To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

[Fiftycents]

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

Likewise

You don’t know how hard they found it either though. I breastfed DC1 for a year. I also nearly died of sepsis caused by mastitis when she was days old, and spent 2 weeks in intensive care. I pumped 3 hourly while in intensive care, then built feeding back up when I was discharged. It was really hard. I don’t think that makes me any better than anyone else, I’m just pointing out that just because people have breastfed, it doesn’t mean it’s been easy for them.

I find it very cringe, and rude to women who for whatever reason are not breastfeeding at those 'marks' or to adoptive mothers or to mothers who, for whatever reason, are simply not breastfeeding. And I'm a woman who found breastfeeding incredibly easy, having breastfed my DDs until ages 2 and 3 respectively. It's not a competition, ffs.

I'm sorry that happened. I struggled with my first. Really wasn't easy at all.

I agree that other mums may have had a difficult breast feeding journey and it's amazing to achieve what they did. But surely being able to breastfeed is the reward. And in any case, it's still spectacularly insensitive to hand out certificates in front of mothers who are not breastfeeding - because this woman should have known that some women like the OP and me weren't able to even start the journey, and not for want of trying.

All the posters saying breastfeeding is not an achievement and comparing it to certificates for other stupid things like changing nappies have clearly never struggled to breastfeed and don't know how hard it is.

There are some very insensitive responses on the first page - presumably by mothers who had no problems with breastfeeding.

I found bf incredibly difficult with my first, used formula initially and then mixed fed for a few months. Someone else getting a certificate for achieving what I couldn’t do doesn’t make me feel bad though. Parenthood is a whole lot easier if you are secure in your decisions and choices.

Sounds like an anomaly in this particular scenario and ordinarily the ‘certificates’ wouldn’t have been given in that group.

While it’s not exactly appropriate, I hesitate to call it ‘insensitive’. I think women would do well to own whatever their journey has been, knowing it’s right for them and their baby, and not let others have such a rein on their emotions.

It’s an emotive subject yes, but I think we all need to have more conviction for ourselves and not let these things get to us.

Your point is that this 'amazing achievement' (your words) mustn't be acknowledged by anyone publicly - primarily to save the feelings of people who couldn't/didn't breastfeed?
...

Another thought, it's not an achievement, either.

Mothers from around the world tell stories of their difficulties breastfeeding and equally, we hear stories of it being the easiest, most natural thing in the world. Are they all lying? I think not, rather, it just means that the experience varies WIDELY. My dear, dear friend who I worked with daily (so yes, I saw her in person) had a surprise pregnancy where she gave birth around 8 months and didn't know she was pregnant as she'd had erratic periods her whole life (she seriously didn't look pregnant, just a tad overweight in the tummy), she went in and they told her she likely had kidney stones...the shock of delivery and the shock of dealing with being a single, new mother made the idea of breastfeeding so out of left field that she didn't do it. She felt incredible guilt already about drinking and pain relief she'd done whilst pregnant, imagine her seeing those certificates - I'd have been livid on her behalf. That's night and day from my experience w/ a textbook latching on with my first baby and no pain. I was expecting it to be difficult or at least a challenge, but it wasn't, but I'm not special or particularly skilled, I just got lucky.

These are both true stories...any one dealing with mothers of newborns should know that there is a BIG spectrum of breastfeeding and it can vary with different kids same mother. I did nothing special to have it easy, my friend did nothing wrong by not breastfeeding at all.

Is it 'rude' to hand out medals and prizes to children who win races at sports day, because it hurts the feelings of parents whose children aren't good at sports?

All sounds very twee and patronising anyway, I wouldn't participate in a group that behaved like that on principle.

It's totally cringe. But I do think you need to lighten up about the bf. It's not worth the agro. It makes very little if any difference in the long run. Your mental health is far more important.

I bf both of mine. Now they are watching telly and eating sweets. Save your energy for something that matters

Not at all. Sports wins are actual achievements done by hard work and commitment combined with discipline and talent. I'm someone who might be considered 'successful' in breastfeeding, but, like I said in my other post, it wasn't a competition, I didn't 'win', I didn't 'work hard' or 'practice'. I got the lucky stick, that's it. Nothing special. Think of women who had one baby who breastfed easypeasy, then the second who had terrible difficulties and ended up on formula. Did the mom lose or fail? No, of course not.

Several of us have pointed out that our “reward” for struggling through our difficult breastfeeding journey (while continuing to breastfeed) was actually to be expected to carry the burden of other mothers’ distress and hide our breastfeeding away from other mums. Which is also spectacularly insensitive.

Most mums who have to give up breastfeeding before they want to are failed by a system that doesn’t provide the necessary support. It’s the crappy absence of proper breastfeeding support we should all be upset about - and yet, here we all are heaping burdens of guilt and blame on other mums instead of getting angry about the lack of investment in maternal support.

I actually had loads of support with breastfeeding, from various sources, and not one professional ever managed to get my baby to latch.

But that suggests that everyone who manages to breastfeed just ‘got lucky’, and had it easy. As per my post above, managing to breastfeed despite nearly dying when my baby was a few days old and me spending 2 weeks in intensive care without my baby was an achievement for me and I did work hard. I don’t want a certificate, but I still think it’s ok to acknowledge that.

I think this is very wrong, and no I am not bitter because I am 6 months too short for a ten year certificate

Breastfeeding is SO emotionally fraught in those early days and UK culture stacks everything against mothers so you are basically set up to fail at every turn. It is essentially luck if you find the right way through that. Determination is a very, very small part of it. It's not the same as giving a prize for sports day. It's more like when they give out prizes for the children who are the "greenest" by walking to school, or who raises the most sponsorship money. ie, things that many of the children are not in control of at all.

And anyway what on earth is this saying about women who make an informed choice that BF isn't the right option for them? It's just barmy. BF needs support as in access to other people BFing and normalisation and access to useful, accurate helpful support. It does not need sticker charts and certificates. I would have found this patronising and embarrassing.

It isn’t about breastfeeding mums hiding away. As OP has already said, breastfeeding mums will obviously breastfeed at baby groups and talk about breastfeeding but certificates and expecting others to clap? Thats just odd.

It is true that it can be hard work - and celebrating that is fair (privately) but there are also women who work very hard but ultimately things don't work out and they are not able to reach their breastfeeding goals.

That is not because they failed. It is because the support system failed them. That is why it feels so crass to offer "rewards" as though it was only to do with effort.

Me too, my daughter was unable to breast feed it was never an option for her. I would have found this too hard.

Right, so it wasn’t deliberate. Why would you not be pleased for other women who did breastfeed? It’s sad you couldn’t, but you clearly tried hard.

The breastfeeding rates in this country are shockingly low. Giving a bit of recognition to mothers who were able to breastfeed and continued to do so is fine. It’s the latter that’s being rewarded not the ‘being able to breastfeed’ bit. Of all the women who were able to breastfeed, these women continued.

That’s it - that’s all.

It is an achievement for some

Yes, of course...you DID work hard and it was a challenge (which is more toward the norm, I feel), but again, everyone's experience is different and handing out trophies is very cringe. It's like getting a trophy when you also work hard to get your child to stop tantruming - do you expect a medal every time? Motherhood is full of hard stuff we overcome, but c'mon, the certificate is silly at best and rude at worst to those who don't breastfeed.

I get that, but doesn't take away how amazing it is