To be a bit worried about him finding out about the other guys?

[Cartmansmummy]

I play a sport and we have international tournaments a few times a year.

When I started playing 4 years ago, at the very first tournament, I met a guy based in Dubai and we hit it off. Let’s call him John. Over the next few years, John and I were always together at the tournaments or boot camps and we’d also visit each other fairly often as Dubai isn’t far. It was always very explicitly non exclusive, but great fun when we saw each other and we definitely have strong feelings for each other, but long agreed it would never work because of the distance.

At the end of last year, he got injured and had to have an op and didn’t play in the last tournament in April or come to the summer boot camp. We didn’t lose touch in this time but we just said “hi” once in a while. I gave him a call after the op and sent a gift, but nothing frequent. Always thrilled to talk to him but really just got on with my life.

At both the tournament and the boot camp that he wasn’t at, I slept with other guys (only one per event). It isn’t uncommon at all
for this to happen at the international events and everyone involved was single and consenting. He knows both the guys.

I didn’t really think much of it until John messaged yesterday to say he’s recovered and will be at our winter boot camp, and SURPRISE is coming to London this month for a wedding and can’t wait to see me when he’s here.

I’m ecstatic about seeing him but I had never really thought about how he’d feel about the fact I’d slept with a couple of players in his absence. He certainly won’t feel cheated on or anything, but maybe a bit hurt? He may even ask if I did, as he knows those events get wild. I genuinely didn’t give it any thought at the time. I’m completely single and hadn’t seen him for almost 6 months. Even if we avoid the conversation when he’s here in a few weeks, I’m not sure I can avoid him finding out at bootcamp.

I know no one really has the answer but I’m really stressing about it so wondering how best to handle it.

This one time
At boot camp

I think it’s crown green bowling.

There’s only one way to deal with your uncomfortable feeling - talk about it with John.

And no, the above sentence is NOT a good way to go about this. That sounds like you’re claiming him and blaming him for being bored and just shagged the next best thing. Not very flattering for either of you.

Have a conversation WITH John about what happened and your feelings about it. Yes that sounds relationship-y, but you’ve been having what sounds like an exclusive-only-at-the-tournaments FWB thing going on for 4 years. If John is more than just a fuck buddy and you want to remain friends after you’ve stop shagging each other every time you meet you’re going to have a conversation about your situationship at some stage anyway.

No need for the slut-shaming.
Provided the partner consents OP can sleep with whoever she likes, whenever she likes.
I’m sure there’s a lot of very fit potential sexual partners at these events for her to have a damn good time!

I also need to know the sport - come on, you won’t out yourself OP!!

Is he even single himself?

Personally I think this probably should have come up the first time it happened.

It almost sounds like you want to keep sleepig with this person and if you do want to it indicates you'd like a relationship with them.

If you are sleeping with other people and so are they then noone is doing anything wrong. But it needs to be without getting upset. Getting upset would indicate feelings .
I would get upset if someone did something they knew would hurt my feelings and didn't say anything.

I advise telll them what has happened even if you know it will upset, you don't want them finding out from others.

I find this quite incomprehensible. What is the problem?

Over the years I worked in over 50 countries and slept with God knows how many women. I don't recall ever asking or being asked who they had slept with or vice versa. Very odd. Impolite, in fact.

You may have feelings for each other, but that's another matter.

Very likely he is doing other girls as well.

Do not worry about it.

If he brings it up. It’s a great chance to talk about terms of your “relationship”

I think deep down you want him to feel hurt to validate that he has feelings for you. Even though at the same time you don't want him to know. Is there more to how you feel about this person? I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what you want moving forward.

Sometimes, our thoughts on others' feelings are projections on our own. Like you said, you would feel upset if he had done similar.

Student post?

I would disagree. FWB and non-monogamous relationships rarely last long-term.

So I read this as you wanted more and he doesn’t. You put yourself out there by calling and sending a gift and you got nothing back. He went cold on you. He now thinks he’s sent that message clearly and he can still have sex with you with a clear conscience. You are now going to blame this not going anywhere on the fact you’ve slept with people he knows. This is all a waste of time. Forget him. It’s not going to happen. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.

That’s not always the case, and anyway, relationships don’t have to last long term for them to be positive.

Not sure what you are concerned about OP, to him you are good for a shag, to you he is good for a shag - the whole set up seems quite un-edifying and grim, if on the other hand fun and hedonistic, but totally incompatible with feelings - as soon as one party develops them it is time for them to step aside, because the others don't have and don't care.

Not sure how old you are OP, but your consideration of all this, to my mind, suggests you are young, but are now growing up, starting to consider serious relationships and what you might look for, what people think etc.. If that's the case, that's normal, the promiscuity and hedonism that exists in many of us through late teens into 20's usually fades to duller, but reliable and reassuring monogamy.

This is absolutely 100% incorrect. I never said any of this? He was thrilled with the gift and we chatted lots after. He sent me a birthday gift after that. But there were no declarations of love or plans to meet up. We are both busy people who catch up via text when we can.

Nowhere have I said I am looking for a relationship with this man or have feelings for him that aren’t reciprocated. Literally nowhere.

@Cartmansmummy why are you posting and so bothered then?

Because you don’t have to have romantic feelings for someone to worry about their feelings.

And furthermore you can have some level of romantic feelings for someone while still not wanting a relationship with them.

Emotions are not binary.

So you’re hoping he has some romantic feeling even though he doesn’t want a relationship with you? You should want more for yourself. How old are you op? This sounds young and idealistic. You won’t get anywhere with men feeling sorry for them. It’s a massive waste of energy investing any feelings let alone sending gifts when the guy doesn’t want to date you.

You've done nothing wrong but I actually think you really like him and don't want to hurt/upset him because that's how you'd feel if he had slept with someone else at the tournament. Its almost like you're not exclusive when you're apart but the tournaments are your time together.

He also has some traits that I do not want in a long term partner

Like a tendency to hook up with random women he meets at tournaments? Yeah, i could see that being a bit of a downer. 😂

You're overthinking this. You don't need to know who else he's shagged, he doesn't need to know yours. It shouldn't even be a discussion mainly because at least one of you will probably be lying.

I get where you are coming from, but would prefer to be upfront tell him myself, rather than have it come out from someone else at random to deal with later.

If he doesn’t appreciate the honestly or heads up from you, that’s then on him.

I started to feel you were over invested in this man when you said the hook ups span four years. Seriously time wasted on a bloke who is not interested in going out with you? Presents and worrying about other team informing him says to me you have strong feelings. You might be devastated when he drops you for someone else. Blokes don’t worry about distance if they think you’re the one. Move on and get a real relationship.

Well you shouldn’t feel hurt if your relationship is mutually agreed to be non inclusive. Egos and feelings are not really compatible with these kinds of arrangements.

Emotions might not be binary but non exclusive hook ups pretty much are, as in you’re either ok with them or you’re not.