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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To send this to the parents of the kids who are being horrid to my Y9 son every day

78 replies

Spondoolie · 04/10/2024 21:37

Do you realise that your child is nasty and cruel to my child every single day? Is that the kind of child you wanted to release into the world? Do you realise that you child makes fun of and is vile to my child just to entertain themself?

OP posts:
Avici · 04/10/2024 22:10

Namechangetotalkaboutmysleepingpillsproblem · 04/10/2024 21:47

To be honest, my DS told me that when he was 8 or 10 he used to bully his now best friend. If his mother had said this to me I would have been absolutely horrified and set him straight. The boy beat my son up one day and they became friends after that

Wait what? How old is your son now?

Renamed · 04/10/2024 22:37

They may or may not give a shit, they might not even know. Wouldn’t it be more grown up to approach the school about any bullying behaviour and have them inform the parents?

Intheband · 04/10/2024 22:45

I understand your pain, after watching that poison pen letter movie recently I’d dreamt about cutting letters out of the paper and sending my DD bully’s mum - your daughter is an evil bitch.

I won’t but so tempting!

BeNavyCrab · 04/10/2024 22:46

Id really advise you not to do this. It can backfire massively because there's parents who don't want to believe that their children do anything wrong and others who have lost authority over them and will see it as a problem for school to deal with. Then there are the awful parents who think it's perfectly fine to bully and that it's the victim being "weak", so deserves it. This then can emboldened the bully into "getting them back" for telling on them or feeling like they have their parents approval.

Unfortunately you have to be persistent with school and make sure they are following through with stamping it out. It can be worth looking for a good martial arts club or self defense classes. Bullies pick on people who they think are weak and having the confidence and ability to protect themselves can stop them being seen as a target. Martial arts are not about being aggressive but being able to judge a situation, gain confidence and discipline, defence, as well as an indomitable spirit.

User37482 · 04/10/2024 22:49

I honestly wouldn’t trust the parents to be rational about this. Go through school. I’m sorry OP, it’s heartbreaking, kids can be really horrible. I hope your son is ok.

MaybeItsBecauseImALodoner · 04/10/2024 22:50

MidnightPatrol · 04/10/2024 21:49

I’d be less emotional.

‘Hello Sarah. Tom tells me Harry has been unkind to him every day over the last few weeks, it’s really affecting him. Can we chat? He’s starting to say he doesn’t want to go to school as a result, thanks Jane”

I agree with this, If a parent sent me this message I'd 100 per cent get back to them.

theotherfossilsister · 04/10/2024 22:50

If I got that message I’d be genuinely upset and want to talk and find out what was going on. I was bullied badly at school as I’m autistic and have a speech defect and it’s really changed the way I trust people.

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:52

@Spondoolie Do it. I was HORRENDOUSLY bullied in high school and nobody defended me. My parents were the "it happens in every school" type and didn't give two shits that I was so terrified, I left school every day after registration. It got so bad I left school in year 10 and didn't do my GCSEs. Nobody cared.
It makes me so sad to see all these posters urging you not to defend your child.

redalex261 · 04/10/2024 22:58

Don’t send it. Get the school to deal with the bullying. Don’t let them deflect or fob you off. Consider if there’s any steps you could take to help your son stand up for himself a bit. If you send that message you’ll look unhinged, they’ll be indignant and not believe their treasure would be anything less than kind to their classmates. They’ll tell their kids who will just torment your son all the more about needing mummy to defend him.

Franjipanl8r · 04/10/2024 23:01

Don’t bother with the school or with sending polite messages. Corner the children directly after school and threaten them. Sometimes the only way your child knows that you’ve got their back is to go nuclear on the situation and just deal with the repercussions.

Franjipanl8r · 04/10/2024 23:02

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:52

@Spondoolie Do it. I was HORRENDOUSLY bullied in high school and nobody defended me. My parents were the "it happens in every school" type and didn't give two shits that I was so terrified, I left school every day after registration. It got so bad I left school in year 10 and didn't do my GCSEs. Nobody cared.
It makes me so sad to see all these posters urging you not to defend your child.

That is so sad and shocking, I’m really sorry you suffered in that way.

BeNavyCrab · 04/10/2024 23:02

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:52

@Spondoolie Do it. I was HORRENDOUSLY bullied in high school and nobody defended me. My parents were the "it happens in every school" type and didn't give two shits that I was so terrified, I left school every day after registration. It got so bad I left school in year 10 and didn't do my GCSEs. Nobody cared.
It makes me so sad to see all these posters urging you not to defend your child.

This is such a heartbreaking thing to happen to anyone and I am horrified that nobody helped you. Just to be clear, I'm definitely not saying the the OP shouldn't support her child, just that I don't think the letter to the parents would be the most effective way to do it!

Personally I would never stop supporting a child who was being bullied, whether they were mine or not. Id also make sure that they knew they were not the one to blame!

Knowing how relentless and horrible some kids can be, I really hope you are able to overcome the damage they have caused you and imagine that being let down by the people who should have been protecting you is another level of trauma.

Maria1979 · 04/10/2024 23:03

Spondoolie · 04/10/2024 21:45

No. But the are in the form whatsapp group!

Be less emotional in your wordings because the parents will go into defensive mode. Tell them that your son doesn't want to go to school anymore because X constantly puts him down. Can they please try to talk to their son before you will have to take matters further.

I am so sorry OP. Been there with my DS. Tell him you are on his side and you will not give up on this no matter what it takes. I imagine you have talked to school already? If the parents don't step up can you talk to other parents who can help your son by talking to their kids? He needs to know this won't be permanent. Suicides caused by bullying are happening way too often. Atleast your son talks to you. If nothing gives then let him change schools. There is nothing worse than going to a place where you're bullied everyday. I feel for him and for you.

Namechangetotalkaboutmysleepingpillsproblem · 04/10/2024 23:05

Avici · 04/10/2024 22:10

Wait what? How old is your son now?

He's 17 now

Autumnweddingguest · 04/10/2024 23:16

I think it's worth it OP if you can do it very calmly and factually, especially if you think the parents are the type to care and to intervene. You could just say, 'I thought you might want to be aware that your child is doing X on a daily basis to my child. He seems to find it entertaining but to my son it is bullying. Do you want to sort it out with him, because if it doesn't stop today, and for good, I will have to get the school involved.' You can tell a lot about the parents from how they'd react to something like this. But there's usually a reason children bully other children, and that reason often starts at home.

I called some parents once who were bullying DS2. Two sets of parents, who were close friends and their DC were close friends who picked on DS for entertainment. One mum listened, said thank you for letting her know, she'd deal with it. I found out later she'd told her husband and he'd got really angry with his son - shocked that his child could be so cruel to another child.

The other mother said nothing - literally nothing, when I called. When I saw her at school events she just smirked at me. Her son was later expelled for, among other things, selling drugs.

I was interested that the parents who dealt with it helped their son realise what effect he was having on others, and the parents who didn't ended up with a little shit of a drug dealer on their hands.

Tralalalalalah · 04/10/2024 23:20

I have messaged individual parents (got their number off the group WhatsApp) with bullying concerns, including snapshots of messages my DS got from their sons. It was very effective as the parents couldn’t deny the evidence and handled it well. I know their children won’t do it again. But what worked for us was having that specific evidence that left no wriggle room. I wouldn’t send a less specific message as I think it leaves too much room for kids and parents to deny/minimise. I know the advice is to always go via school but the direct to parents approach worked for us.

Avici · 04/10/2024 23:21

Namechangetotalkaboutmysleepingpillsproblem · 04/10/2024 23:05

He's 17 now

My DS was beaten up when he was 10 and rejoices in the fact that this boy got his commupance during secondary. Getting bullied so badly so the point he had to change schools.

DS didn't end up becoming mates with him.

Marblesbackagain · 04/10/2024 23:24

School issue use school system. It is really important to access their supports.

mugboat · 04/10/2024 23:27

I can understand why you want to, but nothing good can come of this. If the kid is cruel, it's very likely his parents' fault and therefore they won't GAS about your letter. At best, they'll ignore it, at worst they'll tell their little darling who will make your kid's life even worse.

Is there a pastoral team at the school? You or your kid should speak to them for help and support.

Sorry this is happening to your child, sounds heartbreaking 🙁

fourelementary · 04/10/2024 23:29

Sorry but you shouldn’t send that. it’s badly written and has errors in it for a start. It’s also a rhetorical question which will get them on the defensive and doesn’t really address the issue or suggest any real solution.

Im sorry your child is being bullied, it’s awful to have them be hurt and sad. So I don’t think you should do nothing. However… something like this might be better-

“I am really worried about Jake as he is saying that a few children of people here in this group have been horrible to him on a daily basis. He doesn’t seem to think there is any real reason behind this- or none he is aware of- but that they seem to be doing it for fun but is is cruel and upsetting him.
Please could everyone be aware of this and perhaps have a chat to their child and ask them to look out for Jake, maybe just suggest that if they are having any issues to talk to a teacher or to a parent. Or if they see anything like this happening to please speak up. I know none of us would like to think our children are upset or hurt at school and that things can get out of hand at this age quite easily.
Thank you”

Namechangetotalkaboutmysleepingpillsproblem · 04/10/2024 23:31

Avici · 04/10/2024 23:21

My DS was beaten up when he was 10 and rejoices in the fact that this boy got his commupance during secondary. Getting bullied so badly so the point he had to change schools.

DS didn't end up becoming mates with him.

Yeah, I just hope it shows that it was quite mild teasing (I know that's still bad) and nothing too horrible for them to be such good friends now although it sounds like my son deserved to be beat up a little by the boy he was mean to

BenditlikeBridget · 04/10/2024 23:36

Ah OP, i’m sorry he’s having a crap time :(

I don’t think that message will achieve what you need to. I’d be more inclined to speak to the teacher tbh. And possibly send a message to a few parents if you know them, more along the lines of

“Hi everyone, I am writing asking for your help. Billy’s been having a hard time recently and it’s starting to really make him dread school. If any of you were able to have a quiet word with your kids and just ask them to subtly look out for him a bit, it would mean so much and i’d be really grateful. Always happy to do the same if anyone else is in need, too!”

And then I’d sneak in and fill their shoes with dog poo during PE

mugboat · 04/10/2024 23:36

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:52

@Spondoolie Do it. I was HORRENDOUSLY bullied in high school and nobody defended me. My parents were the "it happens in every school" type and didn't give two shits that I was so terrified, I left school every day after registration. It got so bad I left school in year 10 and didn't do my GCSEs. Nobody cared.
It makes me so sad to see all these posters urging you not to defend your child.

I don't think anyone here has suggested the OP does nothing, just most are urging her to contact the school over contacting the parents.

Me included, because I suspect the parents won't care that their child is a bully, or will deny it.

I agree something has to be done. If it were my child in this situation, I'd be wanting the sch to sort and if they didn't, I wouldn't hesitate in removing her from that school.

TeamPlaying · 04/10/2024 23:37

Do you know any of them at all?

I don’t think YABU to want to send it, and I think you could send something. But it needs to be something much more specific. If the parents are decent and have no idea, you want to tell them exactly what is happening so they can deal with it. Or the parents may be useless and will totally deny it or ignore it, being specific might make that a bit harder.

loropianalover · 04/10/2024 23:38

I’d go through the school rather than WhatsApp late on a Friday night 😬

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