What do you think of me? Mum on benefits.

[Purpledinosaur1990]

I am a disabled mum. I get PIP and LCWRA. To be honest I think I get a lot more money than I deserve. A couple of years ago I could treat myself and get my nails done etc. I always make sure my daughter comes first, we do so many classes and activities. I just can’t work due to the complexity of my disabilities.
After a relationship I dress like a scruff now and won’t buy myself a thing. I just don’t feel I deserve it. He would get me to pay for everything despite being on a good wage. I just don’t know how to feel myself again as I feel like I deserve nothing.

If you have low self esteem coming onto AIBU and asking people what they think of you is not a smart move.

I think you need to rebuild yourself after a crappy relationship.

Treat yourself to a haircut, and some new clothes that fit well and buy yourself a treat to relax with whether that's a book or a new mascara.

If you are on benefits because you are unable to work then that's that. You should still have some sort of goal in life though whether that's an OU degree or other course, learning to crochet or whatever. You need to find your identity outside of mother, disabled person, someone who had a shitty partner etc. Find something you enjoy and can achieve will do wonders for your self esteem even if you don't get paid for it.

You deserve nice things OP. It sounds like you might be depressed?x

I think as a disabled mum you are doing a hard job and you should try to be kind to yourself.

Im glad that you have escaped the bad relationship, and hope you heal soon.

It would be good to treat yourself if you can manage to. You do deserve it.

I'm glad you've escaped from your difficult relationship and I hope you feel more positive soon.

Why would we think anything?

Other than perhaps if you want new clothes, you should buy them.

Buy yourself one good decent every day outfit.

I think you're fine @Purpledinosaur1990 but not everyone on MN - particularly on AIBU is going to be singing your praises.

You deserve nice things.

But I do not understand why you have posted on AIBU about this.

It sounds like he has done a number on you, and destroyed any sense of self-worth.

But you are not just your disabilities. You are so much more than that. The fact that you can't work and are on benefits doesn't change that - pretty sure you would choose not to have to deal with that.

Fact is, you are doing a great job as a mum - but you'll do a better job if you take care of yourself too. That includes spending some money on clothes that both fit and suit you, and taking time on looking after yourself. Don't you want your daughter to see you set the example that you want her to live by? She deserves that, and so do you.

YABU to think you don’t deserve nice things. Of course you do.

If you can afford it, please book in to have your nails done this week, and go buy yourself a nice new top.

You do deserve good things and you sound like a great mom and a lovely person. Being disabled isn't a moral, or any type of failing. Rich countries can afford, and are obliged to look after their citizens. You are also raising a future citizen, but that's besides the point.

Anyway op, you do deserve good things and you do deserve to treat yourself if you can afford it!

I think I just wanted to punish myself more by posting here. I don’t even know why. I just felt awful for the times I did buy myself nice things. I really do want to work and I’m hoping I can in the future.

Thank you for the kind responses though ❤️

Were you disabled before or after having your child?

I don't think anything negative about the fact you're on benefits op....you're disabled and a single mum I assume by your post. It's good there's a safety net for those who are genuinely unable to work.

You don't need to justify yourself to strangers on the internet.

Before

So, what are you going to buy for yourself first?

Shoes?

Comfortable tops?

A hoodie for when it gets cold?

Or do you need some help with self care, such as a pedicure? Might as well get your nails done at the same time.

Don't punish yourself, OP. You're very deserving of these payments. You're entitled to enjoy your life and spend your money. I'm so glad deserving people have access to assistance.

I just don’t think I am deserving. I get more than a lot of people who are working. I feel disgusting. My child is so well looked after financially and emotionally but I just feel awful about being on benefits. I’m starting a course next year for unemployed people. I just really hope it helps. Most jobs I can’t cope.

don’t be hard on yourself - you are entitled to those payments and you should have nice things sometimes.

If you feel you can’t cope with a job, can you find some voluntary work of some kind that would be suitable for you. Something to consider, perhaps.

Do you want to remove that additional income from other people with disabilities because they're disgusting, too? I doubt it.

It's just your ex's voice telling you that you're not worth anything. You'll learn to tune it out.

I am glad we live in a country that supports those unable to work for genuine reasons. Ok, disability payments should be more but I don't think anyone resents those eligible for reasons outside their control receiving them or for those people who have fallen on hard times but trying their best to improve their situation.

Benefits bashing threads are normally at those that make their own situations worse, so large families having more children than they can provide for or even house when they know that is their situation. Or spending their money on non-worthy purchases IE the stereotypical large TV when there are no books in the house.

Spend your income on what you and DD need and bring you pleasure.

Well those people can go out and work for a living, take pride in that and enjoy the social context it offers.
You don't get all of that because you CAN'T due to disability so I feel more sorry for you than for them having to live on benefits. See, most people are decent and don't judge someone like you, it's just the fraudsters we all dislike. Please get a haircut, a new outfit and find a therapist to help you with your low selfesteem. I wish you all the best OP💫

You are not getting more money than you deserve OP and also you deserve to better than you feel.

I really like the advice from a PP about setting yourself a goal to reach that isn’t work related.

what is something that you think you’d like to achieve? Really small to start with!

zero judgement from my corner. Safety nets are supposed to help keep people above water. That’s exactly why we pay in when we can - so that there’s a pot to pay out to people who need it. You’ve been dealt a rough hand and you deserve to be warm + fed + housed - and hopefully happier. Sorry you’ve had a shitty time. It doesn’t mean anything negative about you that someone has been so awful to you - other than you deserve more.

(I save my judgement entirely for the corrupt members of parliament shifting huge useless tax payer contracts to their mates, and tax dodging corporations)