Am I the worst MIL?

[TodayandThursday]

My DS, has been married for 7 years to a lovely lady. She and I get on well enough, go out for meals and evenings out 2-3 times a year just the 2 of us.

She's great for my son and they seem to adore each other. My son is hard work and she's amazing what she puts up with. I mean nothing bad, but he's disorganised and I'm pretty sure she does all the life admin.

Anyway nothing to do with me as long as they're happy, which they seem to be! They've invited me on holiday with them before so we all definitely get on well.

I've read the MIL threads on here and have listened and learned :)

Anyway I've given you all this boring stuff to show there is no awful backstory.

Right so here's my AIBU. I expect to get my ass handed to me on a plate but here goes.

AIBU to not go to my son's birthday meal.His lovely wife has invited me out to a meal to celebrate my son's birthday, BUT all her family will be there too.

I have nothing against her family they're lovely sweet people, but just not my "cup of tea". I really don't want to go.

I'll have to travel 3 hours there and back, pay money I don't have, for a meal I don't want to sit with 10 people (not including son and DIL) who I'd have to make boring small talk with.

As you can probably tell I'm post menopausal and making boring small talk is my worst nightmare.

I'd rather just have a meal another day with DIL and son. To be honest I'd rather have meal with just me and son, but that will never happen.

So am I being unreasonable not to go?

• yes totally unreasonable, suck it up, it's only once a year.

• no not unreasonable, make your excuses and arrange another meal with your son and DIL.

Ditto mine too. Passive aggressive and moody 😂🙄

Not unreasonable at all. My MIL sort of avoids my mother because they don’t quite click. I make separate plans with them and the relevant excuses to get out of this meal - can’t afford hotel, too far to drive and get home late, etc, etc.

There's quite a bit of barely hidden passive-aggressiveness in your posts towards her family (and her?) that says you wouldn't be very good company if you did go. Your son is pretty lousy at life's admin and if it wasn't for your DIL you'd rarely see him but you see that as her interfering and not facilitating. I'd swerve the evening meal, genuinely thank her for inviting you and give a plausible excuse (you're feeling a bit weary atm and wouldn't be very good company in a group?). Can he do the 3-hr round trip to see you on his own sometimes? It's easy to lose track of sons once they're married so time together is precious. As DIL has to organise him, perhaps involve her in getting him to pencil in a date and be honest with her - say you miss having 121 time with him. Good luck.

It's not clear from your posts what you believe is the reason that you're not seeing more of your son.

Is it because your son is completely useless/uninterested, and that you wouldn't see him at all if it wasn't for DIL arranging it? And that she would have no issue with you and DS meeting up alone if he showed any signs of being interested in doing this?

Or is it that she is controlling and putting up barriers to you spending time together on any terms other than the ones she dictates?

I suspect there is a whole backstory to this.

Yes, exactly. If you want to see him solo, phone him and suggest it, and stop projecting onto his wife and her family.

With your latest post as it's only 1.5 hrs each way, I'd make the effort and go, unless the cost of the meal would be prohibitive for you.

Your DIL is the one facilitating the relationship with your DS, who knows you might enjoy the lunch.

As someone usually says "it's an invitation not a summons".
I wouldn't make up an excuse either, and they'd be rude to press you for one. It doesn't work for me is good enough.

A) you like them.

That's completely different to this situation where the OP has said she really has nothing in common and doesn't really connect with them at all

Sounds like there are deeper issues. Why can't you just call your son directly and arrange an outing with him?

What does being menopausal have to do with one's ability to make small talk?

In your particular circumstances, I would plaster on a smile and go. I would just suck it up because your DIL is so lovely and for no other reason.

I think the travel is a lot, but the rest of it you're being totally unreasonable. And your little line about you'd rather have the meal with just your son doesn't sit well at all.

Actually just seen its not 3 hours there and 3 back, it's 1.5 each way. So I think you are being totally unreasonable yes.

Why do you have a meal just with your daughter in law a couple of times a year then say a meal just with your son will never happen?!

I wonder if your histrionic headline, obviously inviting the sought for response that, no, you’re not the worst MIL, might offer some insight into the dynamics here.

Is it really about your DIL?

Would a MN consensus that you’re not the worst MiL justify your feelings to yourself?

I agree.

Completely agree with all of this.

As so many others have said I believe @Savingthehedgehogs has it.

There is so much going on underneath this. However I am not sure of your willingness to think about that.
In short your DIL is your nexus to your son and it’s important you make an effort for a few hours. I doubt they are card-carrying fascists or violent criminals or some thing reasonable as a get-out. Not your cup of tea is NOT.

It's your son's birthday and your DIL has arranged a nice meal that includes you, so I'd go to be honest. It's once a year!
It sounds as if your DIL does an awful lot for your son and you'd probably see even less of him if it wasn't for her arranging everything.

I also agree with @Savingthehedgehogs.

It is your son's birthday. It is worth making the effort for.

I would:

Say to be honest, if I'm making the trip
I want to get quality time with two of you, would it be ok if we went out another time (my treat)?

And separately, maybe in a couple of months:

DiL, you know I love spending time with you both, but for a one off (for Christmas?), would you be able to set up a meal with just me and DS? I know you shouldn't have to, but you know what he's like and it won't happen otherwise

You sound like you two have a good relationship.

I assure you there is no back story and I'm definitely not being passive aggressive. If I did go I'd be chatty, happy and faking interest when listening her dotty Aunt talk about next door neighbour's niece, and smiling and interacting with various nieces and nephews, that aren't mine.

No I hold no grudge with DIL at all, she's a pleasant enough lady and she makes my son happy. Win win.

She doesn't, as such, facilitate my meeting my son, but if I suggest meeting he says he has to check with DIL first. Basically to see if they have anything else on. My son and I text regularly and talk on the phone regularly too.

I think some posters are reading too much into my OP. There's nothing to unpick! I work full-time have a busy and fulfilling social life, play my sport most weekends.

So I'm not some lonely old woman.

All I wanted to know was if I was unreasonable not to go to a birthday meal.

As for finding the term man child offensive, tough! He is!

He wasn't brought up that way but he's happy, she's happy, so fuck all to do with me how they live as husband and wife! It works for them.

It looks so far to be 50/50 on whether to go or not.

That was a prickly defensive post op. Why do you think your son avoids doing 121 meet ups with you? It’s easy enough to arrange, do you suspect your dil prevents them?

A good way to ruin the perfectly civil relationship you have with them, is to start to withdraw and cease making an effort for special occasions. It’s your son’s birthday, most mothers would love to be invited to a celebratory dinner.

Instead it is coming across that you can’t be bothered with it. A sullen indifference even. This dinner is not about you though, it’s about your son. How do you think he will feel?

If you can’t be bothered to see him on his birthday, despite being invited, then I think speaks volumes, at least to me, what kind of mother you are.

Your son is likely to feel hurt, your dil is likely to feel somewhat rejected as it was her idea to gather both sides of the family.

We are of similar age I suspect, so I don’t buy the time of life line, you are making a rod for your own back with this one, and you can’t be surprised if they too decide to stop their own efforts and your invitations dry up altogether.

Your last post is coming over as bitter, resentful and difficult, I would suggest you explore your feelings more carefully or you may ruin your closest relationships entirely.

I suspect you had an adoring son, as a single parent, and now he has moved on with his life it has left you with some feelings of loss op. Really it would benefit you to really think about why you don’t want to go, without judgement, and look at why you feel like you do.

Perhaps the 'pleasant enough lady' isn't actually bothered and has invited you because she loves your son and wants to make him happy?

Don’t go if you don’t want to, but then don’t come on here crying about how the (future) grandkids are so much closer to the other set of grandparents