How do you approach family coming to stay?

[MaggieMcGill]

Do you have an open door policy? Are they welcome to stay as long as they want? Do they book into a B&B or only stay at weekends? Is a visit by invite only or whenever they want to come and stay?

I’m having issues with DP about this. I’m an only child whose parents lived close by so didn’t need overnight stays.

i’d be interested to hear how everyone else copes with having long distance family. Is it a mutual decision by you both or does it cause disagreements.

Entirely depends. My parents/siblings can just drop in unannounced - parents have keys and my sisters are welcome to borrow them from my parents.

My SIL, I want notice. Lots of it and her husband isn't staying. Husband agrees on this stance and feels stronger about it than me.

Nobody aside from my adult DC is welcome to stay. I absolutely hate having house guests so it doesn’t happen.

I can see that my approach would be problematic if I weren’t single, or if I had made the hideous mistake of living with someone who was all Open House and bonhomie.

All welcome by prior arrangement - need at least a week’s notice as we have regular commitments throughout the week and across weekends. Prefer not to have guests in the week if we are working. I don’t wait on anyone so people have to sort themselves out to a certain extent - people who are fine with this tend to stay again, those who aren’t, don’t!

If family visit, they come from overseas, so I know that in advance & they're always welcome.

No problem with people popping in for a cuppa.

I'm not happy with ILS staying, as they have seriously taken the piss over the years. They only ever wanted a place to kip, but were too tight to pay for accommodation. I could go on.

Visits always pre-arranged, but can be at short notice. There's not much point in coming to stay if we're not going to be here or have work/appointments etc. already planned, plus I would need time to get food in and cook. We also would need time to set up the spare room (currently a single with a trundle to make a double)

So, it’s dp’s family. They usually come for 1 week at a time whenever it suits them. They do give us notice but not a chance to say no. We have a spare room but I wfh and my desk is in there meaning I need to work in our living room with them milling about.

i guess what’s getting me down is that I was looking forward to a break this Christmas but I’ve just been told they are coming and will arrive the day after Boxing Day and go home after NY. We have hosted them for the last 4 years.

Dp used to always work between Xmas and New Year but for the last 3 years he’s been off. We’ve never spent the Xmas break on our own. I’d be quite happy to say it’s no, we have our own plans this year but he can’t/won’t refuse his family.

@MaggieMcGill I feel for you. You have a DP problem here. At the very least he should have consulted with you about how you feel about them coming then.

They do give us notice but not a chance to say no.

It's always possible to say 'No' - it may just be very difficult if they've already booked travel, aren't asking but telling what they are going to do - but it IS possible to say no. If your DP won't put down boundaries and tell them NO sometimes then your problem is with him and he is unlikely to change.

You could just go away for a few days between Christmas and New Year on your own and leave them all to it? Might get your point across more forcefully.

@MaggieMcGill the fact it’s over the Xmas break to me makes it way worse, I need that time to relax and I’d want just enjoy chilling at home with the kids so I’d hate a week full of people I don’t really want in my space.

I’d maybe say you’d booked a surprised night away for your DH, or let him know that you really aren’t happy and you won’t be facilitating them aka he can clean/ cook/ sort them. Failing that tell him to book a lodge or something for himself and them and let them crack on! It’s your house as much as his and he’s had his way for 4 years.

Pretty much open door from both sides and also from DH's exes family too. He's still friends with his ex in laws. We've had them stay for a few weeks at a time. We've got a big house, a guest bathroom etc so that all helps. Also most visitors we have are happy to entertain themselves.

Though to be honest when I go and see family I prefer to stay in a hotel if it's going to be any longer than a couple of nights....(actually prefer to stay in a hotel full stop).

I’ve just been told they are coming

Well, just tell your DH that they aren't. It's your home too and your WFH space (and your Christmas).

Why does only DH get a say?

Open door. Friends and family

I don’t care how DH squares it off 2 nights /3 days is my limit for mil, she has come down uninvited previously.
DH didn’t stop her so I said fine. You do you. I do me.

I took myself out each day from 9-6pm with the baby, DH was working so for 3 days she sat in our living room staring at the tv or a wall 🤷🏻‍♀️

she didn’t do it again.
so if they are coming I’d just go out and be busy…

open door policy for pretty much all other friends and family

DP problem! Mine are hours away and I always tried to keep it to 2 nights, no more, Mum's drunken behaviour was not conducive to me wanting her to stay, even if we had no booze in the house, she'd bring her own and get shitfaced. Not pretty. We've had the phone put down on us, long patches of silence (bliss!) She now says she's too old to come all this way so I go up a couple of times a year, never stay with her because she's downsized and I got a chest infection due to her endless smoking last time. I'd be appalled if someone said they were coming and just imposed themselves on us. DH works shifts so it's not great trying to manage that and people clumping around.

FIL and SMIL come a couple of times a year and always stay in a hotel - we used to invite them to stay with us but they prefer a hotel and it's better for us too so that works well. SIL and her partner don't come often but stay with us when they do.

My DM rarely visits, but expects to stay here if she does. It doesn't really work very well as she is not keen on our (very nervous rescue) dog, and our dog therefore isn't keen on her - it was quite stressful last time she came. DB and SIL have never been to our house, we've been to theirs a handful of times.

Had you guessed we are not at all close to our families?! Everyone lives at least 2 hours away so there isn't any popping in.

I don’t approach it; I run away 😂

By Invitation, usually one night.
There is no way I would be having people for a week.

OP, your partner sounds very selfish.
Can you go to your family?
As it is your office I would be saying no to this.
Is your partner a bully?
Because this is not normal.

Are you paying half the rent/mortgage?
If you are even more reason to say its not happening.

How far away do they live and how often do they visit?

And how often do you travel to them?

A complete open door policy. And we've had people stay for a couple of weeks. I think it is quite disruptive but I really value our extended family and it's good for the kids to have them around.

You have a DP problem. Does he think he’s your boss?

You do get to say no to them. Can you arrange to be elsewhere so all the work and entertaining falls to him?

Or simply say no.

Say it's your Christmas as well and that you want to spend it differently from here on.

It beggars belief how they don't even consider that their company may not be wanted, especially at Christmas time.

How far away do they live?

Say no or say only yes to a couple of days. It's your Christmas too and you have plans. Id tell your husband next year he's to say you're heading away on your own and they aren't coming and then just stay home. I couldn't cope with people in my home that long

I'm not sure you can do much about Christmas but I wouldn't be moving my office out of their room when they come to stay. I'd just say I need to privacy and quiet and they will need to be out of the room during working hours. If you don't love having guests then don't make them comfortable by making yourself uncomfortable. It's perfectly reasonable to say that you need to work in your office. And hopefully it will make your home a less desirable place to stay.

Open door. Anyone is welcome but like to make spare rooms lovely, flowers,treats etc and do some advanced cooking, buying in food so I always know when people are coming although if someone turned up that would be fine. I would just ask them to fend for themselves whilst I hoovered. Don't mind how long they stay, love the company

I grew up with an open door policy for people popping in for a cup of tea / chat. Not so much lunches or meals or overnight stays though. Rare overnight stays meant me on the floor in a siblings bedroom - always me turfed out which I hated. Probably happened twice.

generally visitors didn’t stay overnight.

Difficult one, I would feel obliged and it would probably be a lot better than you think it will be, it’s easier if you have a spare bedroom with an actual bed there - even better with an en-suite! If not, try it and see how it goes. Although I baulk at the idea, I like staying at others so imagine it that way round if it helps?

i admit I have declined overnight visitors here as every bedroom taken and honestly I’m exhausted after work and until kids grown up mornings are just too hectic, weekends are still early starts. I am overcoming this with kids sleepovers (admittedly begrudgingly - being very unsociable just knackered every night and the thought waking up even earlier than I do to get up and dressed and look organised in the morning is enough to make me even more tired)! I sound so unsociable! Enjoy life more!

Obviously adult dc, partners and gc always welcome - and one is prone to saying 'is it okay if we come tonight and leave 2 or 3 days later'. Other relatives don't really stay as my parents have a much bigger house 10 minutes away but as they accommodate us if we visit then I'd fit them in.
If we had more space and money I think I'd favour an open door approach but as we're on uc then not so much. Wouldn't feel the same way about iLs ( now both deceased) but would have accepted last minute stays.
My parents have always had an open door policy and I do like having others around.