Struggling with DH depression

[Cazzie1979]

Been married 11 years, two children age 6 and 9. DH works incredibly hard, a full time job in the week, he then does a freelance job at least 1 evening of the weekend (but often 2) and he’s now taken on the coaching for our son’s football team. I am worried about him as he is extremely down about how little time he has for himself, feels all he does is work, says he has no enjoyment in life. He has a heart attack a few years ago and has said he wished he hadn’t survived it, he says he wants someone to finish him off as he doesn’t want to be here anymore.

I’ve said something needs to give so said he needs to cut back on the weekend work but he won’t because he says we need the money and can’t survive on just his salary and my part time wages. He has panic attacks in the night about how much pressure and stress he’s under to make money for all our bills and things for the kids. He’s messed up a few times at work because the stress/depression is impacting him, so that’s added even more pressure.

I feel awful because I am finding him really difficult to be around. He’s always so negative, as I said nothing brings him joy not even our kids, he has less patience for them. I can never say anything right - he hates his life so I say change it but he says he can’t as need the money. I’d be happier tightening our belts and going without things, than seeing him so down. He has a GP appointment on Friday about his depression but he’s already negative that it won’t help and he wouldn’t take pills anyway if they prescribe them.

If anyone has experience of being with someone who feels this way about life, how do you deal with it? The constant negativity is making me feel joyless too - I’d do anything to make his life better but I just can’t see how I can change it when he thinks he needs to work as much as he is.

Edited as you've just responded.

I had a feeling that if the answer was purely financial and would be solved by you going full time you'd have worked that out already.

He sounds like he's in a negative groove and his thinking has become very fixed and there's only one person that can get him out of that, and it's not you.

As I said in my reply to previous poster, I’ve offered to see if I can work more hours at current job or find a full time one but DH doesn’t think the time is right given the ages of our children and what I currently do for them - we’d have to pay for childcare and he’d have to step up in other ways as I just about keep on top of kids, school, activities, life admin working part time - I don’t handle stress easily either so he’d need to help with that and I’m not sure he could given I’ve always done it.

Those are really concerning comments he's made about wishing he wasn't here, that the heart attack had killed him. He needs to make that clear to the GP.

Together with the comments about not wanting to take the financial steps you could, and not wanting to take pills, it sounds like he's feeling hopelessness and despair that you probably can't solve even by being the most supportive wife in the world and fixing some of your practical problems. Are you able to take charge by just making some of the financial cutbacks? Then you could show him how the situation is improving.

Is his FT job one where taking a prolonged time off for mental health would be possible? Do you have anything like an employee assistance programme through work, to get support on how you're affected? You need to talk to someone about the impact on you but I don't think it can be him at the moment. With him, I'd probably focus on making it clear how much he means to you and the children, and how you love him for who he is, not for the money/work accomplishments/football coaching etc, and maybe try very small steps getting back to things he used to enjoy.

And school/club runs, and sick days and school holidays….you have no idea what she would be earning, so you really can’t claim it would nowhere near wipe out what she’d be making. I trust OP can tell us if there’s room to cut back or not, and she says there is.

I don’t think we can downsize as we have a 3 bed house and a boy/girl. But doing a budget is a good idea. He has some credit card debt and he’s done a plan to pay it off over a year - he’s said after he’s paid it off he feels he can work less. But sometimes he just doesn’t take on board what I’m saying - I said we don’t need a holiday next year, but he doesn’t want the kids to miss out so he books a UK holiday. We could have easily said we couldn’t afford it next year but he won’t do that, so sometimes I feel he doesn’t help himself.

Is the financial pressures he feels genuine? Do you actually need him to work the hours he does? Or is it part of his depression to feel he has to push so hard?

If you haven't already, I'd sit down and do a proper budget to determine what you actually need. If you do need more money, then can either of you look at doing better paid work rather than increasing hours (obviously, I don't know what you both do, so no idea whether this is possible)

Can you maybe do the weekend work, so that you both get a few days off over the course of the week and childcare isn't impacted?

If you can't go full time, and he needs to keep working 7 days a week it's time to look at your position with what can be changed. Are you living beyond your means, can you move to a cheaper property, what can you cut. Unfortunately you can't just have it all ways. Something has to give.

Hi. My Dh has severe depression, and was also worried constantly about money ( he was made redundant though which triggered a severe episode) But he was also obsessed with his job and used the work all the time and go over and above so the depression was triggered when he didnt have that anymore. I do work full time luckily, and we can get by with my salary and Universal Credit and the redundancy. Basically, the long and the short of it was that my DH was sectioned as the depression turned into psychosis very quickly (immediately after being prescribed anti depressants so keep an eye out for that too). He is now on a cocktail of drugs and is much more himself, and is almost ready to come home. But he was still worried about money, to the extent that he was worried about who was going to pay for the hospital stay (NHS). The doctor suggested that the financial worry is part of the illness, so even if OP went full time, it may not resolve the issue. OP you can't solve it and you cant be responsible for his treatment. You need to take him to the GP asap, maybe contact Mind too to see what they can offer in terms of support for you.

No we are not in serious financial trouble at all - he was made redundant a few years ago and received a large payout so we have a lot left from that - but when I say we have this money to support us so he doesn’t need to work as much, he replies that it would only last a few months if he didn’t work weekends. He’s cited paying his credit card bills, paying for Christmas, paying off a holiday (which I said we didn’t need), paying all the kids activities - how it would all be spent on that if he doesn’t do extra work as our joint incomes aren’t enough without it.

i don’t know if he’s a workaholic, he seems to hate it but I can’t get him to see we can cut down on things / go without etc so he doesn’t need to work as much.

How much of a factor is the credit card (and any other debt) do you think? It would be worth contacting StepChange, they can help with debt advice and budgeting too. He still needs to see the GP of course, just something else that might help.

Could there be financial issues than you aren’t aware of? Extra debt maybe?
It is very hard being the partner of someone suffering with depression, often you feel like whatever you do will be wrong and it feels like a big responsibility. Be kind to yourself OP.

No we’ve not looked at that yet but it’s definitely something I can check out. Would also need to check whether my current job has the budget for me to increase my hours, if not then I’d have to look for another job.

Sympathies OP I've been there. And i tried and tried to take all the burden off him but the root cause was his mental health, not anything tangible. Sounds like he's throwing himself into work to try and chase peace bur he won't find it there. He needs medical help and you can't fix him. Mind yourself and encourage him to seek help buy I think you going back full time would only see childcare stress popping up elsewhere. When he's in that spiral he won't see a clear path out no matter what you do

That was DH response when I said about me working full time - he has to work until 6, I’d have to work until 5.30 if go full time and he doesn’t want the kids to miss out on the hobbies they do after school (there’s no option to do these at the weekend). I do feel he isn’t listening and often takes on the martyr type role of how hard he’s working but won’t contemplate ways where we can cut back or where I can help out by working longer hours.

i think another poster mentioned working in the evening, I could look at doing that as it wouldn’t affect the kids.

Part of his depression will be an inability to see anything positive or to believe that anything can get better. His statement that he will refuse medication is an example of that. So it probably wouldn't matter what OP suggests he will be negative about it.

I feel really sorry for you. And I think you need to make sure you look after yourself. Do you have people you can talk to? I used my work's counselling service when my DH was going through similar so I had someone who was completely uninvolved that I could rant at.

I also shamelessly used DH's friends and families to support him to give me a break.

I was quite firm that unless my DH got help, took the pills, exercised, ate well all the other advice that is given, I'd have left. He needs to help himself.

Sorry but I lost a lot of sympathy for him when you said he doesn’t want you to up your work because it means he has to be more equal in home and family life. Sounds like he’s choosing to work more to be less involved and can’t deal with the pressure of that choice.

Up your hours op, for your sake. Whatever the future brings, you need to be secure in your own situation. If he refuses to work less or pick up the slack more at home as a compromise, he’s letting you all down. He’s actively choosing not to take care of his health or thinking of the consequences of this.

I understand that it won’t help if you go full time - that makes sense. What I think you’re going to have to do is challenge him very firmly on the expenditure.

So going forward you need to say that you are not going on holiday next year. You will book time off and do days out - some cheap, one or two more expensive eg theme park - but no hotel costs. That is it - final, no discussion. Christmas budget for the DC is X amount - no discussion. The money saved is going into savings and DH drops the weekend work and does a cheap hobby instead.

You need to challenge his mindset that he/you have no choice but to spend on X and that’s why he can’t cut back on hours. Put your foot down.

Surely this is worth a try. He might insist - but I would try really hard to take charge of the expenditure and increase the savings.

Just seen that there's a substantial amount of redundancy £ left, why doesn't he pay off debt with that? why keep paying CC interest rather than clear it?
Seems like he makes all the decisions and you have little
say.

He can't unilaterally book unnecessary holidays and then complain he has to work long hours to cover finances. He's also controlling how you spend your time - saying you can't work full-time as you wouldn't be able to do house/child things which he wouldn't be able to cope with apparently. Playing the martyr is working out for him - he gets to talk about the sacrifices he's making for his family working long hours whilst also opting out of doing the house and family grunt-work.

I was wondering the same thing - does he have other debt he's not told you about. I follow people on the Money Saving Expert debt forums and it's really common that people have hidden huge debt from partners and it causes enormous stress. I just wondered if he tends to live beyond his means, given what you say about the holiday and it's built up. Odd he won't use the redundancy money to pay off the credit card - are you sure it's still there and he's not spent it?.

I'd be pushing him on that, maybe asking him to do a credit check on one of the free sites and show it to you. That will show any loans and credit cards he has.

Alternatively, and if the debt is entirely manageable, then it sounds as if he is so far into the depression and the role he's given himself (martyr, breadwinner, saviour of the family) that you can't help him. If he won't take anti depressants and get counselling or cut back on spending, you may have to start preparing for a possibility you'll have to split up. Your kids will definitely be feeling the effects of his negatively and withdrawal from family life, as are you. From experience, I can say living with someone that that will eventually suck you all down. That sounds brutal and unsupportive but if he won't help himself to get better you have to put your kids first eventually

Why's he taking on the coaching (mentioned briefly) if he claims to feel so stressed with commitments in the name of money?
Is the coaching paying him?
He sounds to me that he doesn't like the life he has and wants to be out all the time, and not being able to say that could well be the cause of the depression.
If he states financial pressure then at least it legitimises his avoidance of any domestic involvement.
Not undermining his depression itself.

I would focus on getting him medical help first then look at the family stuff. As another poster suggested I would really try to go to his GP appointment with him. He has to accept medication and/or therapy, there is no other medical help available. And access therapy for yourself also.

Family stuff - he needs to stop dictating to you what’s what. Do a joint budget. Do a joint plan for increase/decrease hours for you both with regards to childcare and household chores, decide what hobbies you’ll both pursue etc. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like there is a lot of catastrophising from both of you if the current situation with regards to lifestyle (working hours, how you both spend money, kids activities etc) was to change. The reality is the current situation couldn’t really get any more dire so you need to decide together to make joint positive changes!! One small change at a time.

My exH had severe depression and could not think rationally when he was low. From what you’ve said your DH is in a similar space. He did take antidepressants and these were (literally) a lifesaver. It gave him space to start to think rationally and meant that we could have a conversation about how things were and what I could take on additionally to help him. It wasn’t easy and I took on most of the domestic load (as well as working full time) to help him get better. There were times I felt nearly crushed by it all, but I was able to pick myself up and keep going. Luckily I have a good support network, including a very good friend who would just listen to me without judgment when I needed an outlet for all my frustrations. It’s absolutely ok to feel anger about the situation, but you have to find an outlet for it so you can manage it. Drop stuff you don’t need to do, lower house standards (clean and safe is all you need, a bit of clutter or mess is fine) and lean on friends/ family. Above all, look after your own MH first - do what you can but know when you can’t do something.