Expecting my new partner to accept our amicable relationship?

[Jeany1967]

Hi everyone,

Just a short back story and I'll include everything to try and get a factual opinion from you all :-)

I was married to my ex husband for 13 years and we have two children. He is a great father but slowly over the 13 years we grew apart. We were very different people and I think the thing that made up my mind was that he wasn't there for me and wasn't supportive when I lost my Mum and never understood the very close relationship I had with her (almost to the point of jealousy I want to say). I don't think this makes him a bad person, he just didn't get it and would never try and understand why I did so much for her. I suppose I grew to resent him and slowly over the 13 years I fell out of love with him and didn't want to grow old with him. I just knew it wasn't right.

I knew I was attracted to women from an early age but I met my husband and fell in love with him. We got engaged, kids followed and the rest is history.

I met a woman who I had so much in common with, who I was immensely attracted to and I knew I wanted to take things further. I spoke to my husband and told him that I wanted to separate and that I had feelings towards women. He took it very hard. He would always joke about me being gay but deep down I think he thought I wouldn't pursue it. We stayed living together (but didn't have a relationship) and then he found out that I was in a relationship with the this woman. She has two children from her previous marriage and the kids all get on so well.

My husband has made it clear to our children that he doesn't want to hear about my new partner (or her children) to the point where our children have stated that he 'hates them'. He would never use the word hate but our children have picked up on this animosity and think that he hates them. He blames the woman for our marriage ending (I have told him numerous times that she isn't the reason) but he won't accept it.

My ex and I have always been amicable around the children. We would do things together as a family of 4 even after I moved out and the kids benefitted from this I think. It's our son's birthday next weekend and I don't know what to do. My ex knows I'm in a new relationship but has asked me if we can spend the day together as a family for our son. My new partner has never understood why we continue to do things as a family and thinks it's giving our children the wrong message.

Our son would enjoy it if we were all together but I don't think he'd mind if we did things separately over the weekend either (with his Dad one day and with me and my new partner and her children the other day). It's my ex who says he wants to do it for our son.

Do I go and do something as a family and keep my ex and my son happy (and upset my new partner) or do I arrange something separately to keep my new partner (and my son who would be just as happy) happy?

Is it too much to expect everyone to just get along? I'm even thinking of arranging something (soft play/trampoline party) and just inviting everyone and just tell them both to get along for the sake of our son?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

Well this isn’t an amicable situation.
ExDH is still desperately upset and ‘hates’ new DP and kids.
Tob be honest I think you are thinking more about DP than DS who I’m sure would rather have his own family than mum’s new DP and kids along for HIS birthday.
I would stopping trying to make everyone play happy families and ask DS what would make him happiest in this situation and perhaps involve least animosity. Definitely keep your time with DH and DP separate.
You do need to accept that ExDH is not un reasonable to be sad and agree that you have become a lesbian and left him.

you are massively rushing this - are you still leaving with your ex or has he moved out

spendjng it as a family is giving a false message of hope
spending it with your new partner is far far too soon and is rushing it

separate properly and keep your new partner separate and give it time

Ds can never ask for new partner at celebrations as long as dad hates new partner. You can’t really blend families if you are asking your partner to pretend that they aren’t a step parent a few days a year. (I know that new partner is new and not a step parent yet ) There will be times when only mum and dad can attend an event because of limited tickets but long term, there can’t be a blended family really.
How new is the partner? You can’t get away with not inviting if very new but not long term imo (if blending is the goal)

So basically you cheated on your husband.
And he isnt accepting it.
You blame his shortcomings
And fail to blame that you were wrong

I feel sorry for the kids
But you are NOT the victim.

He is right to not wanting to hear about the kids.

And
She should not be invited to the party.
You were responsible and her for ending the marriage by the affair

How recent is all of this?
How are the children coping?
Are you living with your new partner?

It sounds like you still have 1 foot in the past to be honest. I think it will be hard for your new relationship if you are still playing happy families with your ex.
Are you worried about your children adapting to the new normal? Presumably they will adapt? They can gave a special day with each of you?

If doing things as a family works for you, do not change this for a new partner.

Ds can never ask for new partner at celebrations as long as dad hates new partner. wasn't my question. Was does ds want the dp?

Can't imagine many dc will say 'oh mum I'd much rather your new partner at my birthday party than dad'...

Hmmmm

I can imagine the comments that would be directed towards a male in OP's position, if a woman posted having been left by her husband who had a gay affair and now didn't want to play extended 'happy families' with the affair partner and children ....

If I get on well with your partner then I’d go and have a good day with them. You need to model a healthy relationship for your kids I wouldn’t let your new partner skew that. Even if she doesn’t understand it she needs to accept it (as I’m sure you would if her doing the same benefitted her kids). You’ve had this issue before with someone not supporting a relationship - this seems to be it in another form.
If you don’t want to do something that takes up a whole day could you do something that just overlaps (one of you do something in the morning, all meet for lunch and then the other one go and do something for the afternoon)?

I think it is good for children to see their parents get on if they have split up

So yes on birthdays Christmas maybe school plays - things that are important for the children it's nice you can be amicable and be in same room

Too many can't and it's not nice or fair for the kids

BUT sounds like it is very early days so if this is the first birthday split up I don't think it is fair for new partner to come and possibly ruin your sons birthday as will be an atmosphere

You do present a confusing picture. No need for joint parties. Or days out together. You are separated.

Why can’t you just do something with DS for his birthday? Why does your new GF have to be involved? Are you living with her now?

I totally disagree with the posts saying you aren’t a family anymore and should separate things. My parents didn’t talk for 15 years, so we did the separate thing. When we all started spending time together, getting together for special occasion etc, my life improved for the better.

some people co-parent, but some are more than capable of still being “families”. I consider us all one big family, step-parents included.

Never let your new partner dictate your dynamic. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave.

Of course you should do things as a family. Your children need that stability from their mum and dad and they shouldn’t have to miss out because you moved onto someone new. Make those memories with them. FWIW your partner sounds jealous which in your situation is a red flag.

I don't understand why you have entitled this "Expecting my new partner to accept our amicable relationship" when the only thing she seems to have done or said was:
"My new partner has never understood why we continue to do things as a family and thinks it's giving our children the wrong message."

The rest of the post is all about your ex DH who has given the children the impression he hates them (I presume you really did mean the children and not a gender neutral term for your partner). Your post really deserves the title "Expecting my ex to accept my new partner".

What's the timescale here? You were married, then you met this woman, you continued to live together while having a relationship with your new partner, now you have moved out. It all seems quite rushed and you are expecting him to come to terms with his life being completely upended and accept your new partner.

You have completely blurred the lines of the separation by living with him after the marriage ended and having a relationship with the new woman. Maybe he thought you were still together or working on the marriage and that everything would go back to normal. Now you continue to spend days out with him and the children - again it's confusing for everyone involved.

I think your son and your other child/children should have a birthday treat/party with Dad and then a separate birthday treat/party with you and your new partner and her children.

Yes it is too much to expect everybody to just get along, especially when the people involved are your ex, the woman that you left your marriage for, and two sets of children (yours who have seen their family life as they knew it, implode) and hers - neither set having much choice in the matter. Expecting children to just integrate with new partners and partners children, is unfair and unrealistic. They might get along in a sense, but they didn't choose each other as friends. You can be happy with your partner without both families becoming enmeshed. I would ask your son what he wants, but my suggestion would be doing something with your son, minus your partner and her children, and your ex doing something with your son. New girlfriends (yours or his) don't need to be involved at this stage.

Why do you think your ex should want to hear from your children about your happy life with your affair partner and their children? The fact it is a woman doesn't make it any different.
Imagine if the the OP had been - I had fallen out of love with my husband, but continued to stay married, then met a man I fancied, so I had an affair and left him. Now I have set up home with the OM and his children, but for some reason my ex-husband doesn't want to hear from my children about how happy we all are together.

I think you're being incredibly selfish and would vote YABU but it won't let me.

Your options should be

1. do something with child and parent of that child
2. do something with child and leave partner out of it

depending on how new this partner is, your child shouldn’t even know about her yet. She definitely shouldn’t be included in special outings.

you are free to date as much as you want. Your children don’t need to be part of your dating life.

I left my husband because I had feelings for somebody else.

Story very similar apart from the gender of the other person. We split up in lockdown, my grandma passed away, and he showed very little support, actually went as far as saying 'I'm going to invite all your dead family and have a party with them, I'd probably get more sense out of them' and alot of other things, hiding my keys, following me at work to scream and shout at me.

Yes. I broke the family up in his eyes, but we weren't compatible (not sure we ever were tbh) but I said from day one we wouldn't be going out as a family - because I didn't want to confuse our children (unfortunately that meant I had to go without seeing them sometimes!)

My story is more complicated in that I had a full blown MH breakdown and he took the kids.

But for the purpose of your story;

1. You need to ask that your ex stops making remarks to the kids as it's unhealthy, they don't need to know the ins and outs because they're children.
2. You can't really have family days and then expect your new partner to be OK with that because whilst it suits some split up families, it's not everyone's wish.
3. What does child want to do?

I am all for co-parenting and niceties (mine doesn't want to co-parent - think alienation) but I do think perhaps birthdays are different, they can be quite stressful at the best of times and emotionally fraught. Maybe try separate celebrations as child does need to get use to it too.

Your comment "become a lesbian and left him". sounds intentially shitty. Would you comment if it was a man who had posted and say he'd "become a gay"? OP already stated that she has had these feelings for women for years, so she didn't just wake up one day and say "you know what?I think I'll become a lesbian".

@Tass74 I agree. I think your ex is under the impression that because your new partner is a woman he can still run the family - there isn't a snowballs chance in hell he'd try this if you'd left him for a bloke.

It's a weird ask if your son isn't asking for this? Have I read that correctly?

I think it's lovely you can give your child the experience of having memories being made with both parents at the same time, rather than making your child feel torn. I wish I had that kind of coparenting relationship.

Your gf should respect that it's in your child's best interest.

However your ex must realise that at some point your gf will start to come to big life events. Occasionally. Just like he'll want to bring his next gf along. He shouldn't stand in the way of that either. But give him a year or two's grace.

@Unicornsanddiscoballs91
Story very similar apart from the gender of the other person. We split up in lockdown, my grandma passed away, and he showed very little support, actually went as far as saying 'I'm going to invite all your dead family and have a party with them, I'd probably get more sense out of them' and alot of other things, hiding my keys, following me at work to scream and shout at me.
How is that abuse from your ex remotely similar to I met a woman who I had so much in common with, who I was immensely attracted to and I knew I wanted to take things further. I spoke to my husband and told him that I wanted to separate and that I had feelings towards women. And I'm now in a relationship with her??🙄
'Hey spouse, ive got a new friend and realise I don't find you attractive any more.. let's split up, and whowouldathunkit..... like magic, guess who I'm now in a relationship with!! 😱'

It sounds like you lied to him about being gay, went on to marry him and have children with him under false pretences and then cheated on him.

This all sounds more like it's about you trying to prove everyone is fine and it's all worked out well in the end, no harm done, etc.

But you're the only one who seems to want things this way. Your ex is saying he doesn't want it, your partner is saying she doesn't want it. Your kids will say whatever they think you want to hear.

You're the only one who gets to have it how you want it. And, reading between the lines, I imagine that that is not a new dynamic for you.

I think the time might have come, OP, when you need to consider other people's feelings for once.

It’s hard for people to split up from a long term relationship without finding out their ex wife actually prefers women so it’s probably taking him time to come to terms with it and how you’ve used him for the last 13 years. Doing things as a family for the sake of the kids needs to stop unless it’s something like school concerts where you both attend but separately. It’s too confusing for everyone and you can’t have your cake and eat it.