Those who are welcome are those who muck in, look after their own dc/ pets and don’t treat me like a maid.

There are HUGE variables that are relevant in every family so how we do it might not be relevant to how you do it. Here are just a few I can think of:

1 Size of your house/space to have guests

2 Financial resources. Yours and your visiting family's

3 Distance family are travelling from

4 Relationship with family, including with in laws etc

5 Lifestyle and needs within your home eg specific chidlcare issues, logistics etc

So, we cannot fit family into our house. So when they come, they stay with other family or they have to book into an Airbnb. If they're not staying with us, they are, of course, welcome to stay as long as they like but, I'd rearrange a lot to see family from far away for 2 days, but I'm not rearranging my life if MIL turns up for 6 weeks (we did have to make this point on one occasion, yes). If they are staying elsewhere but mostly here to see us, we do our best to facilitate contact and visits - meals at ours, invite them to attend activities or events with us, possibly plan specific activities especially. Money is tight at the moment so that would impact decision making too.

If we had a bigger house, I'd let them stay, but I'd need a time limit, varying according to who the family visiting are and why they're in town. My brother and his family have tended to overstay their welcome at various other family member's houses without careful boundaries being put in place up front.

we have a 3 night only policy after family used to come and have their holidays with us self invited.

They still invite themselves, but these days I am good at saying no if it doesn't suit us

I think it all really depends in your circumstances re space etc.

i live in different country to my family so they sometimes come to stay. My youngest sister and her family come most. DH doesn’t have any family who can come now but his step mother used to come regularly. More instigated by me rather than him as I was closer to her.

DS has friends who come sometimes.

Anyone is welcome at ours. We've got a house where every one can have their own space and downtime if needed, so it works well as I get hosting fatigue and need my own space after a while.

Since DD was born earlier this year, I've said max a week, as I find it a bit more hassle with a baby.

I guess we have given out open invitations, where family or friends will message to say they'll be in the area across x or y dates. We'll then specifically invite them to stay to save getting a hotel.

We don't host all the time, but it works out 4 or 5 times a year since being here.

Open door -- we've moved around a lot, have lots of international friends we stay with, and who stay with us, and for years were used to all family being overseas, so if we wanted to see them it involved us staying with them or them staying with us. But we don't do anything particularly differently if anyone is staying, and we have plenty of room.

Is your DP wanting family to stay?

Open door policy although prefer to be told in advance so I can ensure the beds are made up. We have plenty of space.

I have assorted family in the West country and I am conveniently placed on the way to Heathrow so have a regular stream of visitors.

It's fine. They are all house trained 🙂

Not clear @MaggieMcGill which option is reasonable and which is Unreasonable, so difficult to vote!

I must admit I don't particularly enjoy having family for any length of time because they are not 'all muck in' types.

If my family come I'm in charge of everything if DH family come then he is. I have found in the past that men (could be just my DH) don't think of all the additional work it takes with making and washing bedding, planning meals, clearing up etc. I don't see hosting as my responsibility, I find it makes me resentful and hate how it's normally the woman that is expected to do it all accept choosing and pouring the wine.

Open door here.

Broken by ILs presumption of Flexi b&b for over 2 decades.

Earlier and earlier arrivals combined with delayed departures, not good for my MH. No respect for my work/diary commitments, my mother's terminal illness and subsequent death, my birthdays, DH away on jollies/ work trips, important social events, long list.
Wish I'd put boundaries in place decades earlier.

Super sensitive now to any diary talk now and labelled 'difficult'. A Badge of Honour
Draw some lines in the sand asap

Sorry, I didn’t mean to do a poll, I don’t post much.

Very much open door for family. Would say most stay a minimum of 2 nights, some longer. Sometimes they do their own thing, other times we do things together. Due to distance it’s agreed in advance but unless we already have people staying or away from home then it would be a yes when asked

Would feel awful if my family didn’t feel welcome in my home

DP family close by so it is mine that visit from afar. Plenty of space so they are welcome to stay and they always contribute to food and offer childcare. My DP does get a bit frustrated with having people in his space (is only ever one or two family members at once) but I don't expect him to entertain so he tends to use the time to see friends etc. I will often invite over a weekend he might be away. Sometimes have had multiple large groups of his friends stay so probably balances out a bit. Generally open house policy with diary check beforehand and no expectation that the other partner entertains or does prep

My parents are welcome, but I do find having three adults on a very small house a bit much. Not helped by the amount of stuff they bring with them. It's not neatly in a large suitcase, it's on loads of bags and it's everywhere. Their iPads and laptops and chargers are everywhere.

Depends how open door - if they all turned up on a Friday unannounced and planned to stay the entire weekend I think I’d birth kittens.

Popping in for a natter and a brew I can cope with, staying over for an occasion fine but we don’t have spare rooms so it’s just people on the sofa/ airbeds so no, not something I’d be regularly game for.