Mother fell asleep holding newborn

[caityvh]

My mother is in her 60s and prone to falling asleep on the sofa. She has insisted she can help out with our newborn (have a toddler too) including sitting up with her in the morning & holding her in lounge while I cook etc.

I've been v nervous about this and honest with her on it - she's insisted she's fine each time and that she wouldn't fall asleep with baby on her. Has promised she'll flag if tired etc.

I walked in to the lounge and her head was bobbing/she was nodding off. Obviously took the baby off her immediately. She has apologised and I understand it was a mistake.

I can't trust her anymore and want her to leave. I feel like it will be a while before I can speak to her again. (We already don't have a perfect relationship but been trying to have her involved in kids lives).

Am I overreacting?

Show me a new mum who says she hasn't nodded off whilst holding their baby and I’ll show you a liar.

Oh come on 🤣
You can't be serious.

Congratulations on your baby ! A week in, visitors should be cooking for you. And you should be sitting down. As in this case, taking the baby isn't helping at all

Has she got diabetes, I wonder?

What medical condition is causing your mum, a 60yo woman to keep falling asleep? I'd be concerned for her. She needs to see a doctor. It's not normal.

Ref the baby, def create a safe place for baby to be put down if your mum gets sleepy. Babies don't need to be held 24/7.

Gently I think you are probably right @caityvh and you are looking for an excuse to get rid of her.

Can you be more specific about what her role is in her visit now? Is she helping you with toddler, household or anything or is she sitting around wanting to cuddle the baby and have cups of tea brought to her? How long is she staying?

If you are able to it might be an idea to tell her very calmly that you are really upset and rightly or wrongly you need her to ‘help’ in other ways or just give you space for now and you’ll see her again in a while.

Nothing bad happened. She started nodding off, something everyone has done.
There is obviously so much more to this.

I'm in my 60's and fall asleep without knowing I'm going to.
It's not something I can control as I have a diagnosed illness that causes this, CLL.

Also your dm may have sleep apnoea.
Does she snore at night and look tired in the mornings?
There's probably a clinical cause.

Yup.

Either tell her calmly that clearly she isn't able to stay awake with baby so you're insisting she goes into the Moses basket, or ask her to sit with you in the kitchen or whatever so she can't fall asleep, or ask her to do tasks while you cuddle/feed. You can set a safe boundary without cutting her out.

This.
It is the wanting her to leave, and not speaking to her that is unreasonable.

You are only a few days away from giving birth though, so at that stage it is you who should be lying back on the sofa, cuddling the baby, and anyone who comes to help who should be making the cuppa / prepping the meals / putting a wash in.

Also, staying away from AIBU where people will answer the question specifically and not take into account you are less than a week from giving birth and need to be treated more kindly.

Telling new mothers that if they fall asleep holding their babies it is dangerous and must never be done is cruel and unrealistic. It happens.
Is it ideal? No but it leads to new parents being ill with sleep deprivation.

I think YABU to not speak to her for a while over this. But I’d be expecting her to do the housework while you hold the baby, especially as you gave birth less than a week ago. So she is being unreasonable there.

She’s unwell. She needs to recognise it’s a problem and not ignore it as this isn’t safe. And no, you can’t trust her currently however I would suggest that she isn’t falling asleep deliberately.

You have to take equal responsibility for this OP.

You say she’s prone to falling asleep but then will let her hold your newborn on the sofa?

She’s not doing it on purpose.

Does she have a medical condition?
She needs to get checked out.

My mum has never fallen asleep on the sofa unless it’s in the evening and I work with multiple 60+ women who don’t nod off unexpectedly.

If you want her to help out because she’s living with you, could you ask her to cook/clean instead.

Where is your DP in all of this?

You shouldn’t be bedridden but it seems there are 3 adults in the home and you’re doing things that someone else can do.

Wait until the baby is asleep in their cot and then do odd jobs if you want to.
Then your mum won’t have a chance to need to look after them when you’re busy.

But it is dangerous and it kills babies all of the time.

I fell asleep multiple times with my baby but it’s not something I would recommend.

New mothers absolutely need to be aware of the dangers.

OPs mum falling asleep whilst holding a newborn is very dangerous and OP needs to stop letting her mum hold the baby without her there.
It’s just not worth the risk.

Completely agree. All these posters making our she's being overdramatic as if it's perfectly fine for her mother to fall asleep holding the baby and she's getting ruled up over a non issue is blowing my mind.

I definitely know it wasn't on purpose and do get that, it's more the insistence that it wouldn't happen. Def agree would've been good to get help in other ways, she's just not really a domestic person (whole other issue).

I think the reaction since has probably ticked me off.She did apologise but only after I asked for an apology. And she also has said if I hadn't caught her she wouldn't have told me that she'd fallen asleep and would carry on looking after her/lying.

Thanks to those with thought-out responses, even if you've disagreed. I appreciate it and glad I asked.

Anyone just looking for an irrelevant argument, I can't be bothered soz.

Not speaking to her at all is an over reaction. Everyone makes mistake and if no one forgave them and gave them another chance what would the world come to. There will be a lot of parents who will struggle to say that they didn't ever fall asleep with their own child at somepoint, that I don't think many can be judgemental of it happening to a grandparents once. They should be monitored with the child for a while but cutting them off YABU.

She can look after toddler or help cook.

you exclusively look after newborn

I would feel anxious about her looking after the baby if she is prone to falling asleep. It doesn't sound normal either. I fell asleep with my own newborn baby in my arms, but that was because I was very sleep deprived. However, it's over the top to say you don't want to speak to her. She can either hold the baby while you are there, or help you in other ways, which is far better when you have a newborn, in my opinion.

My nan is the same. In her 70s but loves looking after her great grandkids. Always dropping off though.

We all just agreed that until the babies are robust enough and can get on and off the sofas on their own, and the room is fully childproof then we wouldn't set our nan up to fail. Most of our kids are older now and self sufficient and just curl up next to her and read a book or a kindle and they're never alone for very long at all, minutes.

It sounds like your mum is very easily exhausted and doesn't mean to drop to sleep.

She would feel absolutely horrible if anything bad happened.

Perhaps you need to make sure if she's looking after the baby its early in the day and when she's moving around so not easy to fall into a nanna nap, and be present until you're comfortable giving them a bit more space.

Don't set your mum up to fail though by getting upset with her over this. She can't help it, but that doesn't mean you have to let it happen again.

Congratulations on your baby OP, a week post partum is bloody hard at the best of times!

I do get the seriousness of falling asleep holding a baby, I suspect this is more the issue isn't it:

We have a bad relationship anyway so I do wonder if I'm looking for a reason to cut her out.

If you had a decent relationship this is something fairly easily sorted really isn't it, but as you say it's bad it's one more thing to find unacceptable. Obviously have zero clue on your relationship so can't advise, but I'd say think what you need right now; if it's helpful having her around then be firm in what she can help with but don't make it a huge deal. If you feel you'd be happier and find it easier without her there then don't feel bad about asking her to leave.

You're not overreacting. And her reaction after is telling. If she wants to help there's lots of other things she can do that would be more helpful that putting your newborn at risk

If you just had a baby, she should be cooking while you hold the baby not vice versa, and anyone whose idea of helping a freshly pp mother is to lie on the sofa with her baby while she cooks needs to go anyways, IMO. On the other hand, my sister moves in for about a month each time I have a baby and does the cooking/cleaning etc but I definitely think she has dozed off holding the baby in the evenings before while we all watched tv or chatted, as long as someone awake/alert is checking in and takes the baby right away I don’t think it’s a big issue.

Yeah, show that baby who's boss. That's how it works.

This is not true and quite an outdated opinion.