To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

[Fiftycents]

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

Yes, you’re absolutely right. I would have been upset after my struggle to feed DS1.

8 years later with DS2 I would have had a word with her at the end and asked her to never do that again in my best head of department voice. But by then I had an 8 year old who was a walking advert for Cow & Gate and I took no crap from anyone basically shaming bottle feeding mums, intentionally or not.

I took my cue from my wonderful friend who breastfed both of hers but who took her mw to task when she told her 4 year not to feed her doll with a toy baby bottle - ‘feed your baby the proper way like mummy does’ - as she realised her DD might repeat those words to me or someone else.

OP, I’ve had this kind of assumption as well - you needed more help etc.

In my case, at least a dozen mws at Liverpool Womens over five days, including a very senior one, failed to get DS1 to latch properly. At home, my very experienced community mw said let’s have a look at what’s going on, and promptly said that she’d bf her first and third, but her second had been like DS - give him a bottle. She gave advice on expressing but warned me that I wouldn’t get much out. I asked what would have happened to a baby like DS before there was formula - her response was that he would have become very ill.

He was a full term 8 pound healthy baby - who was trying to get the milk very quickly and when it didn’t work for him would pull off quickly and scream. There was nothing wrong with his tongue. Once we got going with the bottle he was very happy.

He is now 24, first class honours in engineering, very healthy and happy, with no allergies etc. if I had known then what I know now, I would not have wasted one second on worrying about failing to bf and trying nipple shields and god knows what. I would have cracked on with bottle feeding, been pleased that I could express a few ounces a day for the first month, and enjoyed the fact that DH could do the late feed and I got a decent amount of sleep.

Take it from an older mum - what you eat in pregnancy and what you wean them on to are what matter above all. If you need to bottle feed, do so in confidence that they’ll be fine. I don’t t know why I didn’t engage my critical faculties properly at the time. After all, I was bottle fed on formula in the late 60s - it has not exactly done me any harm. And bottle feeding meant I was better rested and enjoyed those early months.

I think it's divisive.
Not everyone can or wants to breast feed.
I tried and couldn't.
It's not bringing women together is it.

My daughter was the only one not breast fed at nursery. And the only one not to get ill. Only off with chicken pox. That she caught on holiday.

I'm still struggling to understand why an achievement for someone else diminshes you.

All babies are amazing - how you choose to feed them isn’t. No one else is bothered about how you feed your babies.

What you eat in pregnancy doesn’t matter above all…I’m sorry that’s just not true.

Thats pretty disappointing a midwife was setting you up with thoughts like that before you’d even started. Why on earth would they say that.

Can I ask how this is any different to getting a certificate at slimming world for example? One person is getting praised for achieving their goal and everyone claps for them, even if they've been there 2 months and haven't shifted a pound yet?

Posts like this really annoy me. They bring out all the absolute bollocks cliches that make me cringe.
Although handing out certificates for breastfeeding is cringey as fuck (and it is) I really wish that FF mothers wouldn’t blame being unable to BF their babies on mothers who did manage to BF. It is not about you. It is not an attack on you. BF mothers get loads of shit from people… at least FF mothers have solidarity in numbers as there are far more of you!
OP - it wasn’t about you.

I don’t doubt it must be tough to want to BF and not being able to… but do you know what else is tough? Establishing breastfeeding in the beginning!! It’s painful, it’s tiring, cluster feeding is a mind fuck and that’s if you don’t count any other issues that may arise. So if moms want to feel proud of themselves for managing to do it, then they bloody well should. It’s not about you.

Because it's not like a certificate for running a race or completing a training course. After having 'breast is best' drummed into you, this is basically saying 'Out of this group, only these women did the right thing, and provided the best start for their precious babies'. Surely anyone can see that this implies that the other women failed to do so, and that heaps guilt on women at a vulnerable time?

How

I really appreciated my 6 week breastfeeding certificate- things had been an absolute nightmare and the thought I was recognised for making it that far even if we didn’t manage more was great in a time I felt a complete failure as a Mum. HOWEVER, I would have been mortified if had been given anywhere BUT the breastfeeding group. I’d hate to think someone like me who had tried and failed would see this and feel bad - it might even be me in a week or so! My own Mum was so teary about not managing beyond 3 weeks when she saw get farther.

No, it’s not that. The certificates werent given to women who were able to breastfeed as a reward. It wasn’t a case of ‘you breastfed baby - well done, have a certificate’. They were given to people who were already breastfeeding as certificates for continuing for X amount of time - ie to incentivise those women who were already breastfeeding to breastfeed as long as they could.

They aren’t giving Slimming World certificates out at the yoga class that uses the room afterwards…

I’m only surprised that she did it because breast feeding is such an emotive topic in postpartum women, in my opinion. I know 3 people who couldn’t bf and we all feel awful guilt about it. There are a lot of complex feelings if you have tried but can’t.

Even if they were, I doubt the yoga ladies would fuss about it.

It's saying you've breastfed. Mums who have breastfed aren't obliged to keep their BF to themselves incase they inadvertently offend mums who have FF their babies.

That’s absolutely understandable. You shouldn’t feel guilty - you tried. You really tried hard. It’s not your fault.

But please don’t let your own complex feelings stop other women feeling happy they’ve breastfed for X amount of time. Their achievement is theirs and it’s not a judgement on you.

Exactly this. It would be weird to be extracting applause from people at a different group, regardless of what the activity happened to be.

If we're using a Slimming World comparison, one wouldn't expect to be requested to give the slimmers of the week who'd happened to stay on for the baby group a clap. If a few of the bf support group also attended a book group and it happened there, that would also be odd. It's a socially inept thing for one group member to impose on other attendees.

I formula fed from birth. I made an informed decision to do so and never regretted that decision so I don't think this would have bothered me in the slightest. I don't think anyone should feel ashamed to bottle feed so from my perspective I think I would have been happy for those mums who had achieved something that they had set out to do and was likely important to them. I would not have felt any less than and you shouldn't either OP.

Excellent post

I agree it was insensitive. I struggle breastfeeding my baby and that would have hurt because I tried so hard. I'd feed back to the person

Surely it’s possible to feel happy without certificates and expecting others to clap?

I don’t think it was the breastfeeding mothers who were expecting people to clap, it doesn’t sound like they had much choice in it.

I am not saying certificates should be mandatory for BF mothers or anything… but this thread is full of “I mean, yeah I suppose it’s fine to celebrate the fact that you managed to BF but please do it privately lest it hurt our feelings”

And a load of posts from BF mothers who are trying to massively down play it so they don’t make anyone feel bad.