DH adamant I should stay in job I hate. Who is BU?

[Tabletto]

I've been in my current job for 2yrs and have grown to hate it. I’m in a specialist senior role but underpaid vs what I could get elsewhere, and told no increase possible due to company’s finances. I have good flexibility and work remotely, but the job is stressful. There aren’t enough staff to cover all specialisms, so I’m constantly overloaded with work outside my scope.

We’re starting IVF at the end of February, so I really want start looking elsewhere ASAP. My concern is being stuck in my current role during the treatment then the pregnancy, which would mean another year (minimum) in this job until mat leave. While the mat pay is enhanced, it's not great either.

DH, however, thinks now is the worst time to switch jobs. He’s adamant I should stay for the flexibility with IVF appointments and avoid the stress of a new job right as I’m starting treatment, and focus on my priority of starting a family, plus I might miss out on mat pay in a new role, if IVF works quickly.

WWYD? Would love to hear others views as I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

with a cool head on, he's probably right that now isn't a good time to change jobs.

On the other hand IVF can wait a while. So why not stay at your job until the new laws about protections for workers from day 1 (which includes maternity leave, IIRC) is brought in, and then change jobs?

Stress really does increase the chances of success with IVF, I really think you should stick it out. I mean once that new baby comes (if), then you're really going to want to be additionally stressed about work interactions. Then I mean it's also not going to be a good time, because flexibility, and then another round of IVF, another baby, oh then flexibility for time off and school activities... and retire.

Such a good plan.

Why are you planning to have a child with a man who thinks you're not worth being paid for your skills, should stay in a job you hate and dismisses that you are overloaded at work?

because her DH is thinking ahead, i guess?

DH, however, thinks now is the worst time to switch jobs. He’s adamant I should stay for the flexibility with IVF appointments and avoid the stress of a new job right as I’m starting treatment, and focus on my priority of starting a family, plus I might miss out on mat pay in a new role, if IVF works quickly.

Exactly this, I think he is right that now isn’t the right time to change jobs UNLESS you’re able to push back IVF for another 12 months to give yourself some leeway to find another position, get in, get settled. If nothing else if a new role doesn’t work out you could find yourself pregnant and unemployed, and depending on household finances that could be a real difficult spot.

Also worth noting this poster mentions mat pay becoming day 1 right, that’s potentially true, but applies only to stat mat pay, not any enhanced pay an employer may choose to offer which could be 12 months+ if a really good package (my employer does 6 months full pay but have to have been employed for 52 weeks to be eligible).

I would move jobs. Get one somewhere where you can be happy. There's a small possibility that you'll lose out on maternity pay but in that scenario the joy you'll have from not having to live through the (much more likely) anxious years of hoping and waiting will be a more than adequate compensation.

Be open in the recruitment process that you are undergoing IVF and that if you are very very lucky there might be a need for mat leave soon (which you understand may not qualify for SMP if it's very soon) but that it will more likely be some years off. Yes this will mean some employers don't offer you a job but these are the unenlightened ones who will end up unsatisfactory in other ways. The employer who offers you the job in full knowledge of this situation will be a great employer to work for in the long term.

That's tough, DH is making some good points but you're unhappy with good reason.

There are a lot of unknowns at play here right now. You don't know how IVF will go or how long it may take to even find another job that would be suitable. I'd lean towards trying to stick it out for a while but still keep your eye on jobs. I'd only apply for anything that came up that sounded like it would be so much better it would be worth the risk.

... the job is stressful. There aren’t enough staff to cover all specialisms, so I’m constantly overloaded with work outside my scope.

Honestly? This describes all jobs at the moment. All of them. The fact you have flexibility and can work remotely is a benefit that is increasingly rare. Do you have a better paid job offer on the table now? Are new roles easy to find in your sector? I know many specialist professionals who have taken up to 18 months to get any new job.

I would not give up rights and protections AND flexibility that a 2 year tenure has earned you just ahead of IVF - which is a risky procedure and pregnancy / childbirth / maternity pay - which all carry their own additional risks.

Unfashionable view. You have to make compromises when it comes to pregnancy and child caring.

Your DH is thinking with his head, you're thinking with your heart.

I don't actually think either of you is wrong, as such, I do think in situations like this you need to look long-term. Would you be going back to work after maternity, for example, and can you afford to miss out on any maternity benefits you get at your current job?

He’s right about the mat leave and flexibility. It’s not really fair to start a new job knowing you’re going to need time off for fertility treatments and then maternity leave soon after.

Be open in the recruitment process that you are undergoing IVF

This is very bad advice.

an alternative might be: change jobs now, put plans for IVF on hold until you have passed probation.

Look at it from DHs point of view. IVF is a massive financial commitment anyway, as is having a baby anyway. What you need is stability and predictability with your income, because that reduces the amount of stress you have when you're up in the night feeding a baby you don't know you can afford (speaking from experience here, although my situation wasn't exactly the same)

And being the only one in a job adds a whole heap of extra pressure on your DH while you're being a serene Earth Mother.

He might be right for the reasons previous posters have mentioned but it’s your job, your career, your life. He can be as adamant as he likes but ultimately it’s your choice to apply for other roles.

Well there’s no harm looking for a job is there? If you have a good offer on the table dh may feel differently

Not the most fair stances to take because if OP doing this means that they miss out on maternity pay by switching jobs OR worse they start a new job and fail probation so are let go, who do you think is going to have to fund the household & IVF & child

”Ultimately it’s your choice” doesn’t really work when your household finances and family depend on two solid incomes.

well no because who is going to fund this? he is. So OP needs to weigh up the pros and cons of staying in the job and starting IVF, not staying in the job and starting IVF, and changing jobs and starting IVF when she's settled.

It would be the same, by the way, if the other partner in this was wanting to change jobs at this stage - something has to give. Right now it seems, to me, to be a choice between IVF now and stay in a job OP doesn't really like (but may not be for too long) that has benefits, or switch jobs and delay IVF.

Part of planning a family is the actual Planning. Realistically.

Be open in the recruitment process that you are undergoing IVF and that if you are very very lucky there might be a need for mat leave soon

Do not take this advice.

DH has valid points but you are actually in a job where you are underpaid, overworked and that stresses you out. Stress is not going to be your friend while undergoing IVF so I would look for a less stressful job asap. Don't leave your current position until you have found a new job. Tell DH it's an investment in your MH in order for the IVF to work as well as possible.

so let's say OP jacks in her job. Starts looking. Starts IVF (can they afford it now?) gets a new job, is on SMP. Or gets new job and fails probation just as IVF is starting, or whatever. What are the options then?

I've had IVF. It's really stressful. I'm in agreement with your DH on this.

That's not what he's saying though is it. He's saying the flexibility, the WFH, the mat pay all as being benefits.

Neither of them have a wrong opinion, it's a rock and a hard place.

She would be looking for a role which pays more presumably as she is underpaid now. IVF could stretch on for a long time and there is no guarantee, it’s not fair to put her career on hold and stay in a stressful, poorly paid position because IVF might be successful. Sometimes a short term financial hit (loss of maternity pay) can be worth it.

Yes, but if that new role means no enhanced maternity pay, or it could mean starting, failing and being unemployed and pregnant?

It’s not fair to just place the financial burden on him to fund IVF, household and child without his agreement. That’s relationship ending territory. When you are a team financially you do have to make decisions together because you can’t just force a partner to fund everything against their will. He isn’t saying never look for another job, he’s saying we’re 4 months out from IVF, and potentially pregnancy, so now isn’t the time to take any financial or stressful risks.

He makes logical points.

This is a weird take. Fair on who? Sounds like you're looking out for the future employer and future employees rather than OP?

Shouldn't be a concern when you're thinking about family.