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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the worst MIL?

89 replies

TodayandThursday · 07/10/2024 06:04

My DS, has been married for 7 years to a lovely lady. She and I get on well enough, go out for meals and evenings out 2-3 times a year just the 2 of us.

She's great for my son and they seem to adore each other. My son is hard work and she's amazing what she puts up with. I mean nothing bad, but he's disorganised and I'm pretty sure she does all the life admin.

Anyway nothing to do with me as long as they're happy, which they seem to be! They've invited me on holiday with them before so we all definitely get on well.

I've read the MIL threads on here and have listened and learned :)

Anyway I've given you all this boring stuff to show there is no awful backstory.

Right so here's my AIBU. I expect to get my ass handed to me on a plate but here goes.

AIBU to not go to my son's birthday meal.His lovely wife has invited me out to a meal to celebrate my son's birthday, BUT all her family will be there too.

I have nothing against her family they're lovely sweet people, but just not my "cup of tea". I really don't want to go.

I'll have to travel 3 hours there and back, pay money I don't have, for a meal I don't want to sit with 10 people (not including son and DIL) who I'd have to make boring small talk with.

As you can probably tell I'm post menopausal and making boring small talk is my worst nightmare.

I'd rather just have a meal another day with DIL and son. To be honest I'd rather have meal with just me and son, but that will never happen.

So am I being unreasonable not to go?

  • yes totally unreasonable, suck it up, it's only once a year.
  • no not unreasonable, make your excuses and arrange another meal with your son and DIL.
OP posts:
TorroFerney · 07/10/2024 12:18

I think it's a bit poor to not go to your son's birthday celebration to be honest. If the in laws were awful and rude and mean then 100% don't go but if they are just not your type then I think once a year some effort is required. I do have a mother that makes very little effort though and I do all the running which will be clouding my judgment of course!

It's interesting that you say am I the worst MIL - this is about you as a mother not going to your sons birthday celebration not you as a MIL as it's not your DIL's birthday I would suggest so it's an odd title. If i was one of the party who did go and was judging you for not turning up I would judge you as a mother not MIL.

Daniki · 07/10/2024 12:24

I think the drive alone makes you definitely not unreasonable! Just say you will happily organise something with just yourselves at a date and place closer to you, I doubt she will mind

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 07/10/2024 12:31

The ironic part is your poor dil may well think that you are not her cup of tea either but has to tolerate you for the sake of her dh... think about it.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/10/2024 12:32

The travel alone would be enough reason to say no if you feel you need a reason. I do think though if you can see SIL one to one you should be able to see your son one to one too. Personally I would have been quite happy for my then DH to sometimes see his parents just on his own. If I knew you lived that far away I certainly wouldn't be questioning you as a mother for not coming to dinner. No reason you can't celebrate at a different time, its a birthday not a wedding or you meeting their baby for the first time.

Laiste · 07/10/2024 12:35

I only have DDs, but 2 of them have other halves and i'm trying to put myself in your position.

If one of my DD's husbands had organised a meal for DD's birthday - and invited me and a big group of his family - would i go?

hmm

First i'm wondering - how come there isn't more on your side OP? How come just you and a big group of them? Are you an only child? Is your son an only? Has he no grandparents?

Secondly i'm thinking - how will a 'big birthday meal for the whole family' look if his mum doesn't turn up ? Bit sad.

I think i'd go.

I don't particularly like the parents of one of my DDs husbands, but I'd drive an hour and a half to show my face at my own DDs birthday meal.

Lastly - is it weird that he doesn't want to meet you alone? I don't know. My DH wouldn't want to meet his mum alone for a meal either. He loves her but he'd like us to go as a couple as a) travelling companion and b) his mum can talk the hind legs off a donkey and he goes off into a dream😂

scepticaldil · 07/10/2024 12:36

Perhaps a little irrelevant but just wondering why you can't see your son alone?
As in, what would happen if you text your son saying "do you fancy having dinner next Saturday, just us 2?" And if any questions asked you can always say you'd like 1-on-1 time with your child.

LeCygneNoir · 07/10/2024 12:44

I’m a bit confused why you’re approaching this as a MIL issue, when it’s a mum issue.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 12:45

I wouldn’t go either. Sounds awful.

DiamondGoldandSilver · 07/10/2024 12:46

I think it would be good for you to go. You will probably have a lovely time and it is good for families to spend time together. Do you think social anxiety could be driving this? If so, I would do my best to overcome those feelings because declining invitations can become a habit, and then socialising becomes much harder.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 12:55

The other guests aren’t OP’s family.

DiamondGoldandSilver · 07/10/2024 12:58

@MrsSkylerWhite yes they are family, through marriage. I would class them as extended family. They are all immediate family to the OP’s son and the dinner is for him and his family.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 12:59

I disagree. Love our SIL but his family aren’t ours.

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/10/2024 13:02

In your position, I'd go. Suck up the conversation from the dotty aunt, smile and try to build on your relationship with your son and DIL.
What's the worst that can happen? You'll have wasted 6 hours of your life trying to be involved in your son's birthday celebrations.
If money is an issue, can you talk to your son and DIL? Or borrow some? I'd rather spend my last £50 on seeing my child than anything else.
I'm sure they'd rather see you than not.
Surely better than be at home ruminating about what's going on....although you say you have plenty in your life. But this is important, isn't it?
Sometimes you have to do things for the greater good.
However, it's up to you.

rookiemere · 07/10/2024 13:06

With your update OP, I think the best thing is to do whatever you can do with the best grace.
If you decide not to go, then consider wording it like this "It's so kind of you to invite me along, but I hope you don't mind if I don't come as I am not the best with big groups, so let me take DS and you out for lunch next time I come through."

Be careful though, if it's a big family group who lives close and just you on your DSs side, this may be how it's going to be going forward. For everyone's sake, but mostly your own, it might be worth going along with an open mind and trying to get to know people.

loveulotslikejellytots · 07/10/2024 13:11

I think you're fine to decline. Regardless of anything else, the travel alone just for a meal would be a no from me. Whenever we do stuff (with my side of the family) my in laws are always invited. That's just who my parents are. But there is never any expectation on them to accept every time.

Flossiecotton · 07/10/2024 13:12

You have such a lovely relationship, similar to mine and my DiLs and SiLs. I would not hesitate to be truthful and ask her do you mind if I don’t come.

ABirdsEyeView · 07/10/2024 13:13

I think if you can manage to afford it, you should go. It doesn't look good to not go to your son's birthday meal. But you are not unreasonable to not want to go. If you do decide against it, be careful with the excuse you make.
I take it there's no chance of dil seeing this post?

I do think that your son needs to also make an effort to visit you, if you are the one going all the travelling. I think you couldn't expect him to not bring his wife if they are a couple who have limited time off and want to spend it together. I think talking on the phone and texting is an okay level of contact tbh. I know that parents and adult kids should see each other without a partner in tow all the time but sometimes it just doesn't pan out that way - don't inadvertently alienate the woman who tries to keep you involved. Unless you think she's actually controlling him rather than facilitating?

Newbie8918 · 07/10/2024 13:13

It seems like you're projecting some frustration onto your DIL and her family.

My MIL was the same. I did all of the life admin and arranging. She instigated that it was me being too forceful and 'preventing' them spending time together alone. I stopped facilitating meet ups and arranging stuff and guess what.....now they don't really see each other. MIL can be quite difficult and picky and DH finds it exhausting/better in small doses or group settings.

Also my parents never insist on seeing me alone and excluding DH. They enjoy spending time together.

Your DIL sounds lovely. Don't start to exclude yourself. I've seen how it ends.

C152 · 07/10/2024 13:16

Unless the cost would mean you literally couldn't afford a bill or your supermarket shopping, I think it would be unreasonable not to go. No one likes sitting with people they wouldn't ordinarily choose to and making inane small talk. But I think for a single evening, to celebrate your son's birthday, it's not too much to ask.

If you're close enough to your DIL, why not call her and say, thank you for inviting me to the celebration, but I'd really love to treat DS to a dinner just the two of us, as we don't get to spend much time together. Then ask her what date he's free and book it in!

OriginalUsername2 · 07/10/2024 13:17

I’d put on the social mask for this one. I can’t see a way out without looking like you’re snubbing her family.

Unless you’re comfortable saying “I can’t deal with that many people at once right now”. I could say this to my immediate family but I think the majority of people would be baffled because they love people, the more the merrier.

Ellie1015 · 07/10/2024 13:38

If your son is likely to be hurt and I could afford it I would go. If he won't mind and you can politely avoid it then absolutely do that and catch up another time.

AnxietyLevelMax · 07/10/2024 13:41

I mean…if you would have said “i cant afford to travel”….i guess i would understand it but you first said her family will be there and its not your “cup of tea”… not right.

six666 · 07/10/2024 13:42

In my opinion, you are definitely not being unreasonable!!

DinosaurMunch · 07/10/2024 13:44

I always think for those kinds of distances it's a bit of a waste to travel all that way to be part of a big party where you have to make small talk with people you barely know and don't spend much time with the ones you do know. Better to go another time and see the people you actually want to see. Assuming they want to see you too obviously!

I don't think anyone will mind if you decline, they probably only invited you to be polite.

Weird that other posters are projecting all this bad stuff about your relationship with your son and in laws!

DinosaurMunch · 07/10/2024 13:48

To be honest what adult man celebrates his birthday with his in-laws...not just parents but aunts uncles and all.. this in itself is a little strange.

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