Where is the father in all of this?

[Journeyintomelody]

Single mum. Name changed. I created a thread a couple of weeks ago and received a few comments like the one in the title. The question was clearly loaded with a followup along the lines of - it should be 50:50 contact/he should be contributing to childcare...

Am I being unreasonable to think this is a pig-ignorant question to ask a someone who is struggling?

There are so many reasons that women may have to deal with things on their own - for example, they could be widowed, single parent through choice, partner could be serving overseas, illness etc. I mean, they may have a female partner. Not all families look the same. Unless this information is volunteered I think it's unnecessary, insensitive and presumptuous to ask.

If the question is genuine, it would be asked in a different way.
Are you getting any support?
Are you the one with sole financial responsibility? Do you have friends and family who could help with xyz?

Am I being overly sensitive? It hurts when people ask me this question.

It's a reasonable question but there are kind ways of asking it. Sorry you're struggling.

It's not about 'ignoring it' it's the way the question is framed.

Op has literally given examples of how this could be asked in a less accusatory way, she's not saying one can't enquire what other support she has.

I really can't stand these threads where people come on and argue about a point the op wasn't actually making.

I think where is the father in all this is a dig almost a mn classic sentence. If it was meant kindly they it would be said kindly.

Woman seem to get the blame for grown up men's behaviour. Even from other woman. People often think the woman can make the father step up. It's also very common for the father to change once children come along.

Maybe she did. Things change, are you aware of that?

OPs examples 'are you getting any support' 'are family or friends able to help'. Ignores the father. If a woman has been raised to 'look after' her man, these examples imply she should continue to do so and seek help from other women.

It's an important question to ask on a societal level, where the hell are these father's? Why are they allowed to get away with this shit? Why are there no consequences?

It's a completely inappropriate question to ask a struggling individual with no ability to make the feckless father of her children actually do anything.

That way, absolutely no one would say wheres the father

some posters will still ask even if the OP included the info that the father was dead

(more govt depts should ask questions re where’s the father instead of heaping judgement on the mother doing her best imo)

Lol this and the 'why aren't you doing 50/50, make him do his share' questions shows how dumb some MN people are living in their ivory towers.

Yes and no. Yes, it's probably not useful at that point. But Mumsnet is littered with threads by women who chose poorly, were left holding the babies and are now hoping for some other (clearly useless) man to choose them to/move in with/propose, et cetera.

@PaminaMozart 🤣🤣🤣🤣 get back to your ivory tower, it needs a clean

So, start a thread in this vein. Let people contribute on fair terms. Don't kick people at their lowest ebb to prove a point.

Absolutely right.
Men should never be allowed to get away with not providing for their children. It is negligent and has no place in a civilised society.

I’m sorry for your hurt, OP.
sending a big hug 🤗

I’m very keen on involving CMS immediately after birth. It’s not fair on a child to forego the financial support to which he or she is entitled. Often see mums saying things to the effect they won’t make any demands on the father- I think that’s compounding his abandonment by mum refusing to stand up for her child’s rights.

No, I simply believe that it is not a good idea to walk blindly into a situation which is likely to cause a lot of grief and hardship.

Children have two parents.

if one of them is posting saying they’re struggling it’s perfectly normal for posters to ask where the other parent is in the dynamics.

I agree. It is just dripping in accusations.

Unfortunately, there's plenty of threads where the mother is struggling with things and someone will ask where is the father and it turns out he's downstairs picking his nose rather than upstairs helping with bathtime.... or he's so involved with his "very outing hobby" which we all know is out cycling!

I think the question is asked because sadly, so many of us are fully aware that when a poster comes on with a story about how hard things are, in almost every case, there IS a father but he's just useless. And so the question is asked because it's also a sad truth that often women have been conditioned to think it's 100% on them, even if there IS a dad on the scene.

it's not a comment on you, the woman. It's a comment on how shit men often are, how many shit men there are, and how many women have been programmed to accept shit men.

Fair enough but a lot of women have no experience of a healthy relationship so they wouldn't know one if it hit them in the face.

But the judgement seems to go beyond that, we are expected to be psychic and know if a man is going to change after having children or abandon us and his DC when he meets someone who pays him more attention.

It's mumsnet and the Internet. You call it a good day if the OP isn't character assassinated, had her story retold about 10 times each one getting more and more sinister until it ends on a point that someone is in prison with a 6th baby whilst living in a shoebox.

There are so many threads where the OP's DH/DP has left (often for OW) and has no interest in maintaining a relationship with his DC and goes to ridiculous lengths to avoid paying child maintenance. Men don't always reveal themselves as feckless and uncaring husbands and fathers from day one.

Whatever your views about the taxpayer picking up the slack for people's poor decision making, surely you don't want the children to suffer?

I think the problem is that you are taking this question as a dig at you, where as the vast majority of the time on here, it’s actually a dig at the father not pulling his weight. Men who don’t step up as a proper equal parent are hardly rare.

And therefore there are a lot of men out there irresponsibly impregnating women and having a baby with someone they aren’t really committed to. You can’t pin all the responsibility on women, that would make you a misogynist.

Women may have chosen badly in some cases, absolutely, but at least they still step up and take accountability and parent their child. That’s more than can be said for these men.

@Naunet - I entirely agree. But this is a public forum, not a counselling session, or even an agony column.

It's not women's responsibility to look after their children without equal input from the father, but this is how it unfortunately ends up all too often. And, as you rightly say, mothers almost always step up......... whereas fathers often don't.

I really hope young women will be more conscious of this and act accordingly. If I had daughters I would advise them not to have children unless they earned enough to bring them up without a man. Because, even choosing wisely does no guarantee of long term commitment.