To be a bit worried about him finding out about the other guys?

[Cartmansmummy]

I play a sport and we have international tournaments a few times a year.

When I started playing 4 years ago, at the very first tournament, I met a guy based in Dubai and we hit it off. Let’s call him John. Over the next few years, John and I were always together at the tournaments or boot camps and we’d also visit each other fairly often as Dubai isn’t far. It was always very explicitly non exclusive, but great fun when we saw each other and we definitely have strong feelings for each other, but long agreed it would never work because of the distance.

At the end of last year, he got injured and had to have an op and didn’t play in the last tournament in April or come to the summer boot camp. We didn’t lose touch in this time but we just said “hi” once in a while. I gave him a call after the op and sent a gift, but nothing frequent. Always thrilled to talk to him but really just got on with my life.

At both the tournament and the boot camp that he wasn’t at, I slept with other guys (only one per event). It isn’t uncommon at all
for this to happen at the international events and everyone involved was single and consenting. He knows both the guys.

I didn’t really think much of it until John messaged yesterday to say he’s recovered and will be at our winter boot camp, and SURPRISE is coming to London this month for a wedding and can’t wait to see me when he’s here.

I’m ecstatic about seeing him but I had never really thought about how he’d feel about the fact I’d slept with a couple of players in his absence. He certainly won’t feel cheated on or anything, but maybe a bit hurt? He may even ask if I did, as he knows those events get wild. I genuinely didn’t give it any thought at the time. I’m completely single and hadn’t seen him for almost 6 months. Even if we avoid the conversation when he’s here in a few weeks, I’m not sure I can avoid him finding out at bootcamp.

I know no one really has the answer but I’m really stressing about it so wondering how best to handle it.

I don’t think she’s thinking she’s done something wrong. I think she’s simply worried how he will take it. And as much as I don’t disagree it’s his problem if he thinks less of her for it, she fairly clear if the shoe was on the other foot she’d not be happy about it.

its difficult, as this isn’t about slut shaming at its core or doing something wrong. Or being mutually exclusive. It’s about two people who always sleep together at these events. And when one doesn’t turn up to two, thr other sleeps with other people They both know. A lot of people would find that a little difficult. Even if they had no right to be, it kinda makes it look like amy warm body will do.

Man, I’ve lived a sheltered life

Exactly exactly this. You’ve summed it up exactly.

I’m guessing beach volleyball. That would make sense, otherwise I’m chin scratching.

I can see why you're apprehensive about him 'finding out' and can understand what you mean when you say you would be hurt if you found he'd slept with someone else at the event.
Even though the two of you aren't exclusive, when it comes to these tournaments, you sort of are when in that environment. So, you both sleep with other people as you are both single and lead separate lives, but at a tournament, it's become an unwritten rule that that space is yours and you only sleep with each other whilst there.
No advise unfortunately, just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from x

A complete non-issue unless you're planning on him 'finding out' for the drama, surely? You're single. Adults shag. So what?

@Cartmansmummy

or he could just say 'we're not exclusive, none of my business'

When you slept with the other guys, did they know about John and were they bothered? Do people keep tabs on who’s with who? I’m thinking it might never come up with John. Also, if not close teammates, then is it any different to sleeping with other people when you’re not on tournament.

PS - is the sport as adventurous when you’re training here as well?

Perhaps you should have thought about this before? I would be honest if he asks. Much worse if you lie about it and he finds out.

She’s literally already said that.

Would you go back to the others though? You don't want him to think any warm body would do, but it doesn't sound like thats what's going on here. The others were someone in the moment, original guy there's connection there, and someone you want to get back with again. The other men aren't comparable, its someone who's fine for a one night stand versus someone you get on really well with and enjoy spending time with and want to see again.

I’m more interested in wtf this sport is.

Just don’t say anything.

Are you also a bit scared that he won't care because it will mean you're not actually special to him? Fuckbuddies relationships get messy so easily.

If you are worried about his reaction I'd tell him when you see him rather than leave him to find out.

I'd be put off sleeping with anyone who does locker room banter after.

Snake wrestling?

This sounds more like the awkwardness of being in a room with multiple people you've had hook ups with at the same time, who all know each other and what you look like naked. It's the kind of thing that's fine when you're a student but gets cringey as you get older

So it’s rugby sevens right

It’s ultimate frisbee.

So basically you're not capable of going to one of these "tournaments" without shagging someone? If the first guy isn't there, someone else will do? No, I don't think he'll be impressed, he'll feel used.

It’s sailing I bet

I think there’s a difference between being non exclusive generally because you live in different countries and a relationship wouldn’t work, and being non exclusive in the context where you are physically together, ie shagging multiple people he knows when he can’t make it through injury. I would definitely find that hurtful in his position. Also, this thread reminds me of Challengers!

Many people have FWBs or practice non monogamy and are perfectly happy. You’re projecting your own opinions onto other people’s lives.

Knowing how men talk in the changing room, then the exact thing you are worried about is likely to happen. “Did you know Cartmansmummy was shagging the other players while you were recovering from your injury??!!”

You have been entirely honest here on Mumsnet and I think that’s exactly how you have to be with him now, before the next event.
Tell him what happened but also tell him how you are feeling OP as that is even more important.
You aren’t clear about whether you want something from this or whether it’s your reputation you are worried about, but if you think this affair (or whatever you might call it) with him has any chance of becoming something more serious and if that’s what you want, then be upfront with him from this moment.
Good luck !