To feel sceptical about MIL's cancer diagnosis

[scepticaldil]

My DH and I have been together for around 10 years. First 5-6 years I got along with his mum well, then after we had our child we've started having issues.
Just after my child was born MIL insisted she needs to come visit within the first few days of his life and, after a complicated birth, I wasn't so keen. MIL kept calling my DH and insisting, eventually called him and burst into tears saying that she actually suspects she's got cancer which is why she wants to visit because she might not have long left. Obviously her son (my DH) and I were both worried, given she had cancer about a decade before this and she used to work in the medical field so surely she's got some clue what she is talking about. He encouraged her to go to the doctors which she did eventually. No cancer.
A couple of years later she once again suspected cancer because she's got random pains that can't be explained. Suspected she's got cancer. Coincidentally at a time when we had renovations going on in our house and I went to stay with my mum overnight quite often (so that our child doesn't live in the middle of a building site when certain work is going on / wet paint / too many dangerous bits sticking out of walls or floor). Everyone panicked and organised many visits. No cancer.
Now, she's also announced that she thinks a mole is cancerous. Coincidentally at a time when my child gets super excited to see my mum but is a bit meh about MIL's visits. DH is panicking but I just can't help but think of the boy who cried wolf...

If she thinks a mole might be cancer she needs to make an appointment and get it checked. I’m not seeing the need for anyone to be panicking or am I missing something?

Yeah, she's got an appointment in a few weeks but somehow, each time, she likes to tell her kids as soon as she's got a suspicion (but does she even suspect it or just says it as a way to manipulate...) and in the wait for the appointment and results gets lots of special treatment. Like "of course visit the day after baby is born, who cares if my wife is uncomfortable with that and recovering from traumatic birth, we don't know how many days you have left" type thing. Or "yes I'll spend hours on the phone with you mum, we'll cancel our plans to visit you" etc

God I hate people like this. When my mum had cancer she didn't tell me until she knew for sure (didn't actually tell me until they told her it was incurable) as she didn't want me worrying. People telling their kids they probably have cancer when they don't is just low and quite pathetic.

Well to me it all seems a bit dramatic for a “not serious enough to have even got to the dr yet” situation. Both my parents have had cancer twice and we’ve never reacted like that even when they were definitely diagnosed. And they both lived for many, many years afterwards, as do most people. Why would you? It’s not an instant death sentence. Is it mainly your DH who gets so swept up by his mother’s fears? Have you tried having a rational conversation with him about the reality of cancer diagnoses/prevalence in older people/?

I also know a hypochondriac, and it is a rather desperate way to live. The one I know is always needing to have something investigated, only to be told every single time that there is nothing wrong. It always happens at a time when her ds is busy with his own life, his wife and family and she feels she hasn't got enough of his attention (even though she has her own dh). She can't be trusted to tell the truth so sympathy for all the suspected issues runs out quickly.

She could genuinely believe her cancer has returned.

My mum had cancer 5 years ago, and I know now she’s a bit nervy when she feels unwell or has any new ailments. She doesn’t make a drama out of her worries, but I know she’s much more anxious about her general health post-cancer.

MIL sounds like a bit of a melt worrying everyone at the first sign of something being off, but I wouldn’t spring to thinking it was definitely a manipulation tactic.

Your DH needs to get a grip.

I think your MIL is digging a hole for herself.
People are going to run out of sympathy after the 3rd or 4th 'crisis'.

Then if she ever is really ill she might find people are too jaded by her previous health non-issues to take her concerns seriously.

Yes it's absolutely more DH and his siblings.
First time it was said a day after I've given birth, to me everything is still pretty hazy, I've got a newborn that didn't come with an instruction manual, everything is in pain so, in all honesty the cancer diagnoses wasn't the main focus of my life, but of course if I'm being told my MIL definitely has cancer (definitely because she's an ex medic and also a previous cancer patient so must know what she's talking about) so she absolutely must visit, even though I'm uncomfortable, I don't have the strength to fight and just say ok yes.

DH and siblings generally have a weird dynamic with their mum in that they worship her. She's the best thing to happen. She knows everything. If she says something it's correct, she doesn't get questioned. They say a lot of weird things like "shall we take dad out for his birthday so you can have him out of your hair for a few hours?" (Dad is absolutely capable, not ill, not a burden but very henpecked and gets blamed for everything). If mum and dad disagree on something random like where the best tomatoes are sold or which place to hang a picture up, kids will ridicule dad and make it out that mum is CLEARLY right, always.
I guess that dynamic feeds into everything being dramatised around her. Our Queen has cancer, it's not just a random family member.
On a side note I've never played into that dynamic, for example, she's said before things like "DC must be cold, you should put a coat on him" after which DH and DH's siblings instantly go "oh you're so right, 100%" (even though that's how DC has always gone out in similar weather) and I'd just go "nah he's fine" or other situations where, unlike her children, I'd do things my own way and never exclaim "oh wow you're so correct" the way they do (no exaggeration)

What I’m trying to say is that it sounds like your MIL is reacting in a completely unreasonable way to thinking she might have cancer (whether she’s making it all up is another matter), but that your DH/family are also reacting in an unreasonable/overdramatic way, even if the ‘scares’ are genuine. I mean how many of us get referred on two week waits multiple times in our lives (I have at least 4 times)? It’s a bit worrying but there’s no need to start worrying everyone else and counting how many days you’ve got left every time. And it might be easier to get your DH/family to tone down the dramatics than your mil.

I'm sure there's going to be lots of people along to miss the point so I'm just going to highlight it here:

Of course someone who has previously had cancer may understandably be over cautious about potentially having it again.

The point OP is making that this only seems to happen when the MIL isn't getting her way or the attention isn't on her.

Just read your update about the family dynamics. It all sounds very unhealthy and tedious and you have my sympathy. It sounds like you are doing the right thing in trying to resist getting drawn in.

i wrote a great long post about how your DH needs to reframe his thinking about his responsibilities but I think pp has summed it up above that he needs to get a grip.

It's bizarre to announce a worry about a mole so yes I'd be very suspicious about it coincidentally being at times she might be feeling attention deprived.

For someone who has had a cancerous mole, I totally get where she’s coming from.
Why could she not visit after her grandchild was born? How soon was the first visitor and who was it?

The thing is, as I've tried to explain above but probably not very well as it's difficult to convey their family dynamic, 1) she's very much on a pedestal and 2) they think she can never be wrong. And yes I get that mums are the best - I love my mum, I'm super close to her, I think she's one of the best people ever, she makes the best food and gives the best hugs but... the thing with MIL is different. No one ever disagrees with her so no one dares to question her cancer and it's expected that everyone overreacts so everyone does. I guarantee the reaction would be different if FIL had cancer.

It's a weird one to discuss with DH because whenever I've tried say anything like "she can be wrong about how to wean our child, we don't have to do it her way" the responses are just "she knows what she's talking about she's an ex medic and everything she does it out of love". On cancer diagnoses I've said "let's not get ahead of ourselves, she's suspected it before and it wasn't true" and the response is very much like "but what if it is, she's my mum, we must bring DC to her this weekend so she can spend as much time as possible"

My mum was there the day after I gave birth to support me after a traumatic birth. We agreed that no one else would come for around a week. Then MIL called.

Sounds like she suspects you don’t like her anyway.

I think we both know we don't like each other

Isn’t the child her grandchild? You sound a bit controlling.

Can you clarify what 'ex-medic' is?

Doctor? What specialty? How long ago?

It does sound like they all think she is right about everything even faintly medical when TBH, if it was a long time ago, or not your area of practice, you probably know fuck all about current medicine.

I mean I'm a current doctor and everything I know about weaning babies is from Mumsnet as it's not my area of practice.

Which part is controlling?
It's her grandchild but I just gave birth, I underwent a medical procedure, I have a right to recover.

There's a part of having had cancer that is rarely talked about. That's the fear that remains after the cancer is gone, if you're lucky.

I've had cancer three times and I know that nagging fear of "is this cancer, again? Will I be lucky again this time?"

the difference between your Mother in Law and me is that I keep that fear to myself and go and get whatever's bothering me checked out.

But don't dismiss your Mother in Laws fear out of hand. Her fear might be heightened when good things are happening for you and her son. Maybe she just gets more frightened that she might not live to see it to fruition?

But maybe that's just my Pollyanna tendency talking.

How old is your MIL?

She was a physical therapist but quit about 30 years ago

In her 60s