Where is the father in all of this?

[Journeyintomelody]

Single mum. Name changed. I created a thread a couple of weeks ago and received a few comments like the one in the title. The question was clearly loaded with a followup along the lines of - it should be 50:50 contact/he should be contributing to childcare...

Am I being unreasonable to think this is a pig-ignorant question to ask a someone who is struggling?

There are so many reasons that women may have to deal with things on their own - for example, they could be widowed, single parent through choice, partner could be serving overseas, illness etc. I mean, they may have a female partner. Not all families look the same. Unless this information is volunteered I think it's unnecessary, insensitive and presumptuous to ask.

If the question is genuine, it would be asked in a different way.
Are you getting any support?
Are you the one with sole financial responsibility? Do you have friends and family who could help with xyz?

Am I being overly sensitive? It hurts when people ask me this question.

If you've added a post that says you're struggling and you're doing this and that, it would make sense to add to your opening post that you're a single Mum for reasons you don't want to discuss but the father isn't in the picture. That way, absolutely no one would say wheres the father. If you've not mentioned it but you're complaining of all what you do, of course people are going to ask why you're not getting support and plenty of people will ask where the father is.

It's a perfectly reasonable question.

I would assume the intention is more to tut at how fathers can get off scott-free while the mother is left with all the responsibility. It's not necessarily a criticism of you, more the man.

Well the father only has uses if it fits either what the mother wants it seems

There is nothing wrong with the question

@Journeyintomelody it would be reasonable if people knew the whole story and not just the bits you want to tell them!

If you don’t include that the father isn’t in the picture why would people assume? All children have fathers and most are involved and in some way.
It’s a valid point if you haven’t included details.

I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. There are many examples on here of women struggling having had children with feckless, irresponsible men. Why is it expectedthat the taxpayer pick up the slack for people's poor decision making? Too many men get away with fathering children and not taking responsibility (financial and upbringing).

Unless you are widowed or dealing with abuse, the other parent should have equal responsibility. If you chose to go it alone, one would assume that you were both emotionally and financially able to deal with the consequences of child rearing solo before doing so.

I agree with the above posters. The involvement or otherwise of the father is often a relevant piece of information and if you omit to give this information in the OP it is reasonable to ask. Posters who drip feed relevant information can often cause unnecessary bickering on here since posters reply based on what they have been told and then the OP responds with a massive drip that changes the picture completely.

@unsync

There are many examples on here of women struggling having had children with feckless, irresponsible men. Why is it expectedthat the taxpayer pick up the slack for people's poor decision making?

Do you mean the mothers ‘poor decision making’ in having a child with an irresponsible man?

Or the father’s ’poor decision making’ in having a child he can’t be bothered to support?

It's definitely a response that indicates how easy it is for men to just walk away, and not claim any responsibility for their children. It's unfair, as a mother is rarely able to do that. Of course there are other scenarios, death, abuse, etc etc but in the main, mother's struggle because fathers don't contribute, either financially or supportingly.

I've always read the question with a tone of faux concern masking the accusation that the op brought misfortune on themselves by having a child with a shitty father.

I agree with you. I think most people ask to gain more context and probably do so in ignorance rather than wanting to cause upset etc but the question is insensitive, especially when someone is already struggling enough to seek advice, and it can come across as judgmental in certain situations too. Also just saying father isn’t in the picture doesn’t always satisfy some people who inevitably probe for more details - insensitive to both the poster’s emotions and privacy imo.

Yep, this.

The question supposes you are in control of the other party.

My ex hit me and was removed from the house. One ex friend said ‘well you married him deal with it’ etc Just pig ignorant remarks. I even had a judge turn to me in court (he was so unreasonable the ex and tried to use litigation and the court process as a form of abuse) and after the ex had missed court ordered contact again he said to me ‘why does Mr X behave this way?’ He asked me, not my barrister, not his GP but me - like I was causing him to do it. That I was responsible - it’s victim blaming for the most part. My barrister pushes back firmly and said she notified him in writing of court ordered contact, that you yourself put in writing for him - this is an educated man and he chose not to turn up - the question needs to be put to him not his ex wife.
Likewise when he get again failed to give him lunch etc or returned him with a temp of 40 degrees - constant questions did he know the child needed lunch? Did he know how to take a child’s temp? Did he have a thermometer? But honestly wtf 🤬 why did I get asked - he had contact his responsibility.

Why don’t fathers do 50/50 ? because the courts don’t order them to, or they refuse, or they move miles away, or they keep letting the mother down, or they are in prison, or basically not good people and don’t step up or the mother feels they aren’t able to care for the child or they are dead- it details the situation. Fathers that are decent are few and far between.

My ex was useless despite being a Deputy Headteacher in a school ! Society gives them allowance - poor man is working too hard, not able to do this or that as he hasn’t been shown etc it’s easier to blame the woman.

My new partner financially support me and the children and is a fab dad, to his and mine.

Until there is legal consequences for feckless fathers who step away entirely from their children, then unfortunately society does have an obligation as such to support families. The choice of having more than 2 DC is already mitigated by the reduction in benefits over 2dc.

My ex is the epitome of feckless, and has barely had any contact at all with the DC for 10 years. Never been to their school, doesn't know their friends, doesn't know their favourite foods or anything. Not my fault. He does pay the CMS minimum but as so often seen this can be dragged out and unpaid and incredulously written off.

I believe in America failure to pay child support has massive legal implications, they can have passports/driving licenses revoked and even imprisoned. If they quit their job they are still required to pay the same! Sure, there's taxpayer money going into that process too, but surely a better outcome for the DC from a financial perspective?

There is a lot to unpack here - who’s poor decision making are you referring to? People are here asking for advice, not taxpayer support. As for solo parents by choice being emotionally and financially prepared - hopefully at the outset, but who on earth has 18+ years of plain sailing parenting where everything goes according to plan and they absolutely are entitled to seek advice, just as anyone else is.

one would assume that you were both emotionally and financially able to deal with the consequences of child rearing solo before doing so.

I know plenty of 'together' parents who struggle financially and emotionally with child rearing - maybe the tax payer should invest in better education about how bloody hard parenting can be - the daily grind, rather than insta-happy accessorising.

Actually, quite often, a woman will be whining that her partner/ex is useless and that he already had kids from a previous relationship that he was also useless with. Yes, some men are really, really shit, but women who knowingly shack up with these men are idiots if they do not realise they will be left holding the baby and bills. Or that the taxpayer will.

I appreciate that by the time the question is asked the horse has kind of bolted, but it's still worth highlighting the importance of choosing the father of one's children wisely.

It's a reasonable question, if you don't want the question make it clear in your OP. Lots of women are hanging on by a string because they think they should treat their husband as an extra child, often to the detriment of their DC. Sometimes this needs pointing out to them.

My husband basically had a mental breakdown and went from a decent, caring parent to a shouty, irritable mess.

My kids don't want to live with him so they live permanently with me and I pick up the pieces of their anxiety disorders which are a direct result of living with him through his breakdown.

Does that help to answer the question? If you're someone who barks this question do you think you might be able to frame it a little more empathetically in future?

Surely that would be relevant and you would point it out in the OP? 90% of the time, they have a husband in the picture who is far too important to care about them or their child. That is the problem they have.

I'm going to take that as a 'no, I won't be framing it more empathetically in the future'.

Op has given examples of how this might asked in a less accusatory way.

The problem with ignoring it is that you are 90% of the time implying that the woman is the problem and should do even more and encouraging abusive relationships to continue. But you're right it should be asked sensitively. But some of the examples continue to ignore the obvious, the father.

It's a time and place issue though. Using an actual person, one who is struggling, as a platform for that opinion and as cautionary tale to the world is a shitty thing to do on a thread where they are asking for help and support.