To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

[Fiftycents]

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

I got given one of these once!! To be fair the poor lady giving it out looked mortified, I think it seemed a better idea in the abstract then reality hahaha. I was a bit ????? Thanks ????? about the whole thing. Any self respecting adult would be, breastfeeding is just about the personal choice and circumstances for you and your baby, not to be the most special little muffin who did A Thing.

She should simply have left it to the next session. I'd suggest someone has a word with her about being more sensitive to those in the M and B group.

All kinds of normal things in life are difficult and an achievement for some people due to their personal circumstances. That doesn't mean that giving out certificates for them is necessary or a good idea. If a thing is worth doing, then achieving it is its own reward. If you're proud of yourself for doing something, that's great!

I persevered with breastfeeding for six months with only one boob and I hated it, but the idea of a certificate is absolutely cringe worthy. I did it for my kid; I don’t need a piece of paper and external affirmation. That’s ridiculous. And as you say, very insensitive to people who can’t breastfeed for all kinds of reasons.

I couldn't breastfeed my 4th because he had a cleft lip/palate. Something like that when he was little would have broken me. I pumped for him for 5 months and that nearly broke me too. It's fine to do that in a breastfeeding group but not anywhere else.

People claiming it "is not insensitive" (as though that is an objective fact) who were capable of breastfeeding their own babies, need to realise that their subjective perception is no more valid than another person's subjective perception. If you do or say something that offends not just one, but multiple people of a group who are different to you, and they tell you the impact of your words/actions, you would have to be insensitive to completely invalidate their feelings by saying they're too sensitive, or need to grow up/get over it. I couldn't imagine being so cold-hearted as to not care about making people feel ashamed/inadequate/like a failure. It would be different if we didn't live in a society in which many pregnant people/mothers are bombarded with info about how breastfeeding is the best thing for their babies, but we don't.
The context in which situations like this occur, matters. To hand them out in a group of new mums with young babies, knowing that some of them will be experiencing PND and some will have been guilt-tripped (whether by NHS staff or friends/relatives) for bottle feeding, is clearly insensitive to the struggles of some of those mothers. PPs have said they wouldn't be offended by Olympians or marathon runners winning medals as if that is the same thing - the difference is those winners wouldn't be given their medals at a group full of people where there is a higher proportion that are not medically capable of running a marathon/competing in that sport but tried hard to do so anyway, and even if they were, they certainly wouldn't ask that those who were not medically capable, clap for those who were! Certificates are supposed to commemorate the hard work and dedication that someone has put into achieving something, and therefore not receiving one implies that if you tried harder or were more dedicated you would have successfully breastfed.

Noone has suggested that people who breastfeed should be hidden, or that those who struggled to do so should not be encouraged/supported, just that this specific scenario, of celebrating breastfeeders in a group including bottlefeeders who may have desperately tried to breastfeed but been medically unable to do so, is insensitive.

It's quite infantilising imo to hand out certificates...like a primary school golden assembly

Completely wrong to hand them out in the general group. A bit of congratulation in the actual BF group is fine.

A midwife said to me that bottles given very early on are much ''easier'' for a baby than the effort that they need to put in to BF successfully.

Some people find BF easy, others don't.

It saves a load of money to be able to do it easily- but it's not like you didn't try- you absolutely did.

A certificate isn't really necessary. What would one actually DO with it?
Stick it on the fridge like a rosette?
Champion Milker?

Omg - I'm really supportive of breastfeeding (extended bf, i won't say for how long because people are judgy!) But suffice to say I have no issue with breastfeeding groups but giving out certificates is bloody weird. I don't think external validation in this way is meaningful, a bit different if a trusted friend in the group says, "you're smashing it..." and I can absolutely understand why giving certificates out outside of group, with those who haven't been able to bf, would feel shitty.

Should have been done at the BF group - if they really needed to do it at all.

Amazing that you pumped for 5 months, thats tough, you did so well xx

Yes, OP has already spelled out that she isn't expecting breastfeeding to be hidden away. There's a vast gulf between not wanting to be co-opted into impromptu certificate presentations and hiding bf away. That really ought to be obvious.

YANBU. I tried and failed to breastfeed DD and successfully breastfed (and still am) DS. I wouldn't want a certificate and applause for doing it I think it's a bit weird.
I too would have found it a bit upsetting when DD was a baby. She wouldn't latch and just fell asleep whenever I tried to breastfeed so we had to formula feed. Having experienced both methods I think both have their merits and difficulties.

They should have left it for the next breastfeeding group session

Odd and stupid to give out certificates so YANBU but I guess they want to give women some encouragement (slightly misguided maybe but I appreciate the sentiment).

I have a 6 week old and Breastfeeding has been one of the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, you wanted to and weren't able to and I understand you are sad about it of course. But that doesn't take away from the fact that even if things are equal and you have a healthy baby, breastfeeding is HARD and so much around us discourages us from doing it. I was delusional with sleep deprivation in the first 4 weeks because I was only sleeping in 20 - 60 minutes slots. I paid £££ on a lactation consultant to get it going properly. I still can't go get my hair done or go to physio (which i desperately need) because my baby is totally attached to me and no one else can feed him so i can't be away for more than 1.5 hrs max. Almost everyone I know has given up by now or is planning on giving up soon.

So yeah, some encouragement is needed so I sort of get what the woman is trying to do and it doesn't have anything to do with you, really. They should have done it in the BF group.

Well that's untrue

I think it's odd to give out certificates and I breastfed for 14 months. I think I would have found it patronising.

This woman asked for a round of applause from women not part of this breastfeeding group. I am definitely not saying breastfeeding women shouldn't be acknowledged publicly - that's ridiculous. But if you're going to hand out certificates in a small group to celebrate it then maybe find out who your audience is first.

What’s untrue? I have DT’s in their mid 20’s - solely fed on formula (by choice). 100% happy and healthy.

I think you're reading too much into a single word. I only meant I know some women found it difficult and persisted and it worked out for them.

You can get it acknowledged at the next breastfeeding group? Why make the generic mum & baby group about breastfeeding? The round of applause is so cringe.

OP I’d have found this upsetting too.

I’ve got something like 5 or 6 years of breastfeeding under my belt and I would have found this mortifying and utterly awful for the women who weren’t getting a certificate.

I am not at all saying breastfeeding mums need to hide away or carry the distress of others. All I'm saying is that I agree this woman should have waited until the following week to hand out the certificates so as to be sensitive to the fact that some women in the following group could still be struggling with breastfeeding or have had to give up.

I actually didn't lack for bf support - I had loads at the support at the hospital and at home. I joined LLL. My very first posts on Mumsnet were seeking help about BF and I got a lot of advice. I just wasn't making enough to feed my baby in the end and was one part of my whole birthing trauma.

This whole you have to own your decision for your own mental health is not fair either.

I am lucky enough to have been able to breastfeed. If anyone had given me a certificate or worse a round of applause I would have been mortified! YANBU. It is not only insensitive but cringe worthy. This should have been done at the breastfeeding group.

I am an ardent breastfeeding supporter, breastfed my toddler for 3 years, but I think this was a very insensitive thing to do, both for you and those receiving the award, I would have been mortified to get one, I breastfed because it worked for me and my child not to get a pat on the back and a certificate….