To feel sceptical about MIL's cancer diagnosis

[scepticaldil]

My DH and I have been together for around 10 years. First 5-6 years I got along with his mum well, then after we had our child we've started having issues.
Just after my child was born MIL insisted she needs to come visit within the first few days of his life and, after a complicated birth, I wasn't so keen. MIL kept calling my DH and insisting, eventually called him and burst into tears saying that she actually suspects she's got cancer which is why she wants to visit because she might not have long left. Obviously her son (my DH) and I were both worried, given she had cancer about a decade before this and she used to work in the medical field so surely she's got some clue what she is talking about. He encouraged her to go to the doctors which she did eventually. No cancer.
A couple of years later she once again suspected cancer because she's got random pains that can't be explained. Suspected she's got cancer. Coincidentally at a time when we had renovations going on in our house and I went to stay with my mum overnight quite often (so that our child doesn't live in the middle of a building site when certain work is going on / wet paint / too many dangerous bits sticking out of walls or floor). Everyone panicked and organised many visits. No cancer.
Now, she's also announced that she thinks a mole is cancerous. Coincidentally at a time when my child gets super excited to see my mum but is a bit meh about MIL's visits. DH is panicking but I just can't help but think of the boy who cried wolf...

Also OP I totally get the difference in grandparents! I love my mum dearly, but she is definitely more like your MIL in terms of interacting with my DD. She loves the bones of her, but will pretty much only sit with DD on her knee (which doesn't work particularly well when DD wants to explore!)

My relationship with MIL is close but not perfect. The thing I admire most about MIL is how she always goes into DD's world to play with her. She'll get on the floor, crawl after her, play into the imaginative games and help her reach for books etc.

I know that DD gets more excited to see MIL but it's natural. DD probably won't ever appreciate the money that my mum has contributed to her lifestyle, or the food that she prepares etc. She'll always appreciate the fun that MIL brings.

I’d assume if you had cancer you see cancer everywhere. It makes sense in a way. If you haven’t told your dh your doubts, don’t- no matter how badly you and your mil get on there’s things you should think but never say in real life (The reason mn is great!!)

It does sound like your mum is much better to be around with a toddler. Your MIL is clearly not really up for rolling around with a toddler and having recently had toddlers I know how much difference it makes to have several involved adults, so I really do hear you. I also know how much I’m really not up for rolling around with toddlers and I’m only a few years past it myself 😂

What I would say is that the toddler years don’t last forever. Soon enough you won’t need someone who gets down on the floor to play etc and at some point your kid/s will be teenagers who would rather be left alone.

Does your MIL have any redeeming qualities that you could focus on? Is she more likely to engage with your son as he gets older? Or will she always be more interested in the adults in the room- which will matter less and less as your son gets more independent. She isn’t your mum and you sound super close to your mum so of course you think she is the best. But maybe stop comparing to your mum and think about reframing who your MIL is in the most positive way you can.

I guess you don’t have to do any of these things and you could carry on as you are but it might be nice to see if you can build a more positive relationship with her, even if it’s quite surface level.

I'd suddenly find that I had things already in my diary for when MIL was coming over, so that I was off to my very important meet up with a friend in need, and DH could work out for himself how to manage both entertaining his child and occupying his mother. I can't offer a solution to the cancer issue but I think removing yourself from the situation more often would be a start.

I feel like all you can do is try to agree some stuff with your DH, like if he keeps dancing attendance on his mum and leaving you to do everything , there will be consequences e.g. you will have an urgent errand necessitating you departing the house/beach/wherever and leaving everything to him. Sympathies, it sounds absolutely awful! I would avoid her as much as possible.

I didn’t have an ideal relationship with my mil, but still allowed her to see her grandson after emergency c section, the day he was born.
i know it’s up to the individual whether they have family to see the new baby, but it must be hard to not see your grandchild when they’ve been born.

Perhaps she really is anxious about her health?

It sounds as if you really dislike your MIL and you make it difficult for her to visit and for your husband and your child to have a relationship with his mother. Remember that if you make this the hill you want to die on it might lead to divorce. If you do divorce your ex husband has the right to include his family as much as he wishes.
Cancer is a terrible disease. You are never 'cured' but only in remission. The fear is there at every new pain or lump or change in your body.

@Peachy2005 @PullTheBricksDown
I've done this on a couple of occasions but always feel guilty towards DC for this. For example, I left them together when DC was a baby and found that he wasn't put down for a nap. DH was struggling to put him down for a nap and MIL said that it doesn't really matter. If the child doesn't want to go to sleep they don't need to. Of course, as she knows everything and is an ex medic no one questioned that. I returned to a very overtired baby.
Another time DC got lost in the playground despite the adult to child ratio being 3:1. From how things usually are, MIL needs DH to keep up conversation and I'm guessing DH was distracted. None of her kids can say a word against MIL even if it's "mum I can't chat now"

My great aunt was a lovely woman but in the last few years of her life she started to call out ambulances - she was a former nurse so would give a bunch of worrying symptoms, would be rushed into hospital and have every test under the sun performed and would be in for several days. Everyone would be worried, big fuss and then she would be sent home happy out after all the drama, it seemed to get her through the cold winter months. The family realised after it happened a number of times that she was just bored and spicing up her life a little. She was in her 90s at the time, independent and full of energy - lived to 97, the retirement village were trying to get her to go into a nursing home (probably because of the drama). I suspect your MIL is maybe doing a similar thing!

This 100%
She sounds awful, OP. But these are deeply ingrained family patterns where your DH and his siblings have all danced to her tune since they were kids. You won’t convince your DH with rational logic. All you can do is limit your exposure to her, and try to limit the impact of your DH’s kowtowing to her on you and your DC.

There is no diagnosis though OP, just a concern/suspicion. Wouldn't acknowledge anything until anything is confirmed.

Wow you are patient. I think I'd be finding it really difficult not to say "wow, you might (emphasis on) have cancer again? How unlucky are you?"..... and then quietly roll my eyes.

But then I can be a complete cow.

My MIL does this. Calls herself an ex nurse and has done for 50+yrs when she appears or have done 6-12 months as what would be considered a nurses aide or similar now. No actual medical training, administered no meds and basically kept a ward shipshape and spotless as dictated by the matron of the day. I have no issue with this as a job, it must be very hard work but it's not nursing in the modern (post 1970's) sense of the word. When I point out my mother nursed in a hospital until her early 60's she is less self aggrandising but constantly declares her opinion as though she is the Chief of the NHS.

How to handle your MIL I don't know. Does your DH even notice that she does sweet f.a. as soon as she is around? I mean if he can't change it at least acknowledge it and cut visits down? Or make a conscious effort to do some parenting?

She is a narcissistic manipulator and your DH is one of her Flying Monkeys. She sounds like a complete headfuck. Most parents wouldn't want to worry their kids unnecessarily with possible cancer scares. Monstrous behaviour.

shs a narc and your dh enables her

i wouolnt indulge someone like that

Have you had cancer? People recover physically ( although often with lingering side effects from treatment), but recovery mentally is a very different matter.

Yep. Some grandparents get on better with certain ages and others are less interested. She's less interested and will get less interest from DC as a result.
If DH really can't see it ... and the playground incident is a bit shocking and I'm surprised that was not a wake up call for him.... then not much you can do really. Other than make some appropriate noises, pay it very little other attention and get on with your life. If he wants to bring DC over then let him. If he wants to make purees then let him. But be firm that you are going to do x y z yourself.
"happy for you to follow MIL guidelines, my research is that we can do this now so I'll do that " sort of thing.
I think the cancer worry thing will just reappear again and again at this rate. There's precious little you can do now especially if DH and sibs are as they are

Once you’ve had cancer or got cancer, whatever you have you will think it’s cancer. As for being a hypochondriac, that’s an illness within itself.

She sounds manipulative, but I think you were pretty harsh about visiting your baby at the start. It's normal for grandparents to visit shortly after the birth and she will have quite reasonably felt excluded. There are other ways to have boundaries, e.g. time limiting the visit. Obviously she should have worked on getting over that rather than telling everyone she had cancer.

I think stuff like the baby being overtired from a missed nap is annoying but not something to feel guilty about or a reason for your husband not to visit on his own with DC. Obviously the same doesn't apply to losing the kid. Hopefully when your child is older and needs less supervision your DH can crack on with visiting and you and MIL can avoid each other.

I think if you've ever had cancer the fear that it has come back never goes away. You worry about every pain in a way that those who haven't had cancer don't. Maybe she has nobody else to offload to and just wants some emotional support. Personally I wouldn't tell my children but everyone is different.

Oh my god. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

The dynamic between your MIL and your H and his siblings is so fucking weird. So weird.

This.
She is manipulative.
Your real issue is with your wet weak husband.
You should have realised that when he put her first when you had your first child.

Posters blame the horror MIL but the truth is if their sons didn't tolerate their bullshit behaviour, it wouldn't continue.

Focus on your husband.

I'm glad I'm not your MiL. Your child is as much her grandchild as she is your DM's.

I had a very complicated birth with DS 1. My MiL insisted I went to stay with them as DH was working and couldn't take time off , pre parental leave. She made sure I concentrated on getting better and spoilt me rotten.

It sounds like you've decided you don't like her and want to distance her from HER grandchild.

Clearly OPs MiL is not like this so comparing apples and oranges. @scepticaldil my MIL is very similar to yours although my DH doesn’t dance to her tune so she doesn’t have much impact.

The only thing I will say in your MILs favour is imagine your DS has a baby and you can’t see the baby for a few days/week or so after birth but his partners mother is there. You may feel your nose pushed slightly out (you may not so I’m not saying you are wrong at all). I didn’t want my in-laws around the moment I gave birth but my husband invited them saying ‘well your mums here’, and low and behold they just wanted to hold baby whilst being served tea/snacks, where as my mum actually came to see me too and helped clean/cook/take care of baby whilst I slept etc. so I 100% get where you are coming from - however the reason I mention it is I only have DDs so not sure if I would flip my perspective if I had a DS.

FWIW OP your MIL sounds like a narcissist manipulator and this pattern will be part of your husbands psyche too.

These people all sound insufferable- MIL and her attention seeking and tantrums and her family with their unquestioning faith that she’s right about everything ever. I could not put up with that. That said, her children have been conditioned since birth to defer to her and keep her high on her pedestal. It’s a selfish and damaging way to raise your children.

YANBU to think it’s a tad suss she only has these “cancer scares” when she feels she’s losing control of something/someone and wants to get her way. I bet you’re not the only person in your MIL’s life that’s questioning the timing, even if they’re not saying it out loud.

Presumably she will be seen by a dermatologist fairly quickly, so she will know whether it's anything to worry about soon. I've had 3 removed, all within 2 weeks of seeing my GP. There's obviously a strange dynamic in your DHs family with them putting her on a pedestal. Just keeping repeating 'I'm sure sure she'll find out soon enough. Let's not worry'.