To think that children shouldn’t be forced to attend birthday parties they don’t want to?

[SereneSloth]

I see parents insisting their kids go to every birthday party, even if the child doesn’t want to. AIBU to believe it’s their choice, and we shouldn’t force them into social situations?

DD always used to say she didn't want to go when she was little, because new situations made her feel anxious. Within 5 minutes of getting there she'd be barrelling round with her friends having a great time.

Sometimes kids need a push to go do something they'll enjoy when they get there.

I’ve only read about people on here doing it.

If my child says yes to be a party then they can’t decline for a better offer but they are free to say no. Many parties are whole class parties so my child got an invitation for being in the class rather than because they are friends with the birthday child.

Can't say there has EVER been a party my kid didn't want to go to! Can't imagine what you describe happens very often.

You can't think of any good reasons why they wouldn't want to go? What about if the party child isn't nice to them, if they're violent and your child is scared of them, if they just don't like them? I would never force my DC to socialise with someone who they don't like or isn't nice to them.

Totally agree !!

while my mum didn’t always insist I went to a party she guilted me if I didn’t go !

I always checked with mine before accepting and if it was a child I thought they might not like/know well I would always ask if they were sure.
Once accepted though unless something major happened then I would "make" them go, its very rude otherwise

But why would a child who is unpleasant to them or doesn’t like them invite them to a party in the first place? DS never invited children he disliked to his parties.

I have never experienced this. All the kids I know including my own can’t get enough parties. We have been to 1 per week for the last 6 weeks. I have never had to make my child attend.

Do you mean 'forced' after they've accepted but later changed their mind? If so, yes they should be forced.

When I was 10 I went off parties - but I’d experienced a drunken abusive mother by this age so could this explain my lack of engagement?

I wouldn't make my ds go but I would let them know straight away so they can invite someone else. Tbh it's never happened.

I've been thinking about this recently actually. My eldest loves parties (and play dates). I automatically accept as I know that DS will love them. But my DD has recently started pre school and is incredibly shy. I remember being like this at school and hated parties as they were loud and crazy. She recently had a party invite and wants to go, so I will take her but from experience anywhere loud with lots of strangers she will cry and ask to leave. So I'm expecting that could happen. But in my oldests DC's class, pretty much every child attends parties unless they have something on. I'm not sure I would've wanted to spend 30ish weekends attending parties as a kid. And play dates I'm dreading as right now DD completely refuses to interact with other parents. Hopefully that will change with age.

Sometimes children can be unpleasant to others but not realise the other child doesn't like them for it, or sometimes they are whole call parties and all the class gets invited. My DC has been invited to parties of children she doesn't like so doesn't want to go.

My two dc had very different approach to parties

1. goes to the opening of an envelope - if they heard a sniff there was a party they’d want to be there and would be asking if I’d got an invite

2. was more discerning in their party choices all invites fell into 3 categories: did not like child firm no, child close friend firm yes, all other children - what’s the party? Activity dependent yes or no.

Discussed in privacy of own home - always RSVP promptly with yes please no thank you

Never any issues with attendees for either child’s parties.

Never didn’t want to go once said yes as they’d made the decision

No reason to force anyone to a social engagement

My DD has never not wanted to go to a party. But I wouldn't make her go if she didn't want to. MN loves the phrase "invitation not a summons", I don't see why that wouldn't also apply to children.

But I would make her go if I'd asked her, she'd said yes, and I'd RSVP'd on that basis.

But I suppose it's child specific. As I say, she's never not wanted to go to a party. So if there was one she didn't want to go to, I'd assume there was a reason.

I always asked my children if they wanted to go. Often my daughter wold say no thank you especially as many parties clashed with her paid in advance Saturday dance & drama classes.

My two are also ND so sometimes ds in particular would not always make it through an entire party if it got too much. HIs best friend's mum came to me once (best friend was also ND but at the time undiagnosed) & told me that her son wold not cope with the chosen party activity so we made some alterations to accommodate him. If he hadn't felt able to come at all we would have arrnaged an alternative get together.

That will happen very rarely, because they aren't likely to be invited by someone who doesn't like them. It doesn't tally at all with the "meh, do what you want," vibe in the OP. The occasional very specific party with a complex backstory isn't what is being discussed here - it is "every party," and "social situations" in general.

The OP is more about kids making decisions on vague feelings of whether they fancy something or not or whether they should be encouraged slightly out of a comfort zone to socialise.

Lots of children don't like the idea of doing something but enjoy it when they get there and settled.

If DD didn't want to do something I'd ask her to give me 3 reasons, they might be: doesn't like loud music, doesn't like balloons popping, might not like the food. Ear defenders fix no 1 and 2 and taking your own food, keeping a snack in the car they know is there fixes no 3. You go the party everyone is happy. We all have to do things we don't want to in life finding how to make adjustments to enjoy it is more important than bailing at everything you don't want to do

If her reasons were X child pushes me over or something similar we would have a chat, I'd say we could go and I would stay to keep an eye out etc.

My kids refused to go to certain kids parties, the kids who were nasty to them and to others in the class. We definitely wouldn't have forced them to go. We were never the only ones who refused the parties of the kids who were bullies.

Then you decline at invite stage. No issue in that. Just don't accept the bail out

I am really sorry for your experience. I thought we were talking about birthday parties for children and not parties for adults. Did your mother turn up drunk for those as well?😨

No - to be honest she certainly hadn’t been drunk at my birthday parties although she did behave bitchy and spiteful but to be fair I NEVER remember her being drunk at my parties.

Yes this IS a thread about children’s parties - just to make it clear I wasn’t referring to my mum getting drunk at adult adult parties here.

What I meant was because my mum was aggressive/abusuve towards me I went off children’s parties so even when I was invited by my peers I wouldn’t really enjoy them. Also 10 was the age I decided to stop having my own parties even though I was invited to others’ parties. Because of my abusive, alcoholic mum I didn’t care any more if I was accepted or rejected by my peers.

@Ringlet OK, I get it. It's heartbreaking that you seemed to have been depressed at the age of 10. A childhood with an abuser leaves indelible traces, I hope you have got support to help you deal with it.💐

Ah yes - thank you - I’ve been very lucky with the people I’ve met in adulthood ❤️

Depends on the reason, being picked on by the child having the party or if your child struggles in those situations due to ASD etc.
I don’t personally believe giving in to ‘I don’t feel like it’ is good - we grow up not feeling like doing many things but we do them because we should and because it’s the right thing to do. I have seen my sister allow her daughter to not play with certain children because she simply doesn’t want to. If she was my child she’d play with everyone because I wouldn’t have another little girl feel sad due to my daughter not wanting to play for no real reason other than just not being bothered. We were all raised to be polite, and it’s sad to see so many kids with the ‘I don’t have to do that’ attitude now. In life, sometimes you do have to!