Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think other co-parents wouldn’t.

53 replies

Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 14:49

AIBU to think that if you live together in a partnership and share a child/children, it’s not ok, with four hours notice to text ‘I am off out tonight so won’t be home.’

Curious about if other people would be irked.

OP posts:
ahemfem · 09/10/2024 16:09

You say co-parent, are you in a relationship with this person?

Personally if it were me and my husband we'd know exactly who was home when so it would be fine as long as it wasn't the same person each time.

tinglingallover · 09/10/2024 16:10

I wouldn't mind if my partner messaged something along the lines of:

"Hi. The guys at work are going out for a drink straight from work. Is it OK with you if I join them x"?

ahemfem · 09/10/2024 16:10

ahemfem · 09/10/2024 16:09

You say co-parent, are you in a relationship with this person?

Personally if it were me and my husband we'd know exactly who was home when so it would be fine as long as it wasn't the same person each time.

Ah yes you are. Then I think its a thing for you to decide as a partnership what's OK and what's not

Mandylovescandy · 09/10/2024 16:17

We have set evenings so we can make plans for those without having to consult so yes if it was my evening out I would already have plans (even if that was just at home) and I would be annoyed. I think it is the tone of the message particularly though as if he messaged to explain it was work or other emergency then fine

mitogoshigg · 09/10/2024 16:19

Sometimes things are short notice, when I had dependent dc we would ask the other in such situations

booisbooming · 09/10/2024 16:24

It's a little brusque and obviously better to say "Steve's asked me out for a pint tonight, that's alright isn't it?" But basically it's fine, because if I had plans it would also be acceptable for me to say "er no not tonight, I'm already going out with Kate". But if I was going out with Kate and hadn't told DH because I assumed he would solo parent, then that would be equally rude from me?

In a separated co-parent situation it would be very unacceptable.

Freshersfluforyou · 09/10/2024 16:25

Kids aged under 6/7 - yeah this would be annoying. Kids older than that? Shouldnt be that big a deal unless the kids have SEN so more tricky to manage, or its happening all the time?

Completelyjo · 09/10/2024 16:26

Wouldn’t bother me in general. I would also expect to be able to make last minute plans at times.

TeeBee · 09/10/2024 16:31

I think it's rude. They presumably have parenting responsibilities as much as you do (you sure didn't make those children by yourself). If they want to duck out of their responsibility, I'd expect a request rather than being told. If it was a one-off, I'd overlook it but if it was part of a pattern of selfish behaviour, I'd be addressing it.

Drfosters · 09/10/2024 16:32

I think context is important. It isn’t unusual for my husband to text me middle do the day to say he’s going out for drink that evening after work with friend/collegue. He wouldn’t be back late (usually they would have 1 or 2 beers as they all have families to get home to) and I’m at home anyway so I’d just say have a nice time. If he didn’t it regularly and rolled in at 2am I don’t think I’d be very impressed.

Hollowvoice · 09/10/2024 16:33

Occasionally DH will text me on his way home and say "I might meet X for a beer on the way, is that ok?"

And yes, it is. If I've got plans he already knows, if I don't then it's fine. Only time it wouldn't be is if DC or I were unwell

Fedupwithteenagers24 · 09/10/2024 16:37

What fresh hell is " co parent". Is that two parents bringing up shared children? Ie parenting ?

GivingUpFinally · 09/10/2024 16:40

Why does he need to ask? If a you have anything preplanned at home then yes, I would expect him to have a conversation about it.

But if I'm in with no plans and just the kids. Both who are not able to be left for any length of time. One being a toddler. It shouldn't matter that he's gone out.

We both do this on occasion, and it's never a problem.

I wouldn't dream of having to ask of I can go out after work.

Last week, I texted him saying pipping to the pub for a drink. Say goodnight to the kids for me. And guess what it wasn't an issue.

He's done the same...popping to the gym, for a drink, to the club etc.

Ablondiebutagoody · 09/10/2024 16:41

How far in advance do they need to ask for permission to go out? 4 hours notice is loads. Even if it was 1 hour or 10 minutes, I don't see the big deal.

Original poster
Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 16:42

tinglingallover · 09/10/2024 16:10

I wouldn't mind if my partner messaged something along the lines of:

"Hi. The guys at work are going out for a drink straight from work. Is it OK with you if I join them x"?

Thats what I’d do. It’s the tone I didn’t like. It was an instruction not a discussion. But if that’s the way it is then I will accept the same freedom gladly.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 09/10/2024 16:44

For me it totally depends on why they can't come home. If it's "we are having a disaster at work and I'm stuck here with the team dealing with the crisis", that's understandable if it only happens very occasionally and you know the other person didn't have anything else pre-arranged. But if it's "the team has decided to go out boozing to celebrate our big success" then no, that should be a "the team is going out tonight, are you ok to cover at home?" question.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/10/2024 16:45

In our house we ask, even if its actually a given that you're going. I know that sounds odd, but it's just politeness to at least acknowledge that your actions have an impact on the other person. Its the difference between 'can you stay at home tonight please' and 'I've decided you're staying at home tonight'

Original poster
Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 16:46

SummerInSun · 09/10/2024 16:44

For me it totally depends on why they can't come home. If it's "we are having a disaster at work and I'm stuck here with the team dealing with the crisis", that's understandable if it only happens very occasionally and you know the other person didn't have anything else pre-arranged. But if it's "the team has decided to go out boozing to celebrate our big success" then no, that should be a "the team is going out tonight, are you ok to cover at home?" question.

Not work related. Just drinks with mates.

OP posts:
redannie18 · 09/10/2024 16:47

I would expect to be asked or ask if it was me, just to check in and be courteous- i’m dropping the ball tonight, is that ok? Etc

That said if it was to meet a friend for coffee for an hour that is very different from going out on the piss until 2am so circumstances will vary.

Original poster
Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 16:47

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/10/2024 16:45

In our house we ask, even if its actually a given that you're going. I know that sounds odd, but it's just politeness to at least acknowledge that your actions have an impact on the other person. Its the difference between 'can you stay at home tonight please' and 'I've decided you're staying at home tonight'

That’s what I prefer. But I can get behind just doing what I like and assuming my partner will be fine with that. Freedom awaits!!

OP posts:
DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 09/10/2024 16:48

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest - as long as there were no other plans on the calendar. Both of us are happy to manage the kids (primary age) We wouldn’t do it two consecutive nights in a row but no issues about short notice plans on either side here.

autienotnaughty · 09/10/2024 16:51

Before our son was born that would have been fine. Now we are both parents neither of us can just decide to opt out. I would ring/text asking if it was ok. Whe ds is older it may change.

I guess it depends on how much parenting you are doing, there's a big difference between 2 and 12 for example

stanleypops66 · 09/10/2024 17:00

It depends. Dh and I have assigned nights for taking dc to clubs. If it was a night he wasn't on duty and he text to say he was going out then I wouldn't care as it wouldn't impact me.

SophiaJ8 · 09/10/2024 17:02

Why can’t the other parent have a night out?

Original poster
Iamoffout · 09/10/2024 17:12

SophiaJ8 · 09/10/2024 17:02

Why can’t the other parent have a night out?

Please read it properly. It’s the tone of the message. An instruction. With little warning. I’m not saying they can’t have a night out. But to just instruct your partner that this is happening you are assuming they are happy to parent alone. I would usually check it’s ok first. Out of politeness. But if we are going to just do what we want and not check I’ll sign up to that and enjoy the same sense of freedom. Fantastic!!

OP posts: