AIBU to think maybe some people just like this... or is it me??

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

I find getting dressed weirdly challenging. Same for showering. Same for brushing my teeth. Sometimes I'm late because of putting these routines off. I often put them off so long I then tell myself I have got time and skip them, or make myself late. Sometimes I even lock the door and pretend to shower but can't get in. Wider routines like moisturising or stretching feel beyond me.

I find shopping for clothes really hard, and I have barely anything that fits me and everything is ancient and bobbled and sometimes too small, pre-baby (4 years ago). Finding clothes I like that are comfortable (paramount!) is hard, as well as the sort of emotional effort of it all (don't love looking in the mirror, thinking about myself). I need new glasses - 2 years ago my prescription changed and I haven't got myself any new glasses yet. My winter boots (had them years) have got a hole in... they were leaking last winter. I always need to go to the hairdressers, but I hate that and put it off.

I feel like I'm a disgusting person as sometimes I don't clean myself for 2 days. Outwardly, I'm a professional mother, but I feel dirty and horrible and disorganised and a mess inside. I think my husband sees bits of it and I feel ashamed. It used to be easier to "hide" but as I get older and my body needs more maintaining, I feel like I look awful as well as being internally awful.

Is anyone else like this, can you relate? My kids are clean and have everything they need, my house is clean, I work a professional job. It's like a secret shame.

There is an inattentive type.. and typically, females present differently to males.
I always thought ADHD was hyper-active boys being a pain all the time... so you are not alone in subscribing to the old stereotypes.
A lot of of women get diagnosed around peri-menopause age, as things can get really difficult then.

Oh and I'm 37 and only got diagnosed with both of these last year. Back then, I'd have likely yelled at you if you'd said I had either as I wasn't the standard stereotypical presentation of either.

I had close relatives who were the classic hyperactive boys too which did cloud my judgement a bit. You may not be of course, but probably worth looking into. Seems like an executive function / task paralysis thing to me.

I resonated so hard when I really started understanding what ADHD (and autism) really is instead of what I thought it was. But I still don't tick every box despite scoring extremely high - for example bad attention to detail and making mistakes I am the polar opposite of this. I'm also more autistic in my presentation in large social situations so not the 'look at me' dramatic one which I wrongly assumed was how every ADHD person was based on my previous experiences. It was a real eye opener when I really went down that rabbit hole.

Do you hyperfocus on things? Can you be all or nothing? would you say you feel RSD really strongly? So many things to ask but I really think you should take a look into it 😊 it's changed my life finally understanding why I am the way I am and why I've struggled with certsin things!

Eyes are your priority OP.
Do the eye test.

Don't worry about the rest.

@Ihaveneedofwaternear ADHD doesn't always present as chaotic or impulsive particularly in women, it is fairly genetic so if you have anyone in your family with it then it's more likely. In women ADHD and autism were often diagnosed as other things depending on the prevailing trait whether that be an Eating Disorder, Bipolar, anxiety etc so there is no guarantee you would know and is why so many women are getting diagnosed now, as awareness increases and stigma from "Naughty boy syndrome" which it is not, decrease
When you look into it you don't have to go for any sort of assessment but try the recommended coping strategies.

There is an English social media couple called ADHDlove I think and they make some great content about living with it

The thing with adjustments whether at school, work or home is that what helps those that are ND also benefits others so there is no harm in trying techniques.

You might want to have a little look at Demand Avoidance and Rejection Sensitivity too which often go hand in hand.

A question about recreational drugs - I have tried MDMA twice - once was in a night club and I actually had to lie down and have a sleep with my head virtually in a speaker. That's not normal is it?

I have tried it too, and also speed and coke. Did nothing for me at all.

A few things. Yes I'm like this. But I wonder how much of it is in my head. I grew up in a messy house and subsequently, always feel like a messy person. Also, I have depression and I am sure something neurodivergent. To combat this I try to make things easier. I get my clothes out the night before so I can shower in the morning without the stress of working out what to wear (while standing there cold and naked). I always wear perfume so I feel like I smell nicer. I have everything I need for a quick face put together (mascara, concealer and foundation) aster I've got dressed. It's not easy but I try and find ways to make it easier. There's a lot to be said for just being exhausted too.

Some of this I really identify with. I haven't 'done' my hair in decades - never dry it. I ordered professional scissors and now cut my own hair using you-tube videos. I could sing and dance with the joy of knowing I may never go to the hair dressers again. I don't wear make up - never have. I think it's a weird practice. Shower and hair wash every morning though - in fact I can't face the day otherwise. Face cream. Love perfume - like pp - that's my one pleasure. I definitely have a touch of ADHD. Task avoidance reigns if I'm WFH - try to be ready by lunch.

I thought it was just me…

The solidarity I feel from this thread has been really, really helpful. Just hearing everyone else say they struggle with elements of this normalises it so much.

I've never acknowledged this before but I'm exactly the same re showering, dressing. Tasks others " just do"
I had a wet room fitted as I'm disabled
It's amazing and it should make a massive difference to my life... but I still keep putting it off
I definitely have executive function problems and struggle to actually start any task but after reading about coffee being soporific to a PP... That's me too

I get what you mean in some ways. First thing in the morning, a shower is the last thing I want to do — and so I only shower at night, before bed, and moisturise after that. Take the pressure off yourself and find whatever feels natural and more easy and go with that

Is it the list of jobs? You mentioned routines. I think this can get repetitive and also overwhelming if you need to do this in a certain way every time. It could be adhd because there are a few poster on TikTok that mention this exact issue. There are apps that can help with prompts so it's not so mentally challenging.

Try to treat it like self care rather than maintenance

Try dry shampoo OP

I do it all but I hate it because it's such a waste of time and effort.

i also hate showers and taking my clothes off. I hate feeling cold and damp too. As you age, its so much harder to make yourself presentable, mainly due to skin not being lovely anymore.

i think back fondly to when i was a child and i could just get up, get dressed and go out. No faffing.

It's so comforting to read it's not uncommon to hate getting ready! I thought everyone would be telling OP she must be depressed or whatever. I bloody hate getting ready for the day. Hate getting myself through the bathroom, never know what to wear, hate the hairdressers, have too many clothes that don't fit. To be fair, I feel better once I'm cleaned up and presentable but it's such an effort, wish there was just a button you could press and it was all done instantaneously.

Honestly, this thread has been a revelation. I've felt like this all my adult life and would never have believed that so many others could identify!
I hate getting ready so much, especially taking a shower and a spa day truly would be my idea of torture.
Hate the hairdressers, clothes shopping, any sort of beauty treatment. Just no.
It's interesting though, that even a couple of generations back, there wouldn't have been this emphasis of being super clean and well turned out every single day. Obviously I wouldn't want to go back to those days of the weekly bath etc, but I'd love to be able to get up and start the day without it taking so long.

I was once given a spa day voucher as a present and asked them to return it. My absolute idea of hell.

Sounds you’re in a freeze state, from a fight, flight or freeze reaction to trauma. If there’s any childhood abuse involved try some kind of trauma therapy

What, all of us?

Maybe we can get a group discount.

When you wrote this:
Finding clothes I like that are comfortable (paramount!) is hard
It suggested to me you might have some sensory issues, which would fit into being ND. Most people can wear most things and not think too much about it.

Both my mum and my sister wear jeans all day long. Whereas for me, the very idea of doing that makes me feel stressed! I can't fathom how that can be comfortable. I have outdoor clothes and indoor clothes and as soon as I come home I have to throw off my outdoor clothes and put on something soft and comfy.

Likewise putting off important appointments, like the opticians, I'm the same. But it's one thing to skip something like a haircut, which won't affect your health but your eyesight is important.

OP, are you chaotic inside your mind? Songs or words stuck in your head? Do you fidget tap feet play with your hair pick your nails. Do you have constant self talk? Are you on top of paperwork and lifemin? Do you run vv low on fuel, food, clean pants, medication? That's internal "chaos"

No one has "a touch of adhd". Would someone have "a touch of cancer" or "a touch of Parkinson's" or "a touch of blindness"?

I've actually given up on dating, as I couldn't be bothered getting spruced up on my precious weekends.
If I die alone, so be it