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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to eat any more of DH’s “experimental” cooking

170 replies

Aydel · 06/10/2024 22:37

DH took early retirement, and I’m still working full time in a full on job with a long commute as we’re waiting for our home to be renovated.

I suggested that DH take on more of the housework and particularly cooking dinner. I have literally hundreds of cook books that he can use either to follow a recipe or for inspiration. He said he prefers to “experiment” according to what is in the fridge.

So far he has produced:

A sausage and lentil casserole that he decided to flavour with cinnamon sticks and cloves. It was vile and inedible and a waste of ingredients.

A dish of kidney beans cooked in tomato sauce. He cooked the dry beans directly in the sauce, without soaking them. They were hard and inedible, and potentially poisonous. I didn’t eat them.

Tonight he had made chicken in a Mexican chilli sauce with potato wedges and a salad. This had the potential to be nice but he decided to mix it all together in a sort of “salade tiède”, except the chicken and potatoes were too hot and the lettuce sort of melted and disappeared. And there was too much sauce, so it was a big sloppy mess.

I didn’t take tonight’s meal well. I’d been travelling for work and had been travelling all day. I told him it would have been fine if he had served everything separately but the big bowl of slop was a step too far. I said I was tired of his experimenting and all I wanted was a decent meal, and could he please just follow a recipe for once. He’s now retired, hurt, to lick his wounds, and is being huffy. I don’t think this is strategic incompetence so that I take back all the cooking, but how bloody difficult is it to produce an edible meal?

OP posts:
Kaybee50 · 07/10/2024 07:20

I’d definitely sign up for Hello Fresh or Gusto for a few weeks. They have some great deals on at the moment. We’ve been having Hello Fresh fortnightly for the last few months and it’s been a game changer.

Workhardcryharder · 07/10/2024 07:20

bananafishbones1 · 06/10/2024 22:55

I feel for you, when we were younger my husband has his experimental cooking years. I'd dread coming home from work on his day off to find how much money he'd wasted.

He once misunderstood Marsala for 'Masala' curry and totally ruined one meal. He added all sorts of random spices, dried up a Spanish casserole I'd been making by throwing in a ton of couscous. Gave himself food poisoning not browning mince before putting in a pasta sauce.

Then one Xmas he bought me Delia Smith how to cook book!

He ate raw mince? Surely the pasta sauce went cold? 🤢

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2024 07:23

I hate the waste of food, my DH is similar.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/10/2024 07:33

Buy him Tim Ferriss’ The 4 Hour Chef for Christmas.

It breaks down cooking and gives a few recipes but is more about how to learn a skill than how to cook. Interesting to read whether or not you want to learn how to cook.

PermanentTemporary · 07/10/2024 07:35

I do think there is a sexist element, or can be. My late dh mused begore starting that once he was a full time house husband that 'an hour a day should manage everything'. And he did mean everything- all laundry, shopping, cooking, pet care, cleaning, school admin... I have rarely felt angrier. He clearly didn't notice what I did, or didn't see much of it. I will do him the justice to say he changed his tune once he was actually doing it. And my face when he expected us to eat pasta with tomato puree stirred in... at least it wasn't experimental I suppose.

I'd start meal planning with him. He can experiment with baking maybe.

FinanceLPlates · 07/10/2024 07:37

l wonder if his recent retirement means that he now - perhaps unconsciously - looks for something he can take pride in. So rather than making a simple, functional meal he tries to produce something “special”. Casting himself as a creative culinary innovator is more glamorous than thinking that he’ll now pick up more of the household chores?

HomeTheatreSystem · 07/10/2024 07:39

This would give me the absolute rage. It's almost a 2 fingered salute to you for ruining his retirement by encroaching on his "pottering about" time. I don't get how he could knock out a few tasty edible staples before but have learned nothing about ingredients in the process. Raw beans??? Does he enjoy these vile offerings? Any sign he knows he's got it wrong or is he tucking into his boiled lettuce and crunching on his uncooked beans with great gusto?

Tell him there's to be no more experimenting and he's to follow the recipes in the cookbooks to the letter and please God to try and learn something in the process so that he can experiment in the future and deliver an edible meal in the process.

Alternatively, I agree that a meal delivery service would save you a lot of stress and you'd know it would be delicious.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 07/10/2024 07:45

Just say you appreciate he wants to experiment but that you'd love to have your favourites back and list the things you like.

Suggest he experiments when you are out or not going to be eating at home with him so only he tries it.

And he buys the 'experimental' ingredients!

foxglovesandharebells · 07/10/2024 07:45

Ask him to return to the much nicer recipes he used to make.

Then if he's interested in making cookery into a retirement project, ask if he'd like a specialist cookery course or two for Christmas. You can get some really interesting ones, online or in person.

FinanceLPlates · 07/10/2024 07:45

FinanceLPlates · 07/10/2024 07:37

l wonder if his recent retirement means that he now - perhaps unconsciously - looks for something he can take pride in. So rather than making a simple, functional meal he tries to produce something “special”. Casting himself as a creative culinary innovator is more glamorous than thinking that he’ll now pick up more of the household chores?

*subconsciously!

Beautiful3 · 07/10/2024 07:47

Just refuse to eat it every time he does this, and grab some toast. Tell everyone about his disgusting meals in front of him. It will soon stop!

historyismything82 · 07/10/2024 07:47

Aydel · 06/10/2024 22:37

DH took early retirement, and I’m still working full time in a full on job with a long commute as we’re waiting for our home to be renovated.

I suggested that DH take on more of the housework and particularly cooking dinner. I have literally hundreds of cook books that he can use either to follow a recipe or for inspiration. He said he prefers to “experiment” according to what is in the fridge.

So far he has produced:

A sausage and lentil casserole that he decided to flavour with cinnamon sticks and cloves. It was vile and inedible and a waste of ingredients.

A dish of kidney beans cooked in tomato sauce. He cooked the dry beans directly in the sauce, without soaking them. They were hard and inedible, and potentially poisonous. I didn’t eat them.

Tonight he had made chicken in a Mexican chilli sauce with potato wedges and a salad. This had the potential to be nice but he decided to mix it all together in a sort of “salade tiède”, except the chicken and potatoes were too hot and the lettuce sort of melted and disappeared. And there was too much sauce, so it was a big sloppy mess.

I didn’t take tonight’s meal well. I’d been travelling for work and had been travelling all day. I told him it would have been fine if he had served everything separately but the big bowl of slop was a step too far. I said I was tired of his experimenting and all I wanted was a decent meal, and could he please just follow a recipe for once. He’s now retired, hurt, to lick his wounds, and is being huffy. I don’t think this is strategic incompetence so that I take back all the cooking, but how bloody difficult is it to produce an edible meal?

Sounds awful. Surely, he knows that too? At least you told him and I'm sure he won't be huffy forever. For your sake, I hope he decides to pick up the cookery books and soon!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/10/2024 07:50

TBH it sounds like a sort of arrogance - he knows better that all these people who write cookery books - it’s his native ‘genius’ coming out, and you’re just not sophisticated enough to appreciate it!

My dh still doesn’t cook several years after retirement - but he clears up the kitchen perfectly. Suits me fine.

DadJoke · 07/10/2024 07:53

Do the Great British Menu judging on him:

Is the texture of the beans what you were aiming for?

Do you think the spice balance in this dish is right?

Are you happy with how the lettuce turned out?

How would you mark yourself out of 10?

Nicebloomers · 07/10/2024 07:57

WitcheryDivine · 06/10/2024 23:01

So many men seem to feel that recipes are beneath their dignity. Or that every meal is an exciting opportunity to show their prowess as a cutting edge culinary master.

I wish more of them would understand things like:

  • a quick delicious meal is a good meal
  • you probably need to make some cheap meals to balance out the ones where you use all the fancy ingredients
  • hungry people after a long day don't want you to do unnatural things to a chicken with cloves, they just want pasta and sauce probably

To give you some hope my husband is a reformed Fancy Mealer and now makes ordinary lovely meals like a pro. We may have had Some Talks along the way.

This- it’s some kind of male arrogance that they know better than hundreds of trained and published cooks/ chefs and expect you to pretend it’s delicious a la a primary school kid who has just produced some half baked fairy cakes.

Guys, just roast a chicken!

StopGo · 07/10/2024 08:21

Weapons grade strategic and dangerous incompetence. His passive aggressive protest at being expected to pull his weight in the home.

HoppityBun · 07/10/2024 08:23

foxglovesandharebells · 07/10/2024 07:45

Ask him to return to the much nicer recipes he used to make.

Then if he's interested in making cookery into a retirement project, ask if he'd like a specialist cookery course or two for Christmas. You can get some really interesting ones, online or in person.

Send him on a residential course. Alone. Make it a long one.

BunnyLake · 07/10/2024 08:41

Aydel · 06/10/2024 23:16

Just to be clear, he used to be a perfectly good cook, would make a roast, chilli, honey mustard chicken, decent pasta with sauce. It’s not like he’s never cooked. He just has the time to be experimental now.

What does he think of the taste of these slops? Does he actually even like the taste?

Maybe one weekend you should deliberately make something with clashing flavours and horrible textures and sit and watch him eat it?

charlieinthehaystack · 07/10/2024 08:43

Two ideas; could you treat him to a cooking day? maybe there might be something local or look on Red Letter Days etc
try a box service like Hello Fresh everyone raves about them cant afford myself but there seems to be quite a lot of ingredients

BunnyLake · 07/10/2024 08:43

StopGo · 07/10/2024 08:21

Weapons grade strategic and dangerous incompetence. His passive aggressive protest at being expected to pull his weight in the home.

Not necessarily. He might actually enjoy the cooking process, a lot of older, retired men do. He’s just being a typically arrogant someone who thinks they know best.

independencefreedom · 07/10/2024 08:45

WitcheryDivine · 06/10/2024 23:01

So many men seem to feel that recipes are beneath their dignity. Or that every meal is an exciting opportunity to show their prowess as a cutting edge culinary master.

I wish more of them would understand things like:

  • a quick delicious meal is a good meal
  • you probably need to make some cheap meals to balance out the ones where you use all the fancy ingredients
  • hungry people after a long day don't want you to do unnatural things to a chicken with cloves, they just want pasta and sauce probably

To give you some hope my husband is a reformed Fancy Mealer and now makes ordinary lovely meals like a pro. We may have had Some Talks along the way.

It's clearly a thing - I should have known! Maybe a bit like not asking for directions. My dh is the same - never learned to cook growing up but will insist on cooking dinner and then just make it up even though I've said it's great to follow a recipe as it's just a list of instructions.....and even that it's great to use a recipe the first time and then experiment later if it's not to your taste. He gets 'hurt' if we don't like what he cooks. Amazing baker, but just doesn't seem to 'get' that just because he's had some great meals with rosemary or thyme it's no reason to put it in everything.

Barney16 · 07/10/2024 08:48

Buy him cookery classes for Christmas. Residential cookery classes. Then he can learn how to cook and you can go to M and S and pick out the delicious food you want to eat, go home, eat it and luxuriate in the glorious freedom of him being elsewhere.

independencefreedom · 07/10/2024 08:52

Lemonadeand · 07/10/2024 07:12

Yes it’s a type of arrogance. Thinking you can just make something up with no experience.

Show quote history

This, definitely. I know I'm good at cooking - one of the few things I am actually skilled at, and it's because my mum is a really superb cook and I helped her in the kitchen all through my childhood, have read recipe books since I was little and really spent time thinking it through and trying out different techniques, going on courses, etc. It really really annoys me when my DH tries to take over, cooks some slop and then acts all huffy when the family don't like it and expects us to say it's wonderful. I feel devalued and so irritated by the whole charade.

MumonabikeE5 · 07/10/2024 08:55

Ok, being pragmatic about it.

What about making sure there are ingredients for a meal that you leave the recipe for or maybe a hopeless of months with a box fresh (etc scheme)
what about a cooking course?

if with these inputs he doesn’t improve then you might conclude it’s wilful. But it’s takes a while to learn to cook

bringmorewashing · 07/10/2024 08:56

Yanbu at all. My DH is a competent cook, or so I thought, but after giving birth 2 weeks ago I've had to ask him to take over all cooking. Instead of sticking to tried and tested recipes he's started experimenting - and I've gone without lunch or dinner several times as a result. Not ideal while recovering from a complicated birth.

Last week he said he'd make "pasta with prawns" - but instead of eg. a simple linguine he spent hours cooking some sort of "bisque" made of prawn heads and shells which truly stunk the house out. And of course he used every pot, pan and plate we own in the process.

It would probably have tasted quite good, but he then added a bunch of random ingredients - including half of my jar of precious saffron brought over from Iran by a friend. The end result was inedible and I wanted to cry at the waste of money and lovely ingredients! Apparently he got his inspiration for this travesty from YouTube...