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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think other co-parents wouldn’t.

53 replies

Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 14:49

AIBU to think that if you live together in a partnership and share a child/children, it’s not ok, with four hours notice to text ‘I am off out tonight so won’t be home.’

Curious about if other people would be irked.

OP posts:
GivingUpFinally · 09/10/2024 14:51

It depends on the situation. I'd be fine with it if it was a rare occurrence.

toomuchfaff · 09/10/2024 14:57

The other "co-parent" obviously doesn't think they are as much of a parent as you. You're obviously the one who needs to consider the child, they just live there. Immediate thoughts.

RechargeableGnu · 09/10/2024 15:07

Don't you communicate usually? I'd expect to be consulted rather than informed!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2024 15:09

Take it the child is of an age which needs looking after?

FuzzyGoblin · 09/10/2024 15:14

It depends because most relationships have give and take so I might make last minute plans with friends and check our shared calendar to know it doesn’t clash with anything, then let DH know. Equally he might decide he is going out for a long run and do the same to me. It’s not like a job where you have to put in a request to have time off and see if it’s approved!

We have three primary aged children, all with Sen, so probably understand well that sometimes the other one needs a break and that’s fine.

MrSeptember · 09/10/2024 15:14

Yeah, as a rule, even if one of us had last minute plans, we'd make a courtesy call to check in with the other one because of course, it impacts the person at home doing dinnner/bath/bed etc. In our case, as DH couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, he's also checking as he's fully aware that if there's something going on and he's needed for lifts or whatever, he's probably forgotten! Grin

thursdaymurderclub · 09/10/2024 15:18

its a very vaugue question to be honest, without knowing the circumstances its difficult to answer.

i'm going to guess there is a massive drip feed coming here, and i don't think this is anything to do with 'co-parenting' its more than likely to do with your relationship!

i'm assuming there are already issues, because i know my DH would ring and check to see what plans we had before annoucing he was going out, so i'm assuming there is no communication between the pair of you. My DH wouldn't send me a text 'telling' me he was going out, we would have a conversation!

Yes i would be irked if my DH text me with 4 hours notice that he was going out and wouldn't be home! but thats all based on the above, but we have a good relationship and communicate well and there are no issues in our marrigage.

Hoplolly · 09/10/2024 15:18

Depends on the context, background etc really.

mamajong · 09/10/2024 15:20

I'd be fine with it, but both DH and I are OK with last minute plans and comfortable flying solo with the kids. I used to travel with work, so not unusual to have to be away with minimal notice, DH picked up the slack but tends to have more frequent but local plans for sports and hobbies so it balances out.

But if it doesn't work in reverse I.e he would take over for you last minute then yanbu

OakElmAsh · 09/10/2024 15:30

Depends on the context, but i've done it at short notice, after checking the calendar and knowing it wouldn't put DH in a bind with activity pick-up/drop offs etc.
I call and tell him when i can, but due to the nature of both our jobs it often has to be a text.
Never caused a problem, but would happen max twice a year

Original poster
Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 15:35

arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2024 15:09

Take it the child is of an age which needs looking after?

We both couldn’t just not come home after work. Not little but can be left for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2024 15:38

Still very vague op.

Are you talking 8yo?

Or 11 and one parent has a different opinion on independence than the other?

Like others have said, there's so much context missing. Either way, it's quite a rude text rather than a 'would you mind if' courtesy type one.

Original poster
Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 15:39

About 50/50 then. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 15:41

arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2024 15:38

Still very vague op.

Are you talking 8yo?

Or 11 and one parent has a different opinion on independence than the other?

Like others have said, there's so much context missing. Either way, it's quite a rude text rather than a 'would you mind if' courtesy type one.

It’s the ‘either way’ I’m interested in. I think it’s rude. I’d probably feel the same even without DC. But I can see it’s not a clear cut thing and different people have different views on it. Helpful to know!

OP posts:
DiscoinFrisco · 09/10/2024 15:41

I'd be fine with that tbh and so would dh. I'm happy he's out and happy to be alone with dc..

MrSeptember · 09/10/2024 15:46

Let's say that there's no real impact on the other person, eg you don't have children, I'd still see the tone of this message as a bit rude. BUT, I know other people wouldn't. So really, it comes down to whether or not a) you are okay with this and b) this is different to how he would have messaged you previously.

NerrSnerr · 09/10/2024 15:46

It depends on what day it is for us. If it was a day where children have different clubs etc I'd be a bit pissed but if it's a day where we're just at home anyway it'd fine.

My children are 10 and 7. If they were toddlers/ babies it'd probably be different.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/10/2024 15:49

I wouldn't phrase it like that and my DH wouldn't either but I would be fine with him telling me at short notice that he wouldn't be home if he was generally doing his bit.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/10/2024 15:53

If you are going to be home and don’t have something on that needs both of you then don’t really see an issue with it every so often. Aren’t there often situations where one of you needs to work late/ a last minute social event comes up etc ?

Undisclosedlocation · 09/10/2024 15:58

I wouldn’t mind the late notice but I’d be mighty pissed off to be TOLD I was expecting to be solo parent for the night rather than asked

FuzzyGoblin · 09/10/2024 15:58

As much as I would say to DH and vice versa that I had plans and would be out if he relied and said not tonight because he wasn’t feeling great, needed work, or there was some other kind of issue, then that would cancel those plans. It sounds like a relationship issue rather than a communication issue that you have.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/10/2024 16:03

I think it would be fine if no kids or of kids were secondary school age. Not if younger as you then couldn’t both decide that at the last minute, so there has to be some checking.

Even if no kids, I’d expect a bit more info/ discussion. Eg “Oh X has just called so we’ve arranged to go out, hope that’s ok” or “a work situation has come up”. Just because it’s polite rather than because agreement/ permission is needed (in that case).

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/10/2024 16:04

Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 15:35

We both couldn’t just not come home after work. Not little but can be left for a couple of hours.

Show quote history

we typically operate on a first come basis unless the one that is second has a more important reason for being late in which case we would discuss it. So if you haven’t said you won’t be home then fair game for him to.

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2024 16:05

It's fine as long as you could do the same and you didn't have plans. I'd hate to never be able to join in with last minute drinks etc.

Rickrolypoly · 09/10/2024 16:07

So what is it that you are actually annoyed about? Is it that he told you he was going out and didnt "ask"?

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