Mother fell asleep holding newborn

[caityvh]

My mother is in her 60s and prone to falling asleep on the sofa. She has insisted she can help out with our newborn (have a toddler too) including sitting up with her in the morning & holding her in lounge while I cook etc.

I've been v nervous about this and honest with her on it - she's insisted she's fine each time and that she wouldn't fall asleep with baby on her. Has promised she'll flag if tired etc.

I walked in to the lounge and her head was bobbing/she was nodding off. Obviously took the baby off her immediately. She has apologised and I understand it was a mistake.

I can't trust her anymore and want her to leave. I feel like it will be a while before I can speak to her again. (We already don't have a perfect relationship but been trying to have her involved in kids lives).

Am I overreacting?

Just here to agree with these pps. It's so dangerous and I know someone this happened to - it's not just a hypothetical, remote possibility, it's really risky. And the sofa is the worst place for it.

This. You have the baby. She cooks. YANBU, she just needs to help you in a different way. If she can't, I think she has to go, as she's just causing you more worry.

😂😂😂😂 I'm guessing you either have no children or had babies who would fall asleep anywhere?

Babies don't 'refuse' to sleep, that implies that poor sleepers are doing it maliciously.

Babies will grow out of contact naps and needing to be held. Besides, needing to be held is completely natural.

YANBU. Read the completely different responses on the recent thread where the DP was the one falling asleep holding the baby on the couch. It is dangerous, and the feelings of whoever chooses to endanger your child mean nothing.

“Refuse” is always the silliest word in this scenario because it makes it seem like they could and choose not to. 😂 biologically normal, folks.

Why isn’t the pp being serious? I’ve got fibromyalgia and CFS but wouldn’t fall asleep holding a baby. Ops mum could easily have a medical problem , a lot of people in their early 60s work and don’t fall asleep working.

It does NOT kill babies " all the time".

In 2023 547, 277 babies were born in the UK.
74 babies under 18 months died.
19 of them had been co sleeping.

A number of them involved drug and alcohol use.

It is wrong and untrue to say dozing off while holding a baby " kills babies all the time".

Well said @Bigearringsbigsmile

Ridiculous, nasty scaremongering by @Choochoo21

Why isn’t your mum doing the cooking ?
you should be sat on the sofa while your mum cooks
When my daughter had my grandson I went to stay locally (I live 3.5 hours away ) and I cooked and cleaned while she concentrated on her new baby and took him out in his pram so she could sleep

It’s not scaremongering to say it’s dangerous to fall asleep whilst holding a newborn baby.

It’s actually just common sense.

It’s not scaremongering to say that someone with a health condition who cannot help falling asleep, should not be holding a newborn unattended.

Again it’s just common sense.

You wouldn’t have someone drive your baby in a car if they’re known for falling asleep behind the wheel.

You are seriously lacking in common sense.

Why are you so adamant that OP should do something that she’s uncomfortable with and that could cause her baby harm.

Of course you're not overreacting. She could have killed your baby. Everyone knows that falling asleep with a baby in a chair/on a sofa is one of the main ways a baby can be suffocated. It's deadly (and yes, it doesn't matter if 90% of the time it's fine, just read the stories of the times it isn't). I will never forget the sad story of the husband in the States who did this, he woke up and realised his baby was dead, he rang his wife and was screaming sorry and to call the police then went into the garage and shot himself.

It happens every day across the world. You cannot be too 'OTT' about safe sleep, you just can't. Every time that baby is put in a position like bedsharing or in the arms of an asleep adult on a sofa or left to sleep for a long period in a bouncer etc. their chance of dying shoots up. It's not worth it. Safe sleep EVERY sleep.

I would only have your mum around the baby when supervised by another adult. There's no need to 'cut her out' over this, it wasn't intentional, but now you have valuable important information about your mother's capabilities.

Survivor's bias will attract flocks of people who did it and their babies were just fine so they refuse to admit they put their baby in danger and instead are adamant it's just fine and dandy. You see it with bedsharing advocates constantly.

Just wanted to add that my DMiL, whilst lovely in many ways just wanted to hold my first baby or take him out for walks whilst I cooked and cleaned.

I wasn't comfortable letting her take the baby out, especially as she wasn't overly familiar with the area and looking back, she probably had the very, very early stages of Dementia.

Holding the baby whilst I made her lunch is also a bit rude. I'd never do that to a new Mum. If I was visiting I'd always call ahead and say I was popping into somewhere and what sandwich did they want and take a litre extras as well.

Insisting she holds the baby whilst you do the work is not helping you. Baby would probably be just as happy, and a lot more safe, in a sling or a bouncy chair.

Yes.

Yes this. If you have a mother like this yourself you spot it a mile away.

That is total bs! 😂😂

This is about OP not being able to trust her mother with her most precious thing. It makes no difference if it’s an overreaction to the risk, and there is a risk. OP needs to know that mother will be trustworthy in response to OP’s wishes and obviously there is a history here. I would take some deep breaths and say you appreciate her help, however she won’t be holding the baby on the sofa by herself but you need her to do x instead. If she huffs about it I’d be suggesting she goes home.

Making her leave is a touch dramatic!

Yes, you're being dramatic.

Why isn't the kids dad there if you only had the baby a week ago? Do you need to be cooking elaborate meals in the morning?

Just tell her to stop, or she she stops coming round simple as that really