Am I the worst MIL?

[TodayandThursday]

My DS, has been married for 7 years to a lovely lady. She and I get on well enough, go out for meals and evenings out 2-3 times a year just the 2 of us.

She's great for my son and they seem to adore each other. My son is hard work and she's amazing what she puts up with. I mean nothing bad, but he's disorganised and I'm pretty sure she does all the life admin.

Anyway nothing to do with me as long as they're happy, which they seem to be! They've invited me on holiday with them before so we all definitely get on well.

I've read the MIL threads on here and have listened and learned :)

Anyway I've given you all this boring stuff to show there is no awful backstory.

Right so here's my AIBU. I expect to get my ass handed to me on a plate but here goes.

AIBU to not go to my son's birthday meal.His lovely wife has invited me out to a meal to celebrate my son's birthday, BUT all her family will be there too.

I have nothing against her family they're lovely sweet people, but just not my "cup of tea". I really don't want to go.

I'll have to travel 3 hours there and back, pay money I don't have, for a meal I don't want to sit with 10 people (not including son and DIL) who I'd have to make boring small talk with.

As you can probably tell I'm post menopausal and making boring small talk is my worst nightmare.

I'd rather just have a meal another day with DIL and son. To be honest I'd rather have meal with just me and son, but that will never happen.

So am I being unreasonable not to go?

• yes totally unreasonable, suck it up, it's only once a year.

• no not unreasonable, make your excuses and arrange another meal with your son and DIL.

For a not significant birthday, I’d say you’re fine not to wish to travel that far.

How will DS feel about you not going though is the main question? Seeing them for a meal with just the 3 of you also presumably puts the burden on them to travel at least halfway.

I doubt this is the whole story. OP says her DIL organises everything (note the emphasis in bold). She'd prefer to see her son alone. Son has become a "pathetic man baby".

No, 3 hours is pretty far for a meal. You sound thoughtful and not at all a nightmare MIL!

I think because it’s your sons birthday, you should go.
If it was DILs birthday I think you would be fine to swerve it in the circumstances, but I wouldn’t want to miss my sons birthday just because there were others there that I didn’t particularly like and it was a bit far away. If you swerve this birthday celebration with the excuse of distance/other guests you might find you aren’t invited again as they will assume the same reasons stand in future.

Agree there is more going on as it's not that uncommon for DWs to take the lead in organising a couples social life and OP seems very prickly about it.

I suspect the truth is that DH prefers the company of his outgoing sociable clan of ILs, plus as it's his DWs family he doesn't have to organise anything so win-win.

I don't think you have to go but you can't expect them to do a seperate meal just for you. Is there any chance they might be hoping to accounce something with everyone there?

No, you are fine.

That sounds very draining.

Since it's his birthday I think saying yes is the better option, but let him know separately afterwards just how draining you found it all and that next time you'd prefer a separate meal just you and him or you and him and her.

That way you don't run the risk of DIL thinning it worked out so well that she'll invite you for more joint family events, if that's not what you want.

A birthday is the one time in a year it is about the person who’s birthday it is, it’s not about whether you would rather not do the journey or chat to people you wouldn’t normally like to. It’s about showing up for your son & showing him with actions that you love him. My MIL never makes much of a fuss for my husbands birthdays and i handle the quiet disappointment he feels, he would never tell her. I make extra effort to organise things so he feels celebrated.

I think you should go. It’s about your son.

Yanbu!

Oooo this is my post and didn't update! Sorry!

I text DIL and apologised and said I couldn't make it.

Son text back a few hours later "Aww mum you can't make my birthday"

So took the mumsnet bashing on the chin and had a rethink. I sold it to myself as "the things we do for our kids".

I mean who actually likes holding a birthday party in a soft play area? I did all this and more when he was growing up for his birthday, so needed to have similar mindset now he was older. So wobbled my head and went to the meal.

It was ok and he was delighted I was there.

So, lesson learned!

Funnily enough he did invite me to Boxing Day Dinner with all the family (DIL's family) which is unbelievably kind and I'm an unbelievable cow, but I did decline that. Once a year is enough.

So not lesson learned at all then? 🤣

I am so so glad that my parents and in laws are adult enough to spend the odd meal together. I guess our parents feel that we're worth spending time with, even if they do need to 'tolerate' my DH and I's extended family and socialise together! Ouchie!

Oh dear sounds like dil and her family are trying to welcome you in likely for your son.

You say her family are not yours and nothing to do with you. Imagine if dil took that attitude to you.

You son runs all plans by his wife he wants her there when he meet you, he wants you at his big family events. But you don’t want other peoples family there.

There may be no grandchildren now, but watch out for those burnt bridges in the future. When her family host Christmas and don’t invite you because you’ve turned down all there offers prior as they where not good enough for you, don’t act all hurt or sad that your grandchild spends all this time with her family not you.

Be that strong independent single mum… not sure of the relevance by this stage though adult married child.

I’ve never had in-laws socialise like that even with children / their grandchildren in the mix. Not everyone wants to play big happy mixed families. It doesn’t mean you’re an arsehole. It sounds like you have quite a full life already.