To be a bit worried about him finding out about the other guys?

[Cartmansmummy]

I play a sport and we have international tournaments a few times a year.

When I started playing 4 years ago, at the very first tournament, I met a guy based in Dubai and we hit it off. Let’s call him John. Over the next few years, John and I were always together at the tournaments or boot camps and we’d also visit each other fairly often as Dubai isn’t far. It was always very explicitly non exclusive, but great fun when we saw each other and we definitely have strong feelings for each other, but long agreed it would never work because of the distance.

At the end of last year, he got injured and had to have an op and didn’t play in the last tournament in April or come to the summer boot camp. We didn’t lose touch in this time but we just said “hi” once in a while. I gave him a call after the op and sent a gift, but nothing frequent. Always thrilled to talk to him but really just got on with my life.

At both the tournament and the boot camp that he wasn’t at, I slept with other guys (only one per event). It isn’t uncommon at all
for this to happen at the international events and everyone involved was single and consenting. He knows both the guys.

I didn’t really think much of it until John messaged yesterday to say he’s recovered and will be at our winter boot camp, and SURPRISE is coming to London this month for a wedding and can’t wait to see me when he’s here.

I’m ecstatic about seeing him but I had never really thought about how he’d feel about the fact I’d slept with a couple of players in his absence. He certainly won’t feel cheated on or anything, but maybe a bit hurt? He may even ask if I did, as he knows those events get wild. I genuinely didn’t give it any thought at the time. I’m completely single and hadn’t seen him for almost 6 months. Even if we avoid the conversation when he’s here in a few weeks, I’m not sure I can avoid him finding out at bootcamp.

I know no one really has the answer but I’m really stressing about it so wondering how best to handle it.

well he might, as you’d probably judge him, and yes he will likely be told. I’d just own it , don’t mention it, it’s none of his business, and if he judges he judges, you can’t change it,

Then you want a deeper relationship that you currently have. As it is, no one has a right to be hurt about other hookups.

Consider what you actually want, or you could certainly end up feeling upset and hurt.

Honestly I didn't know I needed to play a sport with international tournaments and wild sex before, but suddenly I desperately need this in my life 😂

Theoretically you’re right, but I’m with the op, in real life if I had a fwb and the couple of times I didn’t turn up they shagged one of my mates, I’d prob be a little upset. Might not have a right to, but I can see her concern.

I absolutely don’t want a proper relationship with him.

If we had an ideal world where we both lived nearby and didn’t have jobs and other lives, I could see us dating. But after 4 years I am long at peace with that being the case. He also has some traits that I do not want in a long term partner.

I don’t think that has to be mutually exclusive with me feeling hurt if he’d slept with someone we both knew. I’d say it’s a normal reaction, even if it isn’t justified.

Me too, I agree.

😂

I think I would be transparent but not go bragging.

If he has a problem then he feels a sense of entitlement which you feel is unwarranted. If he feels a pang- then so what. He’s an adult, he can deal with it, or he’s a child and can’t- in which case you can choose to dodge the bullet.

He can feel his feelings, but he has zero entitlement to feel annoyed at you.

I would be practicing “Incredulous” just in case.

i’m not outing the sport as people might spot me but genuinely if you have the desire and you’re sporty, do it!

Then your only other option is to preempt this and tell him you've shagged a couple of the others in the past 6 months.

Only you know how you could work that into a conversation but surely doable with a light, jokey tone?

If you're sure he is doing the same and there's no exclusivity hinted at then meh. Try and park this one where it belongs - at the back of your mind

It is actually mutually exclusive. It would be fine to feel awkward e.g in a situation when 3 of you doing something together but you word “hurt” implies different feelings and confuses.

That is your view but it doesn’t make it a fact.

I think I’d have a conversation with him and just get it out there.

Yes, it’s going to an awkward few minutes but that’s so much better than having it niggling at you constantly until the next event, and then not even being sure if someone said something, what he knows, what he’s thinking ….

hey John! Are you going to feel weird about me sleeping with other guys at the last event?

cringe. Job done

This is brilliant. I can see myself doing this,
although only if he asks or finds out.

Like “yeah, bloody right I did. I was drunk and bored and it was rubbish so can you make sure you don’t miss any more tournaments!”

Perfect!!

Ah yikes op, I’m not sure that will go as well as you think as the difference here is you shagged his team mates. It would be like him shagging yours. Would you react well to that comment. Really?

They weren’t his teammates, just players from other teams that we both know.

But yes, I feel like he’d be ok with this for sure, vs any other way I might present it.

Well then let him feel it. Anything else is double standards. Maybe he’ll realise he wants to be exclusive with you if he finds it that hurtful.

Ok then it was never worth being worried if a joke will see him not caring who you slept with.

This is exactly why FWB or non-monogamy doesn’t work. No one is inherently comfortable with the idea of a sexual partner sleeping with other people at the same time - we’re genetically wired to feel like this for the sake of our health! Yet people pretend it’s all fine and dandy and it’s what they want.

OP, I think you’re counting your chickens before they’ve hatched. He might never find out, and if he does, he has no right to express his hurt to you as you are non-exclusive.

Whatever you decide to say please don't apologise or try to explain. Own what you have done/do as in the end of the day you are single and can do whatever you want.

Sorry my post came across badly. Obviously.

I meant that you are worrying about it because you would. Its because you wouldn’t be happy if it was him.

You are panicking over nothing. He may not care (you may find the disappointing though) or accept they are the terms and accept it.

You are worrying about how he will react, needlessly, you are over thinking it. I over think things to. I assume that if I think things are a big deal others will too and anticipate a big reaction, when it turns out not to be a big deal.

At the time of sleeping with these men you were happy to do so and didn’t believe you were doing anything wrong. Because you weren’t. You have nothing to explain or apologise for. And worrying about how he will react won’t change how he reacts.

If he is bothered by it, he is bothered by it. If he cools things he cools things. That’s up to him. But stressing yourself won’t change that.

Despite having read all your follow-up posts, I still can't really understand why this it's a problem that you have slept with other people when you aren't in a relationship with 'John' and you both know that everyone in your mystery sport shags each other all the time. This is literally no issue here. You are simply doing with him what you both do with other people all the time.

If I had the chance to shag my way through a team of athletes at will, I think I'd be enjoying myself too much to waste valuable headspace on this sort of angst.

I expect that in the last four years this great guy has had sex with several other women, including some you know or could have known. You are not committed to an exclusive relationship and that’s what you need to remember. You both get to have consenting fun with each other and others.

Why should you tell him? You said it was a pretty standard thing for people to hook up at these events and you and him were never exclusive.
Either way if he's got an issue with it then it's red flag central.
If he wants exclusivity with you then he should ask, if you want the same then fine. But it was never framed in that way to start with so the past is just that. You've done nothing wrong.