To feel sceptical about MIL's cancer diagnosis

[scepticaldil]

My DH and I have been together for around 10 years. First 5-6 years I got along with his mum well, then after we had our child we've started having issues.
Just after my child was born MIL insisted she needs to come visit within the first few days of his life and, after a complicated birth, I wasn't so keen. MIL kept calling my DH and insisting, eventually called him and burst into tears saying that she actually suspects she's got cancer which is why she wants to visit because she might not have long left. Obviously her son (my DH) and I were both worried, given she had cancer about a decade before this and she used to work in the medical field so surely she's got some clue what she is talking about. He encouraged her to go to the doctors which she did eventually. No cancer.
A couple of years later she once again suspected cancer because she's got random pains that can't be explained. Suspected she's got cancer. Coincidentally at a time when we had renovations going on in our house and I went to stay with my mum overnight quite often (so that our child doesn't live in the middle of a building site when certain work is going on / wet paint / too many dangerous bits sticking out of walls or floor). Everyone panicked and organised many visits. No cancer.
Now, she's also announced that she thinks a mole is cancerous. Coincidentally at a time when my child gets super excited to see my mum but is a bit meh about MIL's visits. DH is panicking but I just can't help but think of the boy who cried wolf...

FFS.
She'd just given birth. She's allowed to 'control' when she has visitors...

This, especially if she knows MIL wasn’t going to be that helpful if they did come and she needs some time to recover/bond with her newborn… why was OP not entitled to that?

Shes already had cancer and is super aware. Also she does have more chance of cancer reoccurring elsewhere. She should be aware of signs

I do think youre being a tad unreasonable. It seems like she has understandable health anxiety. Who else but her family is she going to tell?

On a separate note, I can see why your MIL wanted to see her GC soon after birth. Did your mum visit ?
Seems abit unkind not permitting your MIL to visit, even for a very short time.

SPOT ON

She has a husband she can confide in. Surely she shouldn't burden her children with her fears until she has more information. I wouldn't tell my children anything until I had a diagnosis unless the symptoms were too obvious to be hidden.

Brilliant post and great advice

That is so weird. Why would they say that she raised them single handedly when their parents were still together and they had an involved father? I assume that she has encouraged this 'cult of mother' since they were young?

She sounds like a self-involved pain in the arse and your DH isn't much better.

Read OP's posts. She is a terrible grandmother.

Hmmm op the more you post, the more it is clear you need a long term plan. Your DH isn’t going to suddenly see the light, it is going to be very painful for him indeed.

I guess if you read up on the FOG then you are forewarned. The narcs on Mumsnet seem to follow a script so it’ll be clear what your MIL will do.

did you read the thread about the MIL who flounced out of Christmas - she sounds like your mil.

outofthefog.website/treatment/

It's hard to explain the dynamic to those who haven't witnessed the two of them together but in my husbands defence, outside of MIL's visits, he's a lovely dad and a super helpful husband. Most weekends he would do the household chores and likely I have a lie in whilst he gets up. He is very involved, very understanding etc. tells me he knows my job is non stop in the week so why don't I go for brunch with a friend on a Sunday.

However the moment MIL is through the front door he is like a puppy desperate to please. MIL has this weird way of talking over anything that is happening. My husband could be talking to our child or me when suddenly MIL will interrupt with a random question about his job or ask him if he wants dessert. I've noticed on occasion (mainly when our child is talking to him, or he's actively interacting with our child) he will finish his sentence to DC (so essentially the response is delayed by 10 secs) before responding to MIL as opposed to stopping anything he is saying or doing and responding that very moment to her. In that case she'll go "FRED! Can you hear me? Are you having dessert or not?!" (Or whatever her non-urgent original question was). At the playground / park / beach it's more like he will come to help DC get up a climbing wall and suddenly MIL from all the way where she's sitting say something like "so will they be sending you to Prague with work this year or not?" and keep shouting the conversation until he comes and sits with her. DH, when questioned, says he can't just ignore her talking but I think he can if she interrupts?

That’s a DP problem. He’s a grown man. Tell him to start shouting MUM! You can see I’m talking to…….. Wait!” and turn back. That’s the least he can start doing.

What a childish attention seeker. She is in competition with her own grandchild for your husband's attention. She should be embarassed.

I agree with pp that you are lacking some empathy here and your dislike of her is leading you to think what I feel are malicious thoughts about her. I don’t think she is being manipulative. I don’t think you can understand the shadow cancer casts over your life when you are a survivor, because it is likely to get you in the end and you are literally told by doctors to be hypervigilient and see them immediately if anything is concerning.

I had melanoma decades ago. Over lockdown, I developed skin cancer again, this time it was just BCC but I had to fight for referral to dermatology and even after diagnosis waited over a year for surgery. By then it had spread pretty deeply and the scar for that is now bigger and worse than the tiny ones I had from the melanoma.

Since early 2023 I have felt that something wasn’t right in me. I have had symptoms investigated and dismissed as perimenopause, and each time been offered estrogen dominant HRT as a cure all.

Then I got my first routine mammogram at 51 and, result is invasive breast cancer. Oh, and it is estrogen receptive so if I had listened to the doctors and not my gut, my anxiety, my breast cancer would be much worse. I don’t know how bad it is just yet, MRI results still pending. But biopsies have proved it is invasive breast cancer.

This diagnosis has come a full year and a half after I started worrying that I might have some new kind of cancer. You see, if you have had one type of cancer, you are at higher risk of developing cancer again, and again of any type.

And if you’ve been through that running away from the grim reaper once, yes you are more anxious about it. But you also get fobbed off a lot.

Seriously the day after my breast cancer diagnosis, my GP sent me my latest blood test results with a big “No Further Action” on it like usual despite my ferritin being 2, my hemaeglobin being just below normal, and all the little bits that indicate possible cancer as borderline…like they have been the 9mos!

If it had not been for the routine scan- which you can’t request early oh no, I’d be going back to GP and demanding once again that according to NICE guidelines my iron deficiency anemia and other results should be further investigated.

I found comments like “no decent mother would tell her children” when we are taking about adult children hard to read. I did tell my DDs from the the point I got the letter post mammogram saying they’d found something and I had to go in for more scans. I told them how the letter said 2 in 3 women don’t have cancer so I wasn’t being all chicken little with them. I think that it is a personal choice when to tell a family member. Even a cancer scare is true! I didn’t like how OP phrased “she’s had scares before and later we find out they’re not true” that’s the wrong way to view it, a cancer scare is true, you don’t know until you are in that room whether or not the cancer scare is cancer or something benign.

Even then you might not know for sure, one month before the breast cancer diagnosis, just this August, my requests to be checked had led to GP referral for an ultrasound of my womb. The going theory was my low iron was due to menopausal heavy periods but could my feeling unwell mean something else was going on with my womb? I was told all normal, nothing to worry about and would I like HRT?

I said no thanks to the HRT because didn’t want to mask anything.

I left there and the nurse walked with me and said, you don’t seem happy about the all clear. I said to her, while I was happy that part of me was fine, I had been hoping for answers as my gut says something is definitely not right in my body and I will just have to keep on my quest to find out what it is.

And well, here I am. Breast cancer. The journey to find this out was long and if anything it has shown me that the anxiety of cancer survivors can never be treated too seriously.

Your MIL may know nothing about medicine, like me, but like me she knows her own body.

You dislike her for very good reasons, please don’t add this as a reason as that is actually unfair imho and it will put unwarranted pressure on your DH as well.

From your last update I think you are right to be cautious about leaving DC with your MIL and DH. The combination of someone so determined to be the centre of attention that they will even vie with their own young grandchild and your DH who is so conditioned he doesn’t seem to expect ordinary standards of social behaviour from his mother is just an accident waiting to happen.

Your DH needs to learn selective deafness - it can be a powerful tool.

I would be minded to have a discussion to this effect with your DH and point out that MIL isn’t actually interested in DC’s welfare at all, and perhaps if he insists on going along with her ploys to ensure he doesn’t give any attention to your DC, he should see his mother more on his own so they can both give each other their undivided attention.

This.
Sad that the woman has to create a drama to get near her grandchild.
You say the child is excited to see your mum. It's not surprising she's indifferent to your MIL if she's not a big part of her life.

Also, when you are discharged from cancer care you are warned never to ignore new symptoms as they could indicate return or spread. I have a printout of things to watch out for. Forever. Backache? Could be cancer. Joint pain? Could have spread to bones. Fatigue? Could be cancer. It's relentless that minor things you never used to worry about could be sinister.
Now I'm pretty philosophical and don't over react, but I can quite see how others would.

The potential cancer issue does muddy the waters slightly..

She may genuinely be scared, I suspect most people who have already had cancer would be.

However I think most rational, well balanced adults will investigate beyond 'something doesn't feel right, I am scared its cancer' before worrying other family members particularly where they've already been through that before.

I live with the constant fear of a massive heart attack, thats how I've been told I'll go and no one knows when but that making plans for 5 years from now would be unwise (but then they've been saying that a long time now!)..

So yes any time I experience chest pain or tightness or odd rhythms, when I go to bed at night and listen to my own heartbeat... I do worry.

However I don't SAY anything, because what use is worrying those around me unless theres something concrete I can take to a professional? If I need to see someone, I'll mention it to those that on a practical level, need to know there and then...

So whilst I can understand she may genuinely be scared, I still think it sounds like she's realised this is a very handy way to get attention and manipulate her family whenever she feels she needs to.

Having had cancer, or being scared you have cancer, does not mean you can't also be a manipulative cowbag!

OTT

It’s quite clear she would like to spend more time with her grandchild. You are not very nice about their relationship and clearly feel your own mum is ‘better’ as a grandparent. Can you spend even a little more time together? I also found your ‘Our Queen has cancer, it's not just a random family member’ really unpleasant. She’s not a random family member (and I don’t personally think of anyone in my close extended family as ‘random’) and whilst she may not be your queen, it’s not unreasonable her children see her in that way surely? Particularly if they’ve previously had to go through cancer. It’s not a small thing or unimportant.

Can't she just see her grandson whenever she wants? I mean, is it really a big deal to encourage your ds to have a relationship with her, even if she's annoying? I mean, she's not a random family member she's a blood relation to your ds.