To think that there is a want in a woman who stays with a man who has no interest in his kids?

[littlerednumber]

Just that really. My exh has no interest in our kids. Two wITH SEN.
Doesn't see them, doesn't text/ call them. Pays minimal maintenance £40 per week per child.
I'm perplexed that his latest , and indeed , all of his past partners over last few years find him in any way attractive knowing this. What type of person could respect a man like that. We know he is a twat but as a mother herself, I can't get my head round it.
AIBU?

That post couldn’t really be any clearer and my ‘agenda’ is to discuss a topic on a conversation forum. If you find it that hard to read people I can see wherein lies the problem, though.

Here’s hoping your children never pick a wrong un @MiddleParking

Goodness knows they won’t come to you for support!

Well, if she's not interested in having kids, she's not going to be bothered if he doesn't see them, is she?

The reality is her life would be harder if your kids were in it.

It seems that having kids too often is a point in a relation where men show a side of themselves that wasn't possible to uncover until the loss came along and the going got tough/they're no longer the centre of attention/they realise the extent to which kids change your life.

Also there are far too many women who think "it'll be different with me" and fail to appreciate that the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, instead believing the blame the man usually places squarely on the ex.

no one knows when the nice guy they met becomes an asshole when faced with the realities of marriage and children. Not all people show their bad side early on

There are signs though. If he's a season ticket holder at spurs and boasts he's never missed a match, you can bet he's a let a few people down through prioritising that.

If he has an obsessive daily gym routine that means you can't ever plan anything that would interfere with it, you can bet he's a bit self obsessed. (Sadly few women spot this one - they see the hunky gym bod & drool).

If he shifts job constantly & doesn't stick at anything.

If he shows zero interest in children in the wider family (young cousins, nieces & nephews) and is intolerant of friends with DC/resents that their kids get in the way of socialising

If he's obsessed with your appearance too. All those worshipping compliments of what you look like when you are 26 and dolled up for a night out - is he just as loving when you're in your trackies on the sofa with a cold?

I agree op. I wouldn’t go anywhere near a man who didn’t bother with his children. Am also a bit too long in the tooth to fall for any excuses about it.
If he doesn’t make an effort with his children, he is a selfish twat. Do I want to be with a selfish twat? No.

YANBU.
I could never be in a relationship with a man who wasn't a good, loving and hands-on father.
And I wouldn't be falling for any bullshit stories about crazy exes who wouldn't give them access. Mate, that's what lawyers are for!

I agree with this. If he was able to fool you OP by being charming at the beginning, why would that not apply to other women? He could be spinning them all sorts of stories about how unreasonable you are, how you wont let him see the kids, lying through his teeth etc

I completely agree it's a huge red flag if a man wont see his kids but if he is good at spin then how the heck would they know?- they didnt witness all of his shitty behaviour in your marriage....

I think it's a little unfair to be judging other women when he is the arsehole in this scenario.

My ex has never met our children (twins). He has two kids with another woman who knows he has twins with me that he refuses to see. Blows my mind. I assume he spins her some bullshit but regardless, I would never have a relationship with a man who doesn’t see his kids. I often wonder what the pair of them think will happen when the kids are grown up. My kids know they have half siblings. If they want to find them and connect with them I’ll happily help them. I very much doubt his kids will know anything about my two.

Same, I'm a bit confused why you think everyone in the town would know what he's like as a dad. I dont even know what my own neighbours are like as people in private- I've literally just said hello and exchanged pleasantries with them. They seem nice enough but I dont know all the ins and outs of their relationship. Why would I? we dont get a bulletin round with everyone's dirty laundry in it

Men who do this are very charming and clever in how they spin things.

My ex has two (now adult) daughters with me that he doesn't see. I'm the crazy ex who trapped him. He doesn't mention the IVF that he paid for as that would slightly undermine the 'trapped' mantra somewhat.

After me he had three children with a woman who determinedly helped him get a court order for access. I mean, I had never ever once stopped him seeing the girls, but she believed him. He convinced her she was very different to everyone else by marrying her - massive proposal, massive wedding, very elaborate nursery and christening for their first born. She was pregnant with their third when she realised what a shit he was.

Next one was totally unaware he even had children. She was 5 months pregnant with twins when she found out. He had, until that point, claimed to be an only child who was NC with abusive parents. He sounded completely plausible in everything he said.

He did fuck up relatively recently. He bragged to a relatively new girlfriend a while ago he hadn't told anyone about his new job and his maintenance hadn't been recalculated as a result. She took a photo of his payslip and sent it to his two exes with younger children causing his payments, when one of them went to CMS, to almost double. He was apoplectic and showed himself up by ranting about it on his social media.

Hasn't stopped him charming people though. One of my daughters got a FB message recently from the latest girlfriend telling her that she can get in touch with him anytime and I don't have the right to stop her 🙄

I don't blame them though. If being manipulative in an amazingly charming way was an Olympic sport he'd be in with a real shout of a gold medal. Hes very very very convincing.

I agree op. My ex h unfortunately didn't explain that he was lying about his values either.

maybe a group of people who went to same school together and stayed in same town? And still all the gossip etc continuing from school days.

hell!

I don't have children but any man that doesn't see his children is a hard no from me. Same goes for those that say the ex moved the children halfway across the country out of spite/to stop him seeing his children, there's a reason she moved away.

I was seeing a guy whose ex did stop him seeing his daughter(whilst I was seeing him as when we met he saw her several times a week and did school runs/sports etc), he fought tooth and nail to get time with her. He went to court for access in the end.

Some men shouldn't have children, my biological father was the same as your ex but I have to say I'm glad. I was glad he didn't bother with me from a young age I knew I didn't want anything to do with him, he was an embarrassment and I didn't like him and could see him for what he was, if he'd have wanted to take me out I would have refused to go, he was low life unlike any of his family.
Hopefully your children won't care like I didn't.

Abusive behaviour in partners can surface or intensify dramatically during pregnancy and after birth, or at other times of high stress, such as when children are young. People can and do change. This is why midwives are trained to be alert for domestic abuse as part of antenatal care. Some men just switch off and check out rather than stepping up and dealing with their feelings.

I would not knowingly date a man who didn’t care about his kids, because our values would be too different. It’s so wonderful to share your life with someone who is genuinely caring and on the same page.

There are men on OLD who actually have on their profile as if it's a positive
'Only have my children EOW so plenty of time for dating.'

😮🙄🤮
Literally no words.