To be having second thoughts about DS staying over at grandparents?

[supertatovsevilpea]

Have a funeral this week, and it is not local (some three hours away.)

I have two children who are three (4 in December) and 15 months. Originally my plan was to have DS(3) stay over with PIL overnight while I drive to funeral location with DD(15 months) then come back the following day. But it means DS would be with PIL overnight then all the following day.

It feels like a lot for them both to be honest. I’m wondering if it might be best to bite the bullet and take both kids with me?

No. I wanted to have a think. I seriously wonder about people’s reading comprehension when I see posts like this as I’ve already said I’ll be sticking to the original plan (probably with a lot of TV and smarties!)

Why are people asking about the DH when OP has already answered that question?
He's out of the country, so no need for the snark @LoftLaughLoads

Fair enough. (a) yanbu at all. Unless they are total narcissists they will recognise that this is exactly the kind of situation where it's reasonable for grandparents to step in. (b) given that emergencies are generally unpredictable and funerals are actually one of the easiest kind to cope with as you usually get at least a week's notice, it's entirely rational to expect them to occasionally look after DC when it's not an emergency so that they are familiar and trusted in the DC's perception.

When your 2nd DC was born 15 months ago what happened with your then-1yo while you were in labour?

Coz they have not RTFT

@LoftLaughLoads it was a planned section. DS was at nursery on the day I had her, DH picked him up and had him overnight. I was only in for one night.

That post hadn't been posted when I was writing mine @saraclara - I did check everything the OP had written up to that point.

Why be nasty? Every post you put an excuse up to confirm you don't want to do it so you didn't sound like you needed an opinion just assent.

Kids tend to behave very differently for grandparents and strangers. My friend had a little boy who was a complete terror. One day she asked me to stay over as she had an interview early in the morning and needed someone to watch him for half a day. He was as good as gold for me. As soon as she walked through the door, the tantrums resumed.
I am sure it's going to be just fine, especially if you say he is normally OK at the nursery for a day.

We would jump at the chance to spend time with our 4 year old DGS. We have never been allowed to be with him without one of his DPs present and have no idea why.

He's probably ND, but we'd just suck it up and get on with it.

I wouldn't. It's a big thing to do to a toddler that only sees grandparents a couple times per year, in a different home, in a different bed, without his parents.

I wouldn't do it to him personally. Or if you really want to, make sure you build up to it by having a few nights there beforehand where you're nearby if needed.

I would also be worried that seventy year olds might not be as clued up or switched on regarding child safety, I've seen it many times where they're loving grandparents and mean well but just have no idea about simple things like slicing grapes, making sure the front door is locked etc., are they really going to be happy up at all hours with a toddler that's screaming for mummy/daddy?

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. This is very different to a child that has spent a night at granddad's house every Friday since 8wk.

Why don't grandparents stay at your house then your DC has lots of toys and familiarity around them?
PIL may find it a bit much but it's a one off.
We look after our GC regularly and it can be exhausting but the joy they bring outweighs all that.
Look at the positives and the happiness.

I will go against the grain and say it does sound too much for both sides. A day, overnight and full day next day might be too much for IL as well as your ds if he is upset. Is it not an option to get a babysitter travel with you. If IL have always been reluctant then a sudden amount of time like this seems a bit much.

It depends on your parents, their health and if they’re happy/want to. My mum’s grandchildren range from my brother’s 2 year old to 28 so she’s had years of having little kids overnight . She’s 76 now and my dad is 80, they love having the younger ones to stay every now and then and my mum is perfectly able to look after them and enjoys it.

I've looked after grandchildren overnight from very young babies (medical emergency).

I have sleepovers with up to six of them every Friday depending on who wants to come. They now range from 2-8 years old.

You can't plan for what is going to happen during that time. I have taken children home in the middle of the night when they've not settled/been upset - one daughter lives an hour away.

When I've looked after them when a parent is away for a night and they've become upset and want mummy we've had to just comfort them until they fall asleep - there's no reasoning with a screaming 3 year old if they desperately want their mummy. An hour and a half screaming is the most I've had at bedtime.

I don't know whether it's better to prepare a child well in advance of a sleepover and get them used to the thought of staying over or otherwise impromptu where you say 'what a lucky boy/girl you are, you're having a sleepover tonight and it'll be really fun' so they haven't got too much time to dwell on it.

All six of the grandchildren have had their moments when they've had second thoughts about it at some point - the oldest grandchild, who started having sleepovers when she was 2, hasn't missed a week since she was three.

Our 2/3 year olds have been to a funeral and they behaved impeccably during the service - had loads of fun afterwards with relatives who they'd never met before.

I don’t think that was nasty at all. I haven’t been making excuses, I’ve been answering poeples questions

It is perfectly reasonable to reply ‘because they don’t want to’ when people ask why he hadn’t stayed there before.

As long as the grandparents are happy to have DS there is no reason not for him to stay.

Your DS may wear them out but they'll have rest of the year to recover assuming they no longer work

I agree - I’m just not totally sure they are happy to be honest. I think some people are answering as if PIL are desperate to care for their grandchildren and I’m an over anxious mother preventing this.

If they don't want to that's fair enough, but my MIL is 78 and has our five year old overnight occasionally. She does find it hard work but enjoys it.

Could you tweak your planning to give yourself less time away? It would be tiring to do the drive in one day, but it could be manageable and mean you have more peace of mind? 3 hours each way, max 4.5 hours for a funeral, an hours break added onto each the journey for your toddler, is still only just over 12 hours . . .

I did think about doing it in one day but I think it would just be unmanageable for DD. Plus, he’d still have a loooong day with PIL (for them!)

Personally I wouldn't take my two young children to a funeral, I would worry they would be too disruptive and I'd have to step out anyway. I think in your situation I would have to send my apologies and not go to the funeral.

DD would sleep in the car, and your pil would cope a lot better for the day with a good night's sleep behind them.

But if you can't see how to do it in a day then it looks like you either risk the 24 hour plus stay for your ds, or send your apologies to the funeral. Best of luck.

Not for six to eight hours!

I really do think your DS & PIL will be fine, OP. And even if things don't go swimmingly, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

My mother is 70 and had my 2 year old from 3pm Sunday - 5.30pm Monday - she was tired by her own admission but enjoyed games and baking with him and generally loving being a grandparent. He also slept better than at home, although was up until 9pm.
She has my 5yo more often as she's a crafter and sits down a lot more 😂
She won't have both at the same time over night (which is absolutely fine) but she'll baby sit at our house if we've needed to go to a birthday/wedding etc.

I think they'll be absolutely fine, don't worry it's one night. Worst case he's up all night - I'm sure they'll catch up with sleep.