DH adamant I should stay in job I hate. Who is BU?

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I've been in my current job for 2yrs and have grown to hate it. I’m in a specialist senior role but underpaid vs what I could get elsewhere, and told no increase possible due to company’s finances. I have good flexibility and work remotely, but the job is stressful. There aren’t enough staff to cover all specialisms, so I’m constantly overloaded with work outside my scope.

We’re starting IVF at the end of February, so I really want start looking elsewhere ASAP. My concern is being stuck in my current role during the treatment then the pregnancy, which would mean another year (minimum) in this job until mat leave. While the mat pay is enhanced, it's not great either.

DH, however, thinks now is the worst time to switch jobs. He’s adamant I should stay for the flexibility with IVF appointments and avoid the stress of a new job right as I’m starting treatment, and focus on my priority of starting a family, plus I might miss out on mat pay in a new role, if IVF works quickly.

WWYD? Would love to hear others views as I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Anyway, it sounds like a 'better the devil you know' situation. If you move, you would have to accept the risk of potentially more stress, less benefits, less flexibility. Obviously you wouldn't aim to go and work somewhere like that, but changing job is always a massive risk.

He's right.

You'll need A LOT of flexibility for the appointments, it gets really intense at certain times of the month

"To qualify for SMP you must.... have worked for your employer continuously for at least 26 weeks continuing into the ‘qualifying week’ - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth"

So basically you need to be in the new job before you conceive to qualify for statutory maternity pay. This is worth bearing in mind if you're looking for a job while also trying to conceive.

I can't imagine how awkward I would feel taking so much time off for appointments being brand new

I would move jobs now for sure - especially to a company that has a supportive approach to maternity and support for parents - my company for example provides 6 months full pay for maternity and offers flexibility- the sooner you get in prior to getting pg the better - and removing the level of stress is likely better for success if IVF imo.

It seems a little unsupportive. I have a friend who jacked in her job as she found it really stressful. She lost maternity pay. They dealt with it by switching to repayment only on the mortgage. She was so much happier though as found a job she loved and in the long term paid more. Her DP supported her decision throughout (she was main earner). Can’t imagine someone expecting their partner to stay in a crap job, it has such a big impact on quality of life.

I really feel like there are a lot of comments on this thread from people that haven't actually done it

this role - if she finds it - will put her on a back foot as far as employment rights etc etc, and the flexibility she currently has.

Her husband isn't being a big ol' meanie, he is looking to the future and he is trying to minimise her stress at being i the middle of IVF and unemployed, or pregnant and uemployed.

And as pp said: pretty much all jobs are all stress at the moment anyway.

I know this is mumsnet so the tendency is so often to say: sod everything have the baby and do what you want. But it is mumsnet and there are a lot of posts about having done this kind of thing and being strapped for cash with a DH who is now resentful at having to carry the financial load even though he cautioned against it.

It is good they are talking about it, but the decision isn't unilateral.

Are people not allowed maternity leave? Is there a rule that says no babies with x amount of time of a new job? Don't be daft.

I was fired while pregnant. Illegally - but since it was a small company it was cheaper for them to close down and reopen with a new name.

I spent my pregnacy with my lawyer way more than with my OB/GYN, in court when i was massively pregnant, and with no way of getting a new job. It was utterly shit.

I would NEVER recommend trying for a baby unless your job was secure AND your partner is fully on board.

Which is great is financially possible, but when you consider OP and her partner also have IVF to pay for, not being able to keep the heating on, food on the table, a roof over their heads has a much bigger impact on your life than an extra year in the job before moving on with less risk.

gosh writing that last post has got me thinking about how we finally decided we were in a place to start a family. We waited a long time, waited until we were both comfortable in our jobs, i had been in my job long enough to feel secure, that i knew what i was doing etc etc, and the money was good.

I'm not in UK so the maternity leave rules were different (and good) and we had decided for various reasons that i would go back to work when the baby was 6 months old and my DH would take a year parental leave, and then we would decide if we were going to take the final year or not.

We had it all worked out, had enough to pay our (extortionate) rent etc etc etc. And one small spanner in the works (i was 12 weeks and one day pregnant, I'd told them bang on 12 weeks that i was pregnant) threw it all off.

I couldn't get a job as a pregnant woman. I was given the run around by the unemployment benefits agency as "you can't be fired it's illegal" etc etc. Luckily i had legal insurance or it would have been a lot worse. But i was out of work for 3 years, and my MH was absolutely shot to buggery by it all. the stress (DH earned about half my salary) over not being able to afford things got worse and worse as our savings were obliterated. I spent the first 3 years of DC1s life crying and not sleeping or eating well.

In the end, and nearly 30 years later, even going past the baby food aisle gives me awful flashbacks to the stress.

and we didn't have to fork out for IVF.

He is right about the appointments. They are nearly every two or three days during the swimming stage.

It might be NHS funded IVF.

Last one from me. I wouldn't put IVF off for a year or so. The younger you are the better chance you have of success.

Choose if you’d rather delay the IVF or the job change.
Personally I would delay the job change.

This is one of those heart v head dilemmas. Dh is thinking , with his head, whilst you’re thinking with your heart. Neither of you are wrong, and have valid points.

If you start a new job, and are there for less than two years, will that affect maternity pay ?

Even every day sometimes. I know by exhausting experience!

Very true!

It’s very easy to put your whole life on hold when thinking about IVF in case you are pregnant. One of the best pieces of advice that I received (for my mental health) is that if you have to cancel stuff or change stuff around because you are pregnant, you will be overjoyed at the IVF having worked and won’t care about cancelling things or whatever.

So are the downsides of changing jobs (less maternity pay for example) overcome by a successful first round?

Because (and I hate to say it), it doesn’t always work first time, and you could be stuck in this job for years, wishing that you had made the move before you started. Hope for the best but prepare for differing outcomes.

Having done IVF, I wouldn't put your life on hold. It could work quickly but it could also take years. I get where your DH is coming from but I think you'd be better to get a new job, settle into it for a few months and then restart your IVF journey. Having a job you hate and the stress that comes with it isn't going to help you get and stay pregnant.

I started a job just before finding out I needed to have IVF. When I started I told management and he's been so supportive the last 4 yrs. Yes it's taken that long and I've needed ALOT of flexibility as appointments when in cycle are every other day. I was also in a senior position. When we decided to treatment overseas I had flexibility to travel and work from a different country .

The role did get very stressful, however, I was also part of a group responsible for implementing a fertility policy and therefore was able to take paid leave when going through an iVF cycle.

The lack of stress made a huge difference as well as having full flexibility which takes away that element of stress.
I'm mu experience, I stayed to go through IVF. Having a family was my first priority. I wanted to leave and climb the career ladder and do additional courses. It's not worth it to have your own.

I hope all goes well with IVF, there is a board for IVF where you'll find tonnes of support x

First, it is ultimately your choice - while he has a say, he should support your position.

That said, unless you are willing to delay IVF, I agree with him. If you get pregnant or if the IVF does not take you will be out of that job soon in any case, and you get maternity benefits.

There is a decent chance a new job will be just as stressful, but without the benefits.

Be open in the recruitment process that you are undergoing IVF and that if you are very very lucky there might be a need for mat leave soon.

Why? This is terrible advice. Do not allow companies to discriminate against you because you are having a baby.

Really tough, I don't think either or you are in the wrong here but you do have to consider your finances if you weren't able to qualify for maternity leave/pay in your new role?
In some ways the devil you know is easier to manage especially with the hecticness of having a new born etc. and prior to that, I know that my 2 friends who had IVF really struggled with the side effects and one quit her job as she couldn't cope and the other had to take a lot of sick leave, so the flexibility and good will in your current job where you are established might be helpful too.
But also, you hate your job and there is rarely actually the perfect time to move anyway, so there's no right answer really.