To think that children shouldn’t be forced to attend birthday parties they don’t want to?

[SereneSloth]

I see parents insisting their kids go to every birthday party, even if the child doesn’t want to. AIBU to believe it’s their choice, and we shouldn’t force them into social situations?

Well, if you don't go to parties, you can't expect people to come to yours. As long as you're fine with that, go ahead

Absolutely not, it's fine to say you can't make it. They may not get invited again, but that's a chance you take.

The only thing that isn't ok is to say you'll go and then not go for flakey reasons.

The word force is quite extreme, but it is our responsibility to teach our kids to think about people other than themselves. To think how upset Sam might be if nobody shows up, how they would feel if it happened to them.

It also depends why they don't want to, I can't think of any really good reasons, tbh, only if they had something else on they would rather be doing. If it is Go Ape and they are scared of heights, for example, then don't force them, that's about all I can think of.

I’ve yet to experience one of my children not wanting to go a party. I believe it’s important to show up for people and be grateful for the invite.

Where do see all these people? Are they having these conversations on the streets? I think it’s best just to do what you think with your own children and leave others to parent how they see fit.

I always ask dd (7) before accepting but once we have accepted I would insist that she goes unless there is a very good reason not to.

Also, if it is a good friend of hers I would strongly encourage her to go as well so the other child is not disappointed unless again she has a good reason for not wanting to go. I don't think there is anything wrong in teaching children that sometimes it is ok to do things thst you don't necessarily love for the sake of others. (And similarly also teaching that sometimes it is necessary to say no or to put yourself first).

Once I’ve accepted the invite, we go. But I’d decline an invite asap if dc didn’t want to go

I think that’s pretty simple!

I've never known DD to not want to go to a party she's been invited to, that's quite unusual isn't it? Surely most kids are excited to go to parties

Nah, I don’t reckon fun needs enforcing. We get invited to so many. In particular there is a gender split when you get to year 2 and many of the boys and girls have solo gender parties. For example a football party isn’t something my DD would want to take part in. Shame tbh as they are mostly drop offs these days.

Ofcourse they shouldn't ! But tbh I've yet to hear about a child not wanting to go to a party🤔

If you accept an invitation then you should go.

If you don't attend parties, you can't expect others to attend yours.

Children should be encouraged to think of others - 'how would you feel if * didn't come to your party?'

When I was young, I went to a whole class party and only 6 children turned up. I felt to bad about it and it was so sad at the time, although the group of us ended up having a lot of fun. We always ensure we attend parties to make it a special day for the birthday child.

• I also have no experience of forcing a child to attend a party 🥳

I have never experienced a child not wanting to go to a birthday party. IME sometimes they can’t go to a party because we have other plans and my child will pressure ME to take them to the party instead!

Did you name change to ask this seemingly innocuous question OP? It seems an odd thing to name change for.

If it's something they'll inevitably hate by someone they're not particularly close to then the time for that decision is at replying.

If you've said they're going and it's a last minute wobble, it's normally worth seeing that commitment through.

Bailing on anything at the last moment without a substantial reason is not a good habit to encourage.
Often children can be reluctant and in 5 minutes mellow then get involved and forget their original reticence.

I always ask my kids when they get an invite if they want to go, it's their choice. And it's an invitation, not a summons. I treat it the same way as if I got an invite.

@Maria1979 My son will say he doesn't want to go to so-and-so's party because of XYZ, and that's fine. Why force friendships that aren't there?

ETA: We never bail, we always say from the off that we are 'busy'.

Mine are given the choice when I reply to the invite, but once we've accepted the invitation, they go, even if the didn't fancy it on the day.

💯

My DD has children she likes and dislikes. Some of the children she likes aren't popular in her class and vice versa. So if she doesn't want to go to a party I don't force her to as it is likely the kids she dislikes have plenty of children attending.

How do people have time to go to every one they are invited too? Do people never do other things rather than going to all class parties?

Some parents give very little notice so DD can be busy, or they give sufficient notice but she has a planned day out elsewhere with tickets already purchased.

Though there has been a couple of parties she has not gone to recently because she simply didn't want to go. One she looked ill and was actually ill towards the end of the day, while the other was just a simply "No I'm not going".

No.

Like others have said, I teach my children to honour commitments they’ve made. They have the option to say no when we receive the invite. Once they’ve accepted, there is an expectation they will attend unless unwell. This applies for everything, not just parties.

I also am yet to experience resistance with attending parties though - they are the ones who want me to be superwoman and be in multiple places at once to facilitate them being there!

Ds2 is autistic (although we didn't know that in the days of whole class parties). He hated disco's with a passion and after 1 where he had to be carried out then I politely declined. He would go to the soft play and bowling ones.

I agree with this. Always centring yourself for no good reason - ‘ I don’t feel like going’ - may well have consequences that your average primary school child doesn’t think about. Mine once said he didn’t feel like going. I said ‘what if others say that and few turn up? And then how will you feel if lots don’t come to yours? Have a think about that.’ That was all it took.

On the other hand, if the child had been picking on him and he did not like the child, then I would have politely declined the invite in the first place. Mine were not allowed to be flaky. If they were initially keen to go and we accepted the invite, and then they couldn’t be bothered, and were not ill, they went.