Expecting my new partner to accept our amicable relationship?

[Jeany1967]

Hi everyone,

Just a short back story and I'll include everything to try and get a factual opinion from you all :-)

I was married to my ex husband for 13 years and we have two children. He is a great father but slowly over the 13 years we grew apart. We were very different people and I think the thing that made up my mind was that he wasn't there for me and wasn't supportive when I lost my Mum and never understood the very close relationship I had with her (almost to the point of jealousy I want to say). I don't think this makes him a bad person, he just didn't get it and would never try and understand why I did so much for her. I suppose I grew to resent him and slowly over the 13 years I fell out of love with him and didn't want to grow old with him. I just knew it wasn't right.

I knew I was attracted to women from an early age but I met my husband and fell in love with him. We got engaged, kids followed and the rest is history.

I met a woman who I had so much in common with, who I was immensely attracted to and I knew I wanted to take things further. I spoke to my husband and told him that I wanted to separate and that I had feelings towards women. He took it very hard. He would always joke about me being gay but deep down I think he thought I wouldn't pursue it. We stayed living together (but didn't have a relationship) and then he found out that I was in a relationship with the this woman. She has two children from her previous marriage and the kids all get on so well.

My husband has made it clear to our children that he doesn't want to hear about my new partner (or her children) to the point where our children have stated that he 'hates them'. He would never use the word hate but our children have picked up on this animosity and think that he hates them. He blames the woman for our marriage ending (I have told him numerous times that she isn't the reason) but he won't accept it.

My ex and I have always been amicable around the children. We would do things together as a family of 4 even after I moved out and the kids benefitted from this I think. It's our son's birthday next weekend and I don't know what to do. My ex knows I'm in a new relationship but has asked me if we can spend the day together as a family for our son. My new partner has never understood why we continue to do things as a family and thinks it's giving our children the wrong message.

Our son would enjoy it if we were all together but I don't think he'd mind if we did things separately over the weekend either (with his Dad one day and with me and my new partner and her children the other day). It's my ex who says he wants to do it for our son.

Do I go and do something as a family and keep my ex and my son happy (and upset my new partner) or do I arrange something separately to keep my new partner (and my son who would be just as happy) happy?

Is it too much to expect everyone to just get along? I'm even thinking of arranging something (soft play/trampoline party) and just inviting everyone and just tell them both to get along for the sake of our son?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

Your kids come first, and that shows.
Don't let new parter change that, your kids seem aware of the situation and families come in all shape and sizes.

How long have you been with your new partner and do you live together? Does your son feel like he’s a part of a separate family with you, your partner and her kids? If not, I’d either spend the birthday with just my son or son and ex. I think a child's birthday might not be the best time to set an example if it’s going to make the son uncomfortable in any way. You can do that with just general family outings instead. I know you say he’d be fine either way but if he knows it would upset his dad it might be better to wait a little.

I think the time to do things 'as a family' has come to an end. Even when successfully co-parenting you're not a family any more.

So I don't see why you shouldn't do things separately and just be co-operative over things you need to discuss/do for the benefit of your children.

How long have you been with your new partner?

And more importantly, when did you introduce your kids to them?

If my ex wasnt a toxic abusive person I would definitely love to spend time as a family for my kids where on birthdays you all get to spend time as a family and I think this would actually send a positive message to your kids that even though two people who aren't married still can get along in a good way.

Life doesn’t always go the way we wish. It’s great that you’ve rediscovered your long-lost desires and found peace with them, but it’s important to recognize that these were your choices and decisions, not his. From what I've gathered, you developed feelings for someone else while still married, and while that’s understandable, it raises questions about the commitment you made for 13 years and the children involved.

Navigating one’s sexual orientation can indeed be confusing, but it’s essential to consider the impact of those feelings before entering a long-term relationship. It seems unfair to reshape your reality and then expect him to simply accept it. We all have our differences, and while those can be difficult, they also highlight the importance of compromise and effort in a relationship.

It appears that you prioritized your own happiness over trying to mend your relationship, essentially replacing it without making any concessions. Not everyone would be comfortable with the idea of accepting a lover, and it’s crucial to acknowledge the complexities involved in such situations.
finally, regarding the kids opinions! Children always follow their mothers lead, you dont have to be vocal for them to be influenced, maybe keep them neutral?
It appear that your ex husband is a nice person, he might accept your terms out of love and courtesy, but the question is, would you push him to do that when knowing he's not doing it willingly?

I think it's great that your ex and you can cone together as a family for your children, and your partner needs to accept that.

It would be good to get to a stage where your ex and partner can all be together at an event, for the sake of your children, but as a PP said, your sons birthday probably isn't the best time to have everone together for the first time, as it could stress your son out.

Can you have a get togethet at Halloween, with all the kids and adults?

Also depends what age are the kids? Bit different if they are 5 or 20?

This is what people mean by the wrong message. Kids obviously like pretending that you are a together family for the day but the down side is that it’s unusual tor new and old partners to get along well enough to want this.

Your problem is not just new partner (which you mention in the title ) Your ex doesn’t want your partner there and if you include her then the resulting day will be ruined by your ex creating an atmosphere.

Do you want further children with your partner ? Is there a chance that he’d have more kids or have stepkids ? You can’t raise the children separately like this.

Speaking as a man who's wife threw him out to then start a relationship with another woman, I'd have to say you are not in the wrong. Your marriage is over and you are making a new life for yourself and your children, this does not and cannot include your ex. It's his problem, not yours. Personally I'd advise to stop trying to do things "as a family", because quite bluntly you AREN'T a family any more. Find your own happiness first, and stop worrying about his

What would make YOU happy?

The options that you've outlined in your port seem to be -

Doing something as a family with the ex

Doing something with your new partner and kids

However you've not really covered a third option which is doing something with your son (and any other children) or said what your son would prefer. You've said your son gets on with your partners kids, but 'getting on' isn't the same as 'I see them as best mates / close family'. If they just 'get on well' then I wouldn't be making my child spend their birthday with my new partner and their children, unless they'd chose to anyway (given a completely free choice, not choose it to avoid upsetting mum).

What would make your son happy? It's his birthday, what does he want?

Son comes a million miles before a new partner so if it would make him happy on his birthday, then that should be your priority.

A new partner who is too selfish and insecure to understand that a child’s feelings matter more than theirs does not deserve to be considered.

Your title's all wrong. It's not the supposedly amicable relationship you have with your ex that's the problem

For a start, you're expecting your new partner to accept ex's attitude towards her.

To be honest, he's kind of got a point. So far as he was concerned, she was the Affair Partner (and she knew you were married, oh they all say it's a marriage in name only, you only jumped ship when you had somewhere to go...). He doesn't want to have anything to do with the person who was the cause of his marriage breaking up. He hasn't tried to stop the children spending time with her, he just doesn't want to hear about it.

So yes, if she wants to continue the relationship with you she'll have to put up with that (and hope he's got over it by the time they graduate or marry or whatever). And yes, she should be glad you have an amicable co-parenting situation.

However my second point is that what you're describing is not a co-parenting situation. It's one where your ex doesn't appear to have accepted your split. And that she should not be happy about.

I'm even thinking of arranging something (soft play/trampoline party) and just inviting everyone and just tell them both to get along for the sake of our son?

Thats a terrible idea and would likely spoil his birthday.

I don’t think what you’re doing is admirable at all. I think it sounds unhealthy and sending the wrong message to the children and your ex by pretending to be a family still and not being allowed to even mention your new partner and her children.

How old are your DC? I don't think there's anything wrong with you and your ex doing things together with the DC, but I would be very careful NOT to refer to it as 'family outings' or 'as a family', especially if your DC are young. And although it's wrong, I can see your new partner not being comfortable with things being referred to as 'family outings', either. Because technically you are no longer 'a family', your DC have '2 families'. Depending on your DCs ages, this could be confusing for them or lead them to believe that you may get back together with their dad.

As long as you are comfortable with these outings, fine. But there is also nothing wrong with completely separate celebrations, either.

It's a good thing that you and their dad are able to coparent cooperatively. Your DP has no right to demand or expect that to change. If she doesn't like it, then she needs to break it off and find someone else.

How new is your relationship with your partner op?

Tbh I agree with others on here that what your son wants is the priority here. Your partner should understand that. And your ex too. All of you should be adults and working together to make this as simple and uncomplicated as possible for your son.

It’s not a question of you deciding to please or hurt one or the other. It’s much more simple than that; you do what your son wants full stop.

And as far as your ex is concerned, I have sympathy for him tbh, you need to give him time. He is obviously feeling very bruised and hurt and rejected and you need to give him the opportunity to heal.

The children are what is important here.

First off I would tell Ex that the children are getting a bad vibe from him towards your new partner and you will cease all contact with him, except via email if he doesn't get his shit together and fake it till he makes it in front of the children.

To your new partner,....your relationship with your ex and how you manage it in front of your children is none of her business.
You have every right to put your children's wants first on their birthday etc.

I would make it very clear that you will not be brow beaten or controlled by her.

Is this relationship really for you?

You are putting too much focus on your new partner. He doesn’t have to accept your new partner and he doesn’t have to have anything to do with her- that’s your business
she is also the affair partner, and if it was the other way round, i.e. a man trying to force the new woman on you, everyone would be up in arms
There’s nothing wrong with spending time together as a family you and your ex-husband. I disagree with the post above whether you are in a relationship or not- You are still family
If you’re secure in your new relationship, your partner should be okay with that too
I wouldn’t force a new (affair) partner on my ex and just tell him to get on with her

The "doing things as a family" technically should have ended when your relationship and therefore the family unit did.
I'm more inclined to side with your partner, how long are you going to "pretend" to be a happy family on occasions, does that include Christmas? If you can do separate things at Christmas you can do separate things for other occasions also.
Once he has a partner and manages to move on, I doubt it will take long for the "family things" to change. One rule for you and another for him.
You can still be amicable and get along, do that for the sake of your children. Your life now doesn't involve their father so neither should your celebrations.

I split from my eldest dad when he was one, we spent the next Christmas and birthday together and then did our own thing. He got used to it very quickly and we are amicable enough that we share plan ideas etc but never take over either day

You're not a family with your ex anymore. Your ex does not accept your partner and speaks badly about her. Your children are old enough to understand that you and their father are no longer a couple. Being amicable with your ex is great. Pretending to be a family when you're not, especially when he actively disrespects your partner, isn't.

My new partner has never understood why we continue to do things as a family and thinks it's giving our children the wrong message. I actually agree. You're seperated. So seperate.

From his point if view you deceived him now it's proven that you preferred women all along. Now I see he doesn't want to hear about your new partner and her kids! Poor man.

Why not show your son that you and their father can spend time with him on his birthday instead of forcing the new partner on everyone?

To your new partner,....your relationship with your ex and how you manage it in front of your children is none of her business.You have every right to put your children's wants first on their birthday etc.
This, does your son want your partner to be at his birthday celebration?