Am I unfair for not having a party for my son when he turns 6 next week?

[Heathermoorland]

He’s had two big birthday parties - one when he turned 4 and one when he turned 5.
When he turned 4 we had a bouncy castle in a hall party and invited all his nursery friends plus a few from outside school. When he turned 5 last year we invited all his reception class, that was a soft play one.

I said next year he can choose a few friends to go bowling or something, but this year we’re just having a meal with family.

Not being able to afford it is obviously different but if you were going out for a family meal i think I'd offer him that as an option or the choice to have some friends over for dinner and a playdate instead.

The meal out would probably still cost more and no matter how small I'm sure there's still space for 4 or 5 kids to come for tea and to play for a bit at your house.

This thread has made me feel mega guilty, I have just said to him that he can have one friend to the trampoline place that he loves going to the Saturday after his birthday.

It's absolutely fine.

@Heathermoorland you don't need to feel guilty but you should have added the financial info in the OP as it changes everything as otherwise it just sounds like he has had his big birthdays before he was old enough to even appreciate them or to have friends and now you are just doing a family meal, which is probably more expensive than a party for a few children and not really what most 6 year olds would want no matter how lovely.

I think taking a friend out is perfect. Get the mini Colin Caterpillar mini rolls from M&S in place of a birthday cake so they can have that after they've been playing.

FYI grandparents are paying for the meal out.

@Singleandproud That’s a good idea and I’ll probably get them both a hotdog each or whatever, depending on how much the food is.

Fair point

I had the opposite issue with my son! He hates parties, even other people's! He finds them noisy and overwhelming. So, he's never wanted one! I have offered on numerous occasions but no, not interested! No, he's not got Autism etc either. We just go out for a meal, sometimes just the 3 of us (me, husband, son) or sometimes his Grandparents come too. It's perfectly fine to mix it up a little. Perhaps a day out as a family and then a small gathering, including some of his school friends. We never had this thing of inviting the entire class either, when my son was small, it just didn't happen in schools. Children just accepted sometimes they'd get invited to a party and other times they wouldn't. I don't know how parents afford big parties like this to be honest and it always seems to be a competition between parents.

That sounds fine, will the funds run to a pizza or a burger afterwards? Or back to yours for pizza, they could make their own toppings.

@viques
They do food there so was going to book for 11ish then buy them something to eat at the venue. My DS doesn’t like pizza anyway.

We’re still going for a meal on his actual birthday after school.

I that case YANBU at all.

Shame about the not liking pizza! Make your own pizza parties are the cheapest and the most fun! What you are planning sounds fine, he will have a good birthday bounce with his buddy.

BTW you will probably find , if you asked, that a lot of parents are desperate to break away from the whole class party thing! it gets very tit for tat. You might be starting a trend!

I think children’s parties have got a bit out of control in terms of being expected, and accordingly they have become a bit routine (even mundane) instead of being a big treat.

Of course we all tend to expect a few gifts and a cake every year, maybe choosing the supper that night and having grandparents over. But the whole “annual soft play with the entire class for each of the 30 children in that class” thing is getting out of hand. Children ( including the guests) take it for granted. I was at one a while back and a child went to the host mum and said “can I have my party bag now; I think I’m ready to go home.” 😬

Bear in mind, too, that children missed parties in lockdown and have lived to tell the tale.

When I was young it was a huge excitement when one of us in the class l was having a party. If it happens 30 times a year ( or even 15) it’s a bit same old same old, and I honestly don’t think they get the joy we got. Also mums made a real effort with games, cake, unusual prizes etc and parties were carefully themed with attention to the details. Now it honestly feels like it’s more or less the same party bag at the same old soft play. Same old cardboard pizza and carton of cheap juice. People say “ oh the kids don’t mind, they’rd just happy with a bag of haribos and a balloon.” But I honestly remember appreciating the parties that were a bit less frequent but a bit more special.

My dc always had parties/ birthday sleepovers but they were sociable animals. They have fond memories now.

We've never done parties. My kids don't seem sad or traumatised by it

This sounds great OP. Whole class parties are overrated IMO

I think you’re being very sensible. Giving him a party you can’t afford is just stupid. He will have a lovely birthday with his family and I’m sure you will give him lots of attention and fun! Don’t feel guilty.

A meal is so boring for a child, let him do a little something with some friends

YANBU. Our child recently turned 6 and we just had a family thing. Family (and presents!) is the most important thing to a child this age. Don't feel guilty about it. Our child had a wonderful day and we didn't waste a minute feeling guilty about it.

It’s fine. Make it a special meal - let him choose, don’t worry about it being healthy, serve it in a fun way, get some balloons and such. Maybe offer to invite a friend for dinner if he has a close one.

My siblings and I were allowed parties on even years growing up, and those were still not elaborate. Odd years were for a family dinner and maybe having a friend to sleepover. The counter to that was that we usually got slightly bigger presents on odd years.

PP made a good point re missed parties in lockdown, mine didn't have a party or anything for her 6th birthday, just a "special" cake because it was 2020 and nobody had parties. I did do the whole bouncy castle in village hall thing for her 7th but that was mainly to get her socialising again after a long lockdown just her and me. Think this may have tipped into the extreme now with the trend you mentioned of bells and whistles whole class parties. Trampoline park and a hotdog with a meal with family on the actual birthday sounds lovely 👌

Never have parties for my children. We can't afford it. They aren't negatively affected by it. They can either have the gifts they've asked for or a party. We always do something as a family. Even if that's a takeaway and a cake!
Don't feel guilty OP.

I read another thread dissing them but it’s not unusual for people here to do parties in a park and ask people to bring a dish to share. V low cost

It's not even my thread and I am quite surprised at the replies here. Not to assume, but I guessed at financial being an issue.

Please do not feel guilty OP. Each of my DC had two parties each growing up. There is just no need for one every year. As imo they just are expected then, rather than a treat.

Yes I am a bit older and perhaps every year party is the norm now. But I don't think my DC have ever now chatted about X's 6 year old party, or Y's 8th birthday. It's just not memorable years later.

My DC were always made a fuss of on their day. But that didn't mean it had a include a party every time.

Having a party for everything single birthday is a modern thing. They’re expensive and it puts a lot of pressure on parents.

whats wrong with inviting 2-3 friends round after school for a play and some cake or going to soft play and having a McDonald’s on the way home as a treat.