To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

[Fiftycents]

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

I wouldn’t want one myself - seems a bit naff and pointless as others have said, but I think it’s fine to have handed them out. We can be happy for and support other people even if it didn’t work out for us! Breastfeeding, like many other aspects of parenting is hard work! I think it’s fine if people want to celebrate succeeding - classic case of comparison being the thief of joy! Their successes do not indicate your failures :)

It's interesting how many of the people disagreeing with the OP have made the assumption that doing this benefitted the breastfeeding mums at all.

We've no reason to think any of them wanted or welcomed this, and they don't appear to have been told about it in advance. Odds are that at least some of them felt awkward and would've preferred not to have a round of applause extracted from other attendees, especially as we now know that there was some eye rolling.

Print out some bottle feeding certificates at home and hand them out next week and ask everyone to clap.

This!

What I find concerning, is that the people running the group are presumably trained breastfeeding counsellors, who theoretically should also be trained in associated postnatal issues, and should have heightened sensitivity and empathy to the very well-known challenges that women can face in this very emotionally fragile period. I was a BF counsellor myself, and wouldn't dream of doing something like this. I'd quietly support the personal achievements of individuals privately with them.

I can understand how it would be insensitive OP, most definitely, considering it wasn't the breastfeeding class. On the other hand, like PP said maybe they went through struggles themselves.
It is a big of a shame that people breastfeeding have to "play it down" though in fear of hurting someone's feelings. I'm currently breastfeeding and if I'm honest I feel uncomfortable telling people who don't (if the convo comes up of course), why should I feel that way?

"It's interesting how many of the people disagreeing with the OP have made the assumption that doing this benefitted the breastfeeding mums at all."

Nobody's made that assumption. We don't know how the women given the certificates felt about it because nobody asked them.

I think women are very aware of what a toxic subject breastfeeding is in this country. I find threads like this almost operate as a sort of popularity contest, where even women who've been through hell to breastfeed and feel it was really important to them will engage in 'pick me' behaviour to downplay the value of breastfeeding in order to fit in with the 'fed is best' orthodoxy.

That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard and horrid for those not bf, for whatever reason.

My story is pretty much the same as yours, minus the tongue tie. I kept pumping and pumping until I almost went crazy. Insensitive indeed and crazy pressure on bf.

Yes, people have.

We've had reference to it as encouragement after a struggle, support, nice. These things are value judgements underpinned by an assumption, one that we have no idea if the women shared or not.

I think breastfeeding groups are good. We don't as a culture support breastfeeding enough. I think it's sad lots of women don't feel confident to start or give up very quickly.

On the other hand I've seen friends lose their minds over it and had babies hospitalised so I'm not an advocate of EBF above everything else. Obviously it's great we have alternatives.

So I don't think anything wrong with celebrating breastfeeding within a breastfeeding group. Perhaps not very inclusive to have given out the certificates in the main baby group. Chalk it up to someone being a bit thoughtless.

But OP in a year this will be such a non issue. It's really easy to get triggered by things in early motherhood (mine was lovely calm natural waterbirths) but once you are out of the exhausted, hormonal bit you will wonder why you were so bothered!

Because some people breastfeed easily and some don't, so if they're trying really hard and it's just not happening they might feel sad they'll never get a certificate when others have had an easier time. It can be quite an emotive topic that makes some mothers feel a lot of shame if they can't manage it, and a physical certificate rather than just verbal congratulations could make the shame/disappointment/comparison more "real". That seems to be how the OP feels and why she was upset by it (even though she's not in the breastfeeding group). I'm assuming the certificates are for solely breastfeeding but obviously I could be wrong

It worries me that breastfeeding should be hidden in case it offends someone.

It's offered as encouragement and celebration.

We have no idea whether the people receiving the certificates felt encouraged or celebrated and valued this gesture. BECAUSE NOBODY ASKED THEM.

I wouldn’t be applauding someone for feeding their baby - it’s a given and how you do it is irrelevant.

This isn't what the people I'm referring to said, though.

The fact that we don't know whether they interpreted it as encouragement or anything positive is all the more reason why no assumptions should be made. It's the point.

I would’ve rolled my eyes and not clapped. No one needs a certificate for feeding their baby, we all do it.

Not seeing anything about anyone thinking breastfeeding should be hidden? At a baby group, one would expect to encounter breastfeeding, and if OP had a problem with that she would indeed BVVVU. This is about one quite specific and unusual incident.

My kids were shit at sports, but I still went to sports day and applauded the kids who got the medals and trophies, even though it made me feel a bit sad and sometimes inadequate that my children didn't want to participate/were flat footed and slow moving.

"I'm assuming the certificates are for solely breastfeeding but obviously I could be wrong"

Why would you assume that?

Certificates for feeding babies? 🤣🤣

What next?

Weaning?
Potty training?
Sleeping through the night?

I’m not asking anyone to hide their breastfeeding, plenty of people are breastfeeding in the groups I go to. It was purely the certificates I found an issue. Like these mothers had gone above and beyond to do what’s best for their baby and the rest of us haven’t.

YANBU OP, that's weird as anything. And anyone involved with breastfeeding must know what a difficult topic is for some.

I breastfed both of mine for far longer than 6 months but I never felt the need of a certificate.

Given those women are at a breastfeeding group they perhaps haven't had a straightforward time with feeding and so I can see that it's nice to mark those milestones. But at the breastfeeding group, not a general group.

You have nothing to feel bad about OP, nothing at all.

Nobody 'needs' a certificate for doing anything.

Out of interest - if you know someone had struggled through a lot to continue breastfeeding and felt good about their effort being publicly acknowledged and celebrated in this way, would you still engage in eye rolling and sneering?

Breastfeeding isn't accessible to everyone.

Those that don't shouldn't be made to celebrate those that do.

YANBU OP.

I would discreetly mention it before the next group. New mums MH can be fragile.

Honestly it's this attitude that does so much damage to women. By struggling on and expressing and all the rest you went above and beyond doing what's best for your baby. By shoving a boob at my babies I got lucky that all went smoothly.

You sound like a great mum.

That woman sounds insensitive at best and bitchy at worst.

Given the other women clearly felt the same as you, would you feel comfortable saying something to the group leader?

Breast feeding doesn’t make anyone a better mother so a certificate isn’t necessary- certificates are for five year olds doing well in their spelling tests.