Struggling with DH depression

[Cazzie1979]

Been married 11 years, two children age 6 and 9. DH works incredibly hard, a full time job in the week, he then does a freelance job at least 1 evening of the weekend (but often 2) and he’s now taken on the coaching for our son’s football team. I am worried about him as he is extremely down about how little time he has for himself, feels all he does is work, says he has no enjoyment in life. He has a heart attack a few years ago and has said he wished he hadn’t survived it, he says he wants someone to finish him off as he doesn’t want to be here anymore.

I’ve said something needs to give so said he needs to cut back on the weekend work but he won’t because he says we need the money and can’t survive on just his salary and my part time wages. He has panic attacks in the night about how much pressure and stress he’s under to make money for all our bills and things for the kids. He’s messed up a few times at work because the stress/depression is impacting him, so that’s added even more pressure.

I feel awful because I am finding him really difficult to be around. He’s always so negative, as I said nothing brings him joy not even our kids, he has less patience for them. I can never say anything right - he hates his life so I say change it but he says he can’t as need the money. I’d be happier tightening our belts and going without things, than seeing him so down. He has a GP appointment on Friday about his depression but he’s already negative that it won’t help and he wouldn’t take pills anyway if they prescribe them.

If anyone has experience of being with someone who feels this way about life, how do you deal with it? The constant negativity is making me feel joyless too - I’d do anything to make his life better but I just can’t see how I can change it when he thinks he needs to work as much as he is.

For context my ex had severe depression, unmedicated a lot of the time. I work full-time always did and was the only income.

Prioritise your health and wellbeing. If you have a work EAP, engage now. If not look for support group for spouses etc.

Financial stress can be reduced by having an accurate picture of where you are and a plan. Engagement with a financial support organisation could be helpful. In Ireland we have MABs I am sure there's something similar close to you.

Heart conditions are known to have links to depression. The sense of doom is spoken about by heart attack survivors.

He needs to reduce his workload and for his children's sake he needs to take 45 minutes a day to do some for his health. It could be a walk, music, audio book, swim. Anything it is about creating the space for headspace.

Life balance is key. I wouldn't wait for him to agree to you working full-time I would simply do it. He shouldn't be working over a full time when you aren't. That's not going to work when there are financial challenges.

Yes there will be changes but to be honest if you were working full-time you just find a way to do these things.

Choose a childminder if that gives flexibility of activities. If your job doesn't cover that cost then start looking for a higher income job, so you need to up skill. Is there a side step that gives flexibility?

Change isn't easy, and when you have been through such a scary time I completely understand how the blinkers come on. We enter survival mode, we make as few changes as possible to keep the calm.

By taking some extra control you are showing him he doesn't have to carry it all. I know you do more than fair, that isn't what I am saying. Currently the financial issue is impacting his health so the solution is to increase income. Unfortunately that capacity is with you.

The children will be fine, reduction of stress is in their best interests.

I have felt exactly like your DH says he feels. And I mean exactly.

Pills won;t help, not really.

I went to the GP, they referred me to a local private therapy clinic and I have been going weekly for about 10 years.

Combined with taking up meditation, it literally saved my life (though not, to be honest, my marriage.)

I recommend he gets good, private counselling / talk therapy.

I also very much recommend the book 10% happier, get it on Amazon or the audiobook, again, this really, genuinely saved my life. I was in the deepest, blackest pit. Now I am not, though I occasionally look down the pit again, it's a struggle.

He won't be thinking rationally so any rational decision you make you'll have to make on your own. He needs help. I went with my DH to several of his appointments to make sure he wasn't minimising and that he didn't come back and say to me 'they said there's nothing to be done' when actually that's not what they'd said.

I'm in two minds about whether it's best to accompany him to the GP as he will need to be brutally honest and might not feel he can be with you. They will ask him about suicidal feelings and he might minimise that if you are there as it is truly horrific to hear someone you love talk about that. It's a difficult one and will depend how much he opens up to you already.

I'd also be wondering about other debt - if you've got money sat there leftover from redundancy then aren't you in a better position financially than most people? Why doesn't he use that to pay off his debt, I understand wanting an emergency fund but the interest on the debt would wipe out any benefit surely.

Yes I think I can just go ahead and make some financial cut backs. He usually organised the Christmas presents for the kids and spends almost £1000 - I’ve taken it on myself and reduced it to £600. I’m also going to look at our joint account tomorrow and see if there’s anything we can cut back on or remove spending altogether.

He’s worried about the mistakes he’s making at work because of the stress and depression so I don’t think he’d be ok taking time off, I know he’d worry about losing his job. We have a mental health support service at work so I might use that. My family are very supportive and we are close so I know they will help me offload how I’m feeling. Thank you for your great advice about telling DH how much he means to us.

I don’t think we do need him to work the hours he does, He admitted today that the amount he’s working is not sustainable. He is trying to pay the credit card debt off £500 per month because he says once he’s cleared it all he’ll feel much more in control of our finances and not feel he needs to work as much.

I said he should use some of his redundancy money to clear it so that’s one option (he wanted to keep that money in case of emergency but I said if it helps ease pressure then use it). I can’t do the weekend work for him but I could look at finding extra work myself in evenings or weekend

I’m so sorry to hear that about your DH, it sounds very tough situation for both of you. I’m glad he’s in the road to recovery now. He’s going to the GP Friday (couldn’t get an appointment before then). That’s a good idea to contact Mind thank you.

Going by what I discussed with him today, the credit card bill is the primary reason he’s working so hard at the weekend.

I don’t think there’s extra debt but he has hidden it from me before so it’s possible. I always feel like what I say or do is wrong for him, but also it brings me down too while I’m trying to keep things happy for the kids.

Thank you for this, you are right he does need to help himself. Yes I have my family they are a great support, my sister really let me talk it over with her as she has experience herself of depression

I think this is definitely worth a try - I’ve just done that with the amount usually spent on Christmas presents for the kids, so can definitely do the same for other expenditures. I don’t think working from home all week helps either as he often doesn’t leave the house and that’s not good for his mindset

I suggested that to him today - he wants to keep a certain about of savings in case of emergency but will use the rest of it on the debt

Yes, I agree with that consequence of wfh - I’ve had to remind mine that he’s not been out for a couple of days - only to the manshed.

Wfh has many advantages but some disadvantages and that’s one of them.

Working is his crutch that stops him feeling/thinking too much.

He has anxiety as well as depression. I think he is anxious to know what to do with himself if he has downtime. The financial element is just a justification. Which is why he books holidays so he has an excuse to push on at work. Anxiety is what causes the panic attacks.

Medication will help but it just numbs their feelings. It doesn’t cure it and from my experience with my OH it doesn’t get any better. It wears you down too eventually.

I agree too re the wfh. Both of us wfh but I feel I'm more able to compartmentalise and I also spend time doing other things. He spent all day in the office and then couldn't cope with a job that required him to be in the office.

Hidden it from me before..... 🚩

Are you 100% he's still got his redundancy money ?

I'm wondering if he's in a lot of very hidden debt and it's caught up with him.

Was he depressed before his heart
attack ?

And there it is.

What's he spending all this money on OP? If it's not shared decisions, how can you be expected to share the consequences?

Call in sick to work and go to the GP with him. This would be non negotiable to me.

Then, sit down and go through your finances - Line. By. Line.

It sounds like you're taking really good steps.
Do you think your DH is struggling with his self worth due to the depression, then pouring everything into providing material things for the family to make up for what he sees as his failures, but this takes so much effort that it's a vicious cycle? The material things are also something he can control which might feel soothing when he's overwhelmed, but again it just adds to the root cause of worry.

So hopefully it will help a bit if you take those decisions and show that they're the right ones for the family (fwiw £1000 sounds a huge amount for children's presents, so that seems like a smart decision). Can you start daily short walks together before or after work maybe? Everything you've said gives an impression that he feels a huge amount of pressure to live up to standards of a great husband/dad he's created for himself, so try to show him those expectations aren't real and hopefully he can build up his self esteem over time. He needs to be open with you about the finances though, that part is worrying!

The situation doesn't seem particularly difficult to be honest, it's his perspective and inflexibility or willingness to compromise which is leaving you with tied hands, and that's not a life for you.

Clear the debt with the savings, unless your debt is interest free? He can't say he doesn't want you to work more because he likes you at home doing the life admin and playing the support role, and then complain that the earning pressure is on him, particularly if he's spendy with holidays and books them unilaterally, and is no stranger to running up a cheeky debt.

I think you need to try to get a bit of independence back, you're very enmeshed in this situation and tied up with what he wants, and what you want doesn't seem to get a look in. Yes he may have depression, but you can't let that ride you into the ground forever. Stop focusing on him and start thinking about yourself. He's a grown up, if he won't get himself help, you can't do it for him.

@Cazzie1979 , I deal with women with PND. I know it's not the same, but depression is depression. This may be useful to you.

Depression doesn't understand rationality. Depressed people are not reasonable, nor will they respond to logic.

Depressed people become incredibly selfish and self-centered, because they cannot behave in any other way. The weight of the depression is too much to consider anyone else than themselves. And often they already feel a burden to others.

What I have found that works is:

• I tell them that, even though they are adults and in every other aspect of their care I would respect and support their decisions, this case is different, because they are not in their right mind to make the best decisions for themselves. And they NEED to listen to me, and do what I say. They need to accept help.
• I remind them that depression is a hormonal imbalance: the person they feel like right now is not the person they really are.
• I remind them that there is an end to the hell they are in, but in order to find the door out of hell they need help from others. They cannot find them by themselves. Hell has a way to disorient you and make you get lost lost. They need someone that is NOT in hell to guide them.
• I plead with them to give me agency to make decisions about their care regarding the depression, as well as giving any other loved one they trust agency too: their partners, their mum, their sister... the person they trust the most.

Perhaps your DH will respond to this approach?

You need to take charge of the household decisions until your DH is feeling better. This may include talking to HR in your DH's work about his depression and options to support him through it. Taking charge of finances. Taking charge of downtime.

It is a massive job for you, but it may be the only way to help your DH overcome his depression.

You will need help and support too, please keep perusing family and friends to rant and debrief, for childcare help, for meals and time off. And perhaps a visit to the GP to ask for ways to cope would also be a good idea.

My best wishes to you, it's a hard road but there is an end to it

I think you make a really good point and not something I’ve realised when discussing it all with him. I wouldn’t say he’s telling me I can’t work full time, I think he just feels it would create another set of stresses that we’d have to deal with, so it might not end up helping the situation. Definitely agree he is playing the martyr, my sister said the same thing - it’s like there’s no reasoning with him because he’s too deep in the role he’s playing of being the provider that has to work all these hours. It also affects the weekend too as I tell him to rest any hour he has free but that means I’m the only one doing stuff with the kids.

I think I will ask to see the finances and if I don’t feel satisfied that he’s being honest, I’ll ask about the credit check. He’s just said to me now that he put some of the redundancy today on paying off one credit card. He says the debt is on interest free so I’ll check that and if it is, suggest he takes a break from paying off so much of it for a few months (apart from minimum payment) - he’s putting too much pressure to work to clear it all.

My son was doing football training for a club and in Year 2 the team starts playing matches - but none of the other parents stepped up to take on the coaching (it has to be at least 1 parent) and he didn’t want our son to miss out. So he and another parent took on the volunteering, otherwise there would have been no team. I 100% believe if another parent had stepped up he would never have volunteered, because this unpaid role is causing a lot of extra work that he didn’t want but felt he had no choice