Struggling with DH depression

[Cazzie1979]

Been married 11 years, two children age 6 and 9. DH works incredibly hard, a full time job in the week, he then does a freelance job at least 1 evening of the weekend (but often 2) and he’s now taken on the coaching for our son’s football team. I am worried about him as he is extremely down about how little time he has for himself, feels all he does is work, says he has no enjoyment in life. He has a heart attack a few years ago and has said he wished he hadn’t survived it, he says he wants someone to finish him off as he doesn’t want to be here anymore.

I’ve said something needs to give so said he needs to cut back on the weekend work but he won’t because he says we need the money and can’t survive on just his salary and my part time wages. He has panic attacks in the night about how much pressure and stress he’s under to make money for all our bills and things for the kids. He’s messed up a few times at work because the stress/depression is impacting him, so that’s added even more pressure.

I feel awful because I am finding him really difficult to be around. He’s always so negative, as I said nothing brings him joy not even our kids, he has less patience for them. I can never say anything right - he hates his life so I say change it but he says he can’t as need the money. I’d be happier tightening our belts and going without things, than seeing him so down. He has a GP appointment on Friday about his depression but he’s already negative that it won’t help and he wouldn’t take pills anyway if they prescribe them.

If anyone has experience of being with someone who feels this way about life, how do you deal with it? The constant negativity is making me feel joyless too - I’d do anything to make his life better but I just can’t see how I can change it when he thinks he needs to work as much as he is.

I would find it hard if the attitude was already I won’t take the pills and I won’t help myself …
He sounds young to have a heart attack - was he offered any support after?
he needs talking therapy as well
You cannot fix him or his depression - you may need some support tho
good luck

Do you work? Could you pick up some of the financial slack?

I feel for you, it's really draining.

Would he let you come to the GP appointment? That might help so the GP can get a proper understanding of what's going on. If not, could you help him make a list of points to cover? It's super important for the GP to know he's thinking in terms of wishing he hadn't survived the heart attack. What he can do then is just show the list rather than having to put it into words in the moment.

Also have you told him how it's affecting you?

Ultimately he needs to take steps to help himself though, there is nothing you can do to cure depression. For instance if he's not going to take medication, what is he going to do? But also - bear in mind he's not in his right mind, the negativity of depression is insidious and can't be shifted easily. and it's really concerning the way he's talking about wishing he hadn't survived his heart attack.

Edited because I missed the GP appt. That is very disappointing if he does not take the pills. They can be life-changing. However you often feel worse before you feel better so he would need to be supported somehow not to stop.

If the root cause is financial pressure then the obvious thing is that you need to find a job to bring more money in and balance things up so that he can take a step back. The reality is working multiple jobs every day of the week is horrific for mental health and stress levels, but if that money is needed then something has to give and it cannot be his health. Find a way to bring more money in so that he can take a step back and just work a typical working week.

The way you change it is by reducing the financial burden so he doesn’t have to work as much as he does, if you are working more hours and bringing in more money there is less financial pressure on him and he will be able to take more time to focus on getting better.

Take a look at metpsy, I think they are based in Scotland, they offer an app and online counseling about lifestyle changes to impact mental health. It is very science based and might help.

https://metpsy.com/about/

Anti-depressants are not going to change the fact that this man is having to work 7 days a week to keep their life afloat.

This is not a a situation where tablets are going to be “life changing” unless the tablets come wrapped in £50 notes.

You can take all the anti-depressants you want you are still going to be severely depressed and unhappy working 7 days a week, every week, to keep things running.

OP needs to work full time and reduce the financial burden on him- that is what would be “life changing”.

He’s under a phenomenal amount of stress because he’s feeling the pressure of keeping the family afloat. He works 2 different jobs.

You work part time.

There’s an obvious way to relieve some of the pressure here @Cazzie1979

I think like others have said the obvious answer is either you work full time to relieve some of the financial pressure or you adjust your lifestyles so you need less money. If not having time for a life outside of work is the issue then the only answer really is working less so he has that time.

When I was very stressed with work I felt really like there was no alternative because I couldn't see how different options would work. Can you do a budget together and try and work out a plan? Can you downsize/move somewhere cheaper? Can you do some research on that too help him see how it could work?

Are you in serious financial trouble? Would he be open to going through the books and cutting something down to make a difference to the bills or is the real problem that he is a workaholic?

Have you looked at how much more money you'd have if you went full time and used childcare where needed to do this? Even an additional night a week elsewhere to take the slack off him a bit.

Your poor husband - it's obviously all too much for him dealing with this huge pressure. The situation is pretty obvious - get cracking yourself and get a full time job. That's the best way to support him.

I feel for you because it is difficult but there does seem to be an obvious solution here - you need to pick up some of the financial slack so he can actually rest and not be stressed about money.

Those saying OP needs to work full time, you do realise it may not be financially helpful if they then have to spend money on before and after school care and holiday clubs? Also OP says as a family they could tighten their belts but her dh isn't listening. I wonder if the financial pressure he's feeling is part of his illness.

He is doing bugger all to help himself

and i suspect is an epic martyr about all he has to do

but yes OP

i think you need to ramp up your financial contribution

He was early 40s when he had the heart attack, it was much attributed to inherited high blood pressure and heart problems in his family, his uncle passed away under the age of 40 from heart related illness. He was never offered talking therapy for it, just given regular monitoring with check ups, medication etc.

I do feel like I need support - I spoke with my sister at the weekend and it helped to offload how I’m feeling. She’s suffered from depression in the past so had some insight into his perspective but agreed he isn’t helping himself. Not sure where I can get support anywhere else though.

This just simply isn’t the case, OP could work Mon-Fri 9-5 and yes would potentially need to pay for breakfast & after school club but that isn’t going to even close to outweigh the financial benefit of working full time. The kids are 6 & 9, not 8 months and 2 years, nursery might wipe out the benefit of working but after school club will not.

Eee imagine a man working 7 days a week to support his family and still getting shit on here. Bizarre.

For me it's because I know a few workaholic men and I suspect no amount of extra money or a saving of money would help. The problem goes deeper than the family finances.

Except he doesn’t need to work 7 days a week to keep them afloat, OP says they have room to cut back. And how is she meant to work full time with children and with NOT adding to their out goings by using childcare?

I am working the day he has the GP appointment but I said to him this morning that he needs to be completely honest about how he’s been feeling. Good idea to make a list and discuss what he’s going to do if he doesn’t want to take pills.

I’ve touched on how it’s affecting me but he didn’t respond well to that, the whole ‘sorry to be a burden, you’re making it about you when I’m feeling so down’ etc. that’s why I needed to talk to my sister because I don’t feel I can talk to him about it.

But “cut back” could mean lots of things. It could mean no 3 week trip to Dubai, which okay fair enough yes cut back. But it could also mean taking kids out of school clubs, or counting pennies on the food shop, or cancelling Wifi, which is very different and would impact quality of life enough that actually it’s not great to “cut back”.

Also, the kids are 6 & 9. Childcare wouldn’t mean £70 a day nursery fees, it would be breakfast & after school club, which would nowhere near wipe out the financial benefit of working full time.

I have discussed multiple times with him about me going from part time work to full time but he thinks that will cause other pressures - at the moment I can do all school runs, homework with them, take them to activities, cook meals, do washing, generally be on top of all school/life admin that he doesn’t do. If I worked full time then we’d have to pay for after school clubs, maybe stop things like swimming lessons as wouldn’t be finished in time to take them etc. He’d have to take on half the life admin that I do if I worked full time and I’m not sure he’d manage it.