To be having second thoughts about DS staying over at grandparents?

[supertatovsevilpea]

Have a funeral this week, and it is not local (some three hours away.)

I have two children who are three (4 in December) and 15 months. Originally my plan was to have DS(3) stay over with PIL overnight while I drive to funeral location with DD(15 months) then come back the following day. But it means DS would be with PIL overnight then all the following day.

It feels like a lot for them both to be honest. I’m wondering if it might be best to bite the bullet and take both kids with me?

@PullTheBricksDown - I know, but what can I do? All I can do is sit at the back and have (quiet) toys and step out if she gets disruptive.

My nan had my dc when they were toddlers and she was in her late 70s. If they've offered then in sure they'll be ok.

Tbh i'd not be going to the funeral. Is it one of your PILs?

I would obviously trust them to be responsible
You obviously trust them for the important stuff without even questioning it. So, you need to let yourself trust them to do the right thing for the less important stuff too. It might not be exactly how you'd deal with it, but it doesn't mean it's wrong. I suspect it's nerves at leaving him for the first time and emotions in overdrive.

If you genuinely thought it was a bad idea, you'd never have considered it an option in the first place.

I do @Redragonoteal . Just feel guilty it’s a lot for them as well as DS! But my concern is more for them!

OP, please ignore the judgey comments.

He'll be fine, your parents will be fine and your baby will be fine at the funeral.

I think you will be surprised how well it will be. He is nearly 4. Prime age for living it up at the grandparents.

I'd beg to differ, it's got to be 7, aka the age my niece is now, she gets away with murder! 🤣🤣

Unfortunately lots of people are still working into their 70s . Unless your parents are doddery they will be fine . Your son will probably be spoilt but it’s a good opportunity for them to spend some time together.

Imagine if it goes well. It’ll open up so much for their relationship & means you get to make some plans. It’s natural to worry but they’ve done it before with their own kids. They won’t have forgotten. Hope the service goes well.

This is why it’s not healthy for children to never stay away from their parents.. in situations like this that are already a bit stressful, you’ve got the extra stress of not knowing how he’ll be because he’s never stayed the night! My little one has stayed overnight with my parents/MIL since he was 12 weeks old and he absolutely loves spending time with his grandparents without us 😂 let them both stay over I’m sure they’ll be absolutely fine.

There’s nothing unhealthy about DS. I don’t think we need to be hiring people for him to sleep over with just in case of an eventuality like this! He’s fine at preschool/ nursery but a full day and night is a lot, for them not him

Again, I do this regularly as someone close to their age, and I'm widowed so on my own. Having a second person to tag team with me on sleepovers and childcare days sounds like pure luxury to me!

Well, we’re all different @saraclara

There is a difference in GPs reluctantly agreeing to do something in an emergency sort of situation as a one off and GPs who regularly provide care. PIL are lovely and enjoy seeing the grandchildren but I don’t think they have any desire to make it a regular occurrence and I think they will find it a lot.

Where’s your DH in all this?

The best option surely would be for DH to take the time off work and stay home with both the children.

And while I appreciate that you say that DD only wants you when she wakes, she and he need to learn to deal with what it’s like if you’re not there. Because it could happen that you’re not there one day for reasons outside your control.

I appreciate not wanting to put that on the grandparents, but there’s no reason why your DH shouldn’t be able to cope with it.

I don’t agree that it’s not healthy to let the kids stay away overnight, it’s not wrong to do so, but it’s not wrong not to either.

@AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime out of the country unfortunately.

There's no point in asking us, if it comes down to you thinking that only you know whether they're up to this and want to do it.

But if you don't have your DH with you, I'm not sure how you can wrangle both children of those ages at a funeral.

There is a point, if only to muse things over out loud as it were. DS is pretty good and would probably sit with a toy or book but it is true wrangling both of them would be tricky at best.

Can one of the GP go with you on the trip with both DC and then take the DC for the time of the funeral for a couple of hours?

They will be fine with him I think it's a shame he hasn't had a sleepover before because you wouldn't feel so bad.

Where is the children's father in this? Is he far too patriarchal and important to be bothered with such petty things? Or is he coming to the funeral too?

If this was me I would arrange to stay the previous night there with both DC (Or would get DH to stay there with just 3yo) so that the first night in a strange place for 3yo was with a parent nearby. It would then be much more likely that the 3yo will be settled and happy for the important bit when there was no parent nearby.

We had our first attempt at DS having an overnight with grandma at age 2y4m and it wasn't a great success as he couldn't cope with both the strange location and the lack of mummy. I was only half an hour away (at a party) and was able to pop back. We tried again a couple of months later and it was fine, and has grown over the years to being something the GPs want to happen for a couple of nights once or twice a year just to have some quality time together.

They don’t want to @jannier . They are only agreeing to do so because it’s an emergency sort of situation.

I feel I have to defend myself a bit here because come on - imagine that AIBU? AIBU to expect PIL to have their grandchildren overnight even though they don’t want to?

So you don't want reassurance you want everyone to say don't do it?

If you have PIL, do you not have a DH who could look after the children? Take some annual leave maybe?

Could you send your apologies for not attending the funeral of it's causing you so much anxiety?