Mother fell asleep holding newborn

[caityvh]

My mother is in her 60s and prone to falling asleep on the sofa. She has insisted she can help out with our newborn (have a toddler too) including sitting up with her in the morning & holding her in lounge while I cook etc.

I've been v nervous about this and honest with her on it - she's insisted she's fine each time and that she wouldn't fall asleep with baby on her. Has promised she'll flag if tired etc.

I walked in to the lounge and her head was bobbing/she was nodding off. Obviously took the baby off her immediately. She has apologised and I understand it was a mistake.

I can't trust her anymore and want her to leave. I feel like it will be a while before I can speak to her again. (We already don't have a perfect relationship but been trying to have her involved in kids lives).

Am I overreacting?

Given you are there to supervise it s fine. Since you are checking every 5 minutes?
Just don't go out and leave her sole charge

Get a moses basket in the lounge and she can put baby in it

I don't think that's the kind of advice op is looking for...

I can understand you being angry as you'd emphasised your concerns but from a practical perspective just don't leave her alone with them. Maybe she will learn from this incident - she must know she's let you down.

Some newborns don't just sleep in a moses basket, they want to be held.

OP, I'd be a bit annoyed at her insistence she would be fine and clearly wasn't. Just take it as lesson learned for future instances.

Can she cook whilst you hold the baby?

Does she need to see a GP? Constantly falling asleep on the sofa is not normal

Ask her to sit on a dining chair next time, and make sure the house is on the cool side - she won’t be so snug and cosy.

Does your DM live with you @caityvh?

mine wouldn't sleep in one but I found it incredibly useful to have somewhere safe to put the baby when newborn - just when you need to do something - or even if you're chatting to them or they're just awake and looking around.

It is for some.

Especially if you don't sleep well at night.

It can be a sign of Sleep Apnea

I feel like it will be a while before I can speak to her again.

Drama drama drama. Just don’t leave her alone with the kids.

I understand that you're upset but wanting her to leave and not wanting to speak to her again seems like a huge overreaction. There must be a huge backstory there...?

Do you need or want her help? If you do, why not change the roles and get her to cook while you hold the baby?

Her head was bobbing .. she wasn’t actually asleep, was near to dropping off. As new parents I guess most people on here felt thier head nob once or twice.

No harm done, put things in place to stop it happening again.. but “not speaking” to someone for a while, sounds totally over the top. What’s the purpose of “not talking”?

I agree with both @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn and also @ExtraOnions

Yes, you are completely over reacting

Agree with this! It is very dangerous to fall asleep with a baby on a sofa …. I wouldn’t leave them alone again. But absolutely your mum could help cook while you hold your baby!

Rather than making someone cold and uncomfortable if they’ve offered to help find something that won’t cause a problem for them to do then let them have supervised cuddles with baby ?

@Catgotyourbrain I think the thread is about the mother refusing to accept that she frequently falls asleep and might be a danger to the child.

I think a lot of people aren't getting the thread because they've never experience a stubborn, narcissistic parent who would rather put a baby at risk than admit they can't do something.

Op my mother was the same - insisted she knew how to strap the baby into the car and wouldn't be shown then would try to drive off with loose straps because her not being told what to do was way more important than the safety of an infant.

Ultimately this is your baby and you decide what's safe for her. Don't be scared to set boundaries.

Thanks all, this is why I'm asking as I'm aware im more emotional than normal, I had a baby less than a week ago.

We have a Moses basket etc, but my issue is that she's insisted on holding her while I do things (even though I've been worried about her falling asleep) - she's insisted she is fine so I just can't trust what she is saying.

We have a bad relationship anyway so I do wonder if I'm looking for a reason to cut her out.

Why don’t you hold the baby and she does whatever cooking or household task you’d have been doing? It’s obviously disappointing but asking her to leave seems way ott.

Of my mum was here and her biggest fail was falling asleep with newborn I'd forgive her.
Just keep checking.
Does your mum have a medical problem?

Some newborns don't just sleep in a moses basket, they want to be held

And that's how you end up with babies who refuse to sleep through the night.

Your hormones are all over the place and are urging you to protect your tiny baby at all costs, but you know that 'cutting her out' isn't the answer or you wouldn't actually be posting on here.

Either tell her calmly that clearly she isn't able to stay awake with baby so you're insisting she goes into the Moses basket, or ask her to sit with you in the kitchen or whatever so she can't fall asleep, or ask her to do tasks while you cuddle/feed. You can set a safe boundary without cutting her out.

Separately, she needs to go to the GP, I don't think it's normal to fall asleep to that extent.

I fell asleep holding my newborn from pure sleep deprivation. Thankfully it was ok and we made some significant changes to our sleep arrangements immediately.

so I understand that it can happen. Though I am guessing that your mother has not been up for multiple days dealing with a newborn that will not sleep unless being held.

I would instead institute new rules. Perhaps grandma should be helping more with the toddler and the cooking. If you have a brand new baby, you really should be recuperating. She is there to help you rest and recover, not to take over baby care.