To think that there is a want in a woman who stays with a man who has no interest in his kids?

[littlerednumber]

Just that really. My exh has no interest in our kids. Two wITH SEN.
Doesn't see them, doesn't text/ call them. Pays minimal maintenance £40 per week per child.
I'm perplexed that his latest , and indeed , all of his past partners over last few years find him in any way attractive knowing this. What type of person could respect a man like that. We know he is a twat but as a mother herself, I can't get my head round it.
AIBU?

Where they don't have kids, I think no 4 is the most likely factor. I would be devastated to have to live away from my child even on a 50/50 basis (though I know that lots of people have no choice and am not criticising anyone who's in that position) but I don't think I would have even begun to understand that before I was a parent.

I am, unfortunately, in the realm of online dating and that is a major red flag for me if a guy doesn't have a relationship with his kids. In fact there was a guy that I liked pretty well who has three kids and doesn't really see any of them and I ended it because of that. My kids are my primary concern always and I don't want to be with a man who doesn't feel the same way about his own children.

'As a childfree woman who doesn't want kids, it wouldn't bother me if a potential partner didn't care about his kids. Why would it? In fact it's an advantage because it means we're not stuck looking after them.'

Because not caring about your kids is fundamentally extremely selfish. That's his core character. That's why it should bother you.

I think what a lot of people have said is true, these women are probably relieved that your ex doesn’t bother with the children as they don’t want your kids around and they are happy to be your exes priority just have to take a look at the step mums board to see a lot of women don’t want their partners kids around and want them to disappear. I always eye roll when women say “he’s probably got a new girlfriend that’s why he’s suddenly stepping up” as I think most men would be the complete opposite my ex doesn’t see our children and it doesn’t stop him dating.

Yep, second child because then the sh*t gets real: mum feeding the baby, dad expected to step up & deal with the toddler.
Plus the extra expense, extra hassle etc etc.

I often think my exH & I would still be together if we had only had one child. He was as keen as me to have two but has since admitted it was much harder than he expected.

Literally my entire point is that exercising judgement is the reason that I’ve not been in this position. Women should be more judgemental, not less.

i’d have thought you’d be best placed to answer that OP given you were with him for years and had two children with him

Unless he was an oscar winning actor up until birth of second child OP

and then despite him “roaring” at babies / toddlers… you stuck around for two years until he became a sex pest

None of the women who have dated him since then have had a child with him or married him…. so there’s sense there

They won’t know he’s a useless father will they 🫤

Completely disagree. Still want a man who shares my morals. If he can do that to his own kids, imagine what he can do to me!

I have come full circle with this, I was 19, met a guy with kids (13 and 14) but he didn't see them because the mum was a psycho, she was only after him to get pregnant and take all his money blag blah.

Guess who's the psycho who doesn't let him see his kids and was only after him for the vast, vast quantities of CMS he pays? Yip, that would be me.

His new wife laps it all up as well, bloody fool she is. Thankfully I made him get the snip before we parted so he doesn't inflict his shitty parenting on anyone else.

I would expect that a woman who prefers to be childfree might find a man who has visibly and publicly opted out of fatherhood to be a lower risk life partner than a man who says he doesn’t know if he wants kids or not. Women who want to be child free do complain about men who change their minds and leave them for a woman and then proceeds to have kids with her.

Your Ex is an obvious case of a man who isn’t going to suddenly want a baby.

I can see the logic (albeit it makes me shudder) but I think very often the opposite happens and men who abandon the first set of kids are actively keen to have more with the next woman (and often, that woman is then for some reason surprised that he’s still a useless devoid of morality waste of space to the new kids).

Mine had several affairs and the women he was seeing were generally not the best mothers themselves. People who have affairs don’t put their children front and centre. They are self absorbed and selfish people.
He is now middle aged and with a woman whose own children are estranged from her because of her affair (with the bloke before my ex!).
They seem happy enough and she is most welcome to him. I have the children of course.

No its not because you are judgemental that's not why you are in this position its because you are lucky. Some men are very good at hiding their nature and change till they have had children, even with people who wait 10 years before they have kids and all of sudden their partner walk out. Just an example or some who are in abusive relationship stay, or just can't afford to leave cause of finance of family pressure so many examples. In this op case he became asshole when she had her children. Educate yourself, till you are in someone shoes you have no right to judge. This forum should be here to support other woman not to put down pointless comment which literally blames the woman for being treated like this. Which you clearly have in this message

Exactly

I can’t get my head around the OP starting this thread wondering about other women…. when she stayed with him for years and had two children with him and then stayed with him for 2 more years despite him being abusive to two very young children / baby.

None of these women that the Op is wondering about have stayed with him for years and none of them have had children with him.

And how the heck do these women know what he’s like as a dad.

The OP knew however!
Really weird

The obvious answer is that new woman likes all the things op originally like about her exh before discovering he's a crap father. Maybe he's really good looking, funny, entertaining, charming.

But... a lousy father

The biggest issue is that women are raised on a Disney induced set of values to look for in a partner & parenting abilities don't feature. Until you have kids yourself most women honestly don't even know what they are looking for on that front.

I disagree on every single one of those points, but if you want to hector someone that “the forum should be used to support other women”, feel free to direct your ire at OP 🤷🏻‍♀️

But middle parking no one knows when the nice guy they met becomes an asshole when faced with the realities of marriage and children. Not all people show their bad side early on

I think very often the opposite happens and men who abandon the first set of kids are actively keen to have more with the next woman

I think an element is age based. I know a few couples where the woman pushed the bloke to have kids in their twenties, when he basically just did not yet want them. The relationship breaks down because he resents the family responsibilities.Ten years later he's 37, regrets it all, realises he wants the wife & 2 kids and starts over.

Clearly he should make more effort with the kids he's already got but a lot of people don't like facing up to mistakes/regrets and want to forget them.

Ugh. Something so chilling about this post. You sound lovely.

What does your post even mean Middleparking?
I don't get your agenda here but you clearly have one.

Often true colours don't come out until pregnancy.

OP sometimes they lie of course but other times these women are lacking a moral compass and just don't give a shit.

Well done for leaving op. My Mum stayed with a man who was like this... no interest in us as kids, saw us as a chore, spent no time with us. Our Dad.

I briefly dated a guy who was in town to rent out his house. His two kids were 100s of miles away.
but over a month or so the plan changed. He might air bnb the house instead so he could still stay there. Then he said he would go back once a month to see his kids, and work remotely.

I was really concerned that I was the reason he was making a big life change and didn’t approve of his plan to see his children infrequently, so I ended it.