What do you think of me? Mum on benefits.

[Purpledinosaur1990]

I am a disabled mum. I get PIP and LCWRA. To be honest I think I get a lot more money than I deserve. A couple of years ago I could treat myself and get my nails done etc. I always make sure my daughter comes first, we do so many classes and activities. I just can’t work due to the complexity of my disabilities.
After a relationship I dress like a scruff now and won’t buy myself a thing. I just don’t feel I deserve it. He would get me to pay for everything despite being on a good wage. I just don’t know how to feel myself again as I feel like I deserve nothing.

Everyone deserves love, kindness and happiness. If the system works in your favour, so what. Enjoy it. Wealth works in other peoples favour…. They don’t necessarily deserve that any more than you deserve the support from the system that you get.

Your problem is that you are damaged by ex-asshole and your self esteem is in your boots.

I just feel disgusting and really want to work. It’s very outing but I have one working arm, Crohn’s disease and a bad back. I just feel like I’m written off for work now. But every boyfriend I’ve had has got me to pay for everything like I’m less than them. I don’t think there will be another one now. Does anyone think I can get a job with this? I’m just hoping this course helps.

you ask some very loaded questions, and deliberately give info you don't need to give. your self-esteem seems all over the place so this is perhaps not the best place for you.
If I were you I would spend some money on therapy to understand why you got yourself into a dysfunctional relationship, and try to see the signs before the next one. The best thing you can give your daughter is a stable and peaceful home. Sometimes you need to spend money on other things in the short term (therapy) to gain long-term benefits that last longer than material things.

What do you mean info I didn’t need to give? I’m having therapy at the moment.

Not if you're not well enough to work, no. Which is why you're getting disability benefits/enhancements, so you can deal with additional costs of being too unwell to be expected to work.

Of course you deserve nice things! People's worth as a human being isn't tied to paid employment!
I'm sorry anyone has ever made you feel like less of a person. Its the people who made you feel like that who have the issues.

I just want to work to avoid this hatred. It’s so often. I’m not lazy I just have a lot going on and would work tomorrow if someone would give me a job.

Hi @Purpledinosaur1990 all those issues you have sound tough. You're probably getting what you need financially and others are not. It's not a race to the bottom people who are ill need to be cared for.
Instill in your child a sense of social duty so she goes up wanting to work and help, via her taxes, families like yours have a chance.

Ahh stop.

Buy something nice for yourself this weekend and make a start at building your self esteem back up again. Life’s hard enough without adding more stuff to beat yourself up about.

And kindly… make a choice to stop giving a fuck what anyone else thinks of you.

I think I get more than we need. I put it in my little ones ISA so she has a chance. She wants to be a scientist. She’s not at school yet but we do little experiments at home. I don’t want her to be like me, it’s not by choice I promise. I want to change things. I’m trying this course next year. And you never know there could be an opportunity for someone like me.

Best of luck to you @Purpledinosaur1990 .

I think you deserve everything you're entitled to and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel that you don't

Honestly it’s been 2 or if not 3 boyfriends (before my little one was born) that has had this opinion. I’ve only brought one man into my little ones life so I don’t think I’ll do it again. He was so perfect at first then was making me pay for everything in awkward ways like his food shop for at his own home etc. when he was saving thousands each month due to a good job and no living costs.

Don't be hard on yourself, you deserve what your entitled to , treat yourself hold your head high everyone is entitled to be happy , don't put yourself down, go and get those nails done or hair both. 🙂

I think pip and LCWRA are a statutory entitlement, not a handout. But I think you’re being very silly by posting here, on a site that’s becoming the new Daily Mail and revels in benefit bashing. Almost as though you’re trying to punish yourself.

I think maybe you need some support / therapy to process your abusive relationship. Well done for getting out.

Try to boost your confidence.

The welfare state safety net is there to support you in your time of need.

Are your disabilities Crohn's disease & a bad back?

The only thing you don't deserve OP is the shitty men you've had in your life. Your worth in the world isn't judged according to how much paid work you can do, it's about the good you bring to the world. You sound like a lovely person who's had a rough time of it and you should start being kinder to yourself. Imagine if your daughter spoke to herself the way that you do, you'd be so upset. You deserve kindness and compassion from yourself most of all. I wish you well

And one arm. Did you read what I wrote?

You’re right. I think I just want to hate myself at the moment. I’ve cried a lot since I wrote this. But people have been very kind.

Of course it's perfectly possible to get a job with the conditions described! But... it depends on your qualifications, skills and preferences. A job standing up all day cutting hair or working on a building site might not be a good fit, but desk-based jobs should be perfectly doable. Many companies offer flexible working so if you can work from home, this may eliminate the need to commute, which might reduce the risk of hurting your back. What sort of job do you want and do you have qualifications/experience that will help you get there?

As an aside, I saw well over a hundred parents on the school run today and I couldn't tell you what a single one of them was wearing. I mean this kindly, but nobody is looking at your clothes - if you want a new top, get one! If you have something you like wearing, wear that. Don't feel bad for spending or saving your money, either way it's your choice what you want to do with it.

It really sounds like you need support for your mental health OP?

I don’t mean this disparagingly - I am disabled with complex medical needs and a mum. However I am self employed with a very successful business / career and manage my workload around my illness. I’m not showing off at all - it is bloody hard work, I am lucky to have good qualifications etc, however, it is most definitely possible with your conditions.

However the barrier is your mental health and being ‘ready to work‘.

Again, I’m really not minimising, but my medical needs are treated on the same wards as those with the most complex chrons - however my treatment paths are life limiting. I just mean that it totally is possible to get yourself an identity, career, pathway away from being seen as only ‘disabled’ and reliant on benefits (when you don’t want to).

I would also say it sounds like you are an amazing mother to your little girl. Please try think about that to build up your self esteem. For me, I wasn’t even well enough to carry my child and had to go down the surrogacy path so knew from the outset how much help I would need to be a parent (was actually part of my GP ‘signing off’ on IVF as I am so resistant to support or seeing myself as needing help). I struggle with huge amounts of the demands of parenting (eg I’ve never been able to bath my 3 year old) so please do think about if extra support would be helpful (childcare etc) so that you can also spend time building your identity, self esteem and career.

Genuinely feel having a successful identity away from being ‘ill’ ‘disabled’ ‘housebound’ etc has saved my mental health and my trajectory compared to other people with my conditions…..

So please try to think about yourself and how you can support your own needs. And buy yourself things if you want them!!!!

I pay my taxes happily for precisely two reasons:

1. to ensure that other people benefit from the same functioning, safe and supportive society that enabled me to get a good job
2. so that people who aren't as lucky as me can get a leg up and live a decent life.

I do think everyone should fill their spare time with worthwhile things though.

You sound incredible. I would really love to talk to you. Can you send me a pm? No worries if you can’t.

Oh of course! Yes please! Would love to guide you / offer any advice… even if I could offer you any work experience for your CV through my work (once we discuss if it aligns with your interests).

I am far far from incredible or perfect , but would love to you be in a better situation for your own mental health x