DH adamant I should stay in job I hate. Who is BU?

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I've been in my current job for 2yrs and have grown to hate it. I’m in a specialist senior role but underpaid vs what I could get elsewhere, and told no increase possible due to company’s finances. I have good flexibility and work remotely, but the job is stressful. There aren’t enough staff to cover all specialisms, so I’m constantly overloaded with work outside my scope.

We’re starting IVF at the end of February, so I really want start looking elsewhere ASAP. My concern is being stuck in my current role during the treatment then the pregnancy, which would mean another year (minimum) in this job until mat leave. While the mat pay is enhanced, it's not great either.

DH, however, thinks now is the worst time to switch jobs. He’s adamant I should stay for the flexibility with IVF appointments and avoid the stress of a new job right as I’m starting treatment, and focus on my priority of starting a family, plus I might miss out on mat pay in a new role, if IVF works quickly.

WWYD? Would love to hear others views as I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I not only asked my husband to leave one job because it wasn't compatible with family life, I asked him not to leave his current one unless his new job could offer a substantial pay rise.

His former role was too busy and inflexible. His current role is boring without means to progress.

He only partially agreed (going only for roles 25k+ increase), before he took SPL. Two months of caring for our son, he said that I was right - he wouldn't be up for taking the strain and the risk of job hunt and sacrificing his time with our baby by the flexibility of his current post.

You do have to make sacrifices for a baby. Not just in getting them here.

I would stay put for now but find a way to reduce the stress - most employers have a minimum period before you qualify for proper maternity benefits you also have the legal protections after 2 years if at any point while you are off there’s any restructures etc

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Having had one failed IVF attempt I saw a good job opportunity and went for it. My dissatisfaction with my old job was contributing to the feeling of being 'stuck' that not being able to get pregnant was giving me and adding to a negative mindset.

I started another IVF round 3 months after starting my new job. I managed to navigate appointments (this was long before hybrid working!) and told my boss I was having a medical procedure without giving details, no questions were asked. As we'd had to go private the appointments were generally early in the morning and we had some choice on times.

The treatment was successful and I ended up going on mat leave a year to the day after I started the job. Everyone was fine about it and no one appeared to put two and two together. I ended up staying in the job for 12 years!

Wishing you the best of luck. I do think making positive changes in areas of your life you can control is a very good thing when going through the pain of fertility treatment. In your case it's just thinking about timing as I think starting treatment much less than 3 months after starting a new job might be too stressful.

Sorry haven’t read all app but personally, I think happiness at work is vital.
If you are planning on going back to work once you have a child / children, liking your job makes life so much more bearable - it can be an escape from stressful times at home, allow you to feel valuable and appreciated when home feels like a drudge, and also makes leaving your children more bearable - because let’s face it, life and parenting is a mixture of all types of emotions and who needs hating their job added into the mix? I would look around, OP, and see what opportunities are out there for you.

Personally I would stay for the protection your current role offers. Although I do understand both sides.

Whatever you do don’t do what some PP said and go to interview saying you are doing ivf and going to get pregnant and go on Mat leave etc.

If you plan on having a child you need to work as a team. His argument makes a lot of sense, but if you are highly stressed in your current job that may affect your chances of success. You need to figure out what you can afford - could you save up and then take a break from work while you gave Ivf?

If it were me I'd stick it out and see the current job as a means to an end. I'd be able to do that and not find it stressful if I knew I was going to be leaving after maternity leave, but that's my personality. If you know that you'd find that very stressful, then it's a different situation. Your DH makes some valid points, but only you can really predict how you're going to feel.

I started a new job and did a round of IVF a month later. I navigated it by telling my new boss in advance of starting that it would be happening, and my new employer was really supportive. I wasn't ever going to delay the IVF for work purposes, so just needed to be up front and go ahead with it.
I was also in the position of not enjoying my previous job and planning IVF when I made the move, and it was 100% the right one for me - you shouldn't feel tied to a job you hate, you spend too much of your life there for that!
Hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do.

Thank you everyone. Certainly lots to think about and great to hear some different perspectives.

The job market is awful so it may be academic anyway.

Your dh is right. All jobs are shit. I'd focus my efforts on advocating for yourself a bit more at work, job crafting and delegation.

Your heading should really read, my husband thinks I would be foolish to give up my chance of maternity leave and to start a new job just as I'm starting IVF.

This.

You may find a job you like with equal flexibility.

You don't know whether IVF will work first go but it's reasonable to think you will have a much better chance of you are not stressed.

Not sure what industry you work in but some are offering day one paid parental leave, and even before we introduced that we made exceptions for really good senior female candidates to agree to pay the enhanced maternity pay without the one year qualification requirement. This is an industry lacking in female leaders though and is doing all it can to increase the numbers.

Having done IVF a number of times, my logic is, always make decisions on the basis that it won't work because if it does and you're in a less than ideal position, you can always make it work. If it doesn't work, and you've made life plans around it working, it really sucks. I'd look for a new job. Also, I wouldn't put off IVF, it always takes longer than you expect.

If you can find a job that pays you better you can save up some of the difference from lost maternity pay, and you'll make it back in the long term.

I'm with your husband I'm afraid. The actual IVF process (I've done it 4 times!) involves a lot of appointments, many of which you don't have control over the timings. A fair bit of good will is needed from work. Plus if you move jobs now and your IVF works, will you have been in your job for long enough to have maternity leave?

Remember that it’s not just staying until taking maternity pay, you also have to stay for a time period after maternity pay or you legally have to refund the company for the enhanced part of it. This time period will be in your contract.

Stress isn’t good for you or the baby while pregnant so for health reasons I would be looking at a new job. But the answer really depends on whether your husbands salary is enough when you are on statutory maternity pay and how much he is willing to shoulder the financial responsibilities.

I think he's right in this case.
Starting another job is a huge unknown. It could be even worse, more stressful and less flexible.
You'd be better off sticking with it.

OR you hang fire with the IVF and get a new job now and then after a year or so begin the IVF, but I suspect the IVF is more of a priority for you and it's important to start it as soon as you can.

There's going to have to be a compromise here.