Expecting my new partner to accept our amicable relationship?

[Jeany1967]

Hi everyone,

Just a short back story and I'll include everything to try and get a factual opinion from you all :-)

I was married to my ex husband for 13 years and we have two children. He is a great father but slowly over the 13 years we grew apart. We were very different people and I think the thing that made up my mind was that he wasn't there for me and wasn't supportive when I lost my Mum and never understood the very close relationship I had with her (almost to the point of jealousy I want to say). I don't think this makes him a bad person, he just didn't get it and would never try and understand why I did so much for her. I suppose I grew to resent him and slowly over the 13 years I fell out of love with him and didn't want to grow old with him. I just knew it wasn't right.

I knew I was attracted to women from an early age but I met my husband and fell in love with him. We got engaged, kids followed and the rest is history.

I met a woman who I had so much in common with, who I was immensely attracted to and I knew I wanted to take things further. I spoke to my husband and told him that I wanted to separate and that I had feelings towards women. He took it very hard. He would always joke about me being gay but deep down I think he thought I wouldn't pursue it. We stayed living together (but didn't have a relationship) and then he found out that I was in a relationship with the this woman. She has two children from her previous marriage and the kids all get on so well.

My husband has made it clear to our children that he doesn't want to hear about my new partner (or her children) to the point where our children have stated that he 'hates them'. He would never use the word hate but our children have picked up on this animosity and think that he hates them. He blames the woman for our marriage ending (I have told him numerous times that she isn't the reason) but he won't accept it.

My ex and I have always been amicable around the children. We would do things together as a family of 4 even after I moved out and the kids benefitted from this I think. It's our son's birthday next weekend and I don't know what to do. My ex knows I'm in a new relationship but has asked me if we can spend the day together as a family for our son. My new partner has never understood why we continue to do things as a family and thinks it's giving our children the wrong message.

Our son would enjoy it if we were all together but I don't think he'd mind if we did things separately over the weekend either (with his Dad one day and with me and my new partner and her children the other day). It's my ex who says he wants to do it for our son.

Do I go and do something as a family and keep my ex and my son happy (and upset my new partner) or do I arrange something separately to keep my new partner (and my son who would be just as happy) happy?

Is it too much to expect everyone to just get along? I'm even thinking of arranging something (soft play/trampoline party) and just inviting everyone and just tell them both to get along for the sake of our son?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

Why will your new partner be upset with you for spending the day with your child and his father?

Couldn't have put it better myself!

This is where I believe society goes wrong.

Just because they have seperated doesn't make them not family.
They share kids together they will always be family no matter what.
The fact they are both mature enough to continue doing things as a family sets a great example for their kids on how just because they don't live together or love each other in that way anymore doesn't mean they aren't family anymore. Seeing their parents get on must be great for them and what an exa.ple it sets in the coparenting world.

But most new partners don't want to become part of a ready-made nuclear family. They want to create their own relationship, not be some supporting role bit-player. It's a massive and unfair ask of a new partner. It doesn't mean things have to be frosty and acrimonious but it does mean anyone involved in the situation - new partners included - should be allowed to draw their own boundaries and have them respected.

I’m sorry to be so blunt (and sure many won’t agree) but you are not a family unit anymore. It seems from your post that this has been a request from your ex husband and not your son himself. If your ex husband could accept your new partner (and children) then you could all go out together to celebrate but for him to isolate you from your new relationship isn’t fair on anyone but most of all him. This isn’t about not putting your son first, in my opinion it’s actuallh potentially damaging to encourage the whole happy family celebrations when your ex husband is so against accepting your new relationship, your children new family unit with your partner. It’s not going to help your children in the long run.

You left your husband for a woman, he's feeling wounded and doesn't want to hear about it - fair enough i'd say. I have friends in this situation and after many years they do all get along but i'm sorry but you can't really blame him for not wanting to hear all about it. Leaving him for a man would have hurt but a woman does dent a mans manly'ness somewhat!! Yes you would have left him anyway but he won't acknowledge that part. Do what you think is best for your child but don't expect him to join in with your new family.

You've pretty much admitted in your OP that you had, at the very minimum, an emotional affair whilst still married and living with the bloke.

So suck it up for the sake of the kids. It's one bloody day that is important for your children. You can spend 364 days playing happy families with your affair partner.

It's wonderful if you can continue to do things with your ex and your shared children, but doesn't sound like it makes much sense in your case. I have a lot of friends with divorced parents, some who won't speak, some who are amicable and some who are still good friends and do things together with the kids. The latter is positive even for adult children - you may not longer be a nuclear family but you're still the family of your children - so if you can make it work it's great but I don't see how that makes sense while he's refusing to accept or be civil towards your partner.

It's concerning that he's negative towards your new partner to that level. He needs to do something to work on that, and that's probably going to be hard because he sees the new partner as the reason your relationship ended. His disrespect (not only to your partner but by extension to you and your children by making the issue so obvious) is what's causing the issue here.

There is another option.
Be kind to both your ex and your son by doing something involving him in the morning, then a separate thing in the afternoon with the new partner and family. Don't throw them together.
Your ex wants to see his son on his birthday which is understandable. His expecting to spend a full day together "as a family' isn't when you are no longer a family. I guess your children are young if you're talking about soft play, so it's confusing for them.
Plus you need to signal that your future is with the new partner so the time with them should be "the main event".

Plus you need to signal that your future is with the new partner so the time with them should be "the main event". @MellersSmellers what?! You're saying tell your child that the 'main event' of THEIR BIRTHDAY is making sure the new girlfriend is involved??
Ops birthday, yes.. the child's? NO!!

i haven’t read responses.

I separated from my husband when my children were small (6 - 10 age range) and co- parented to teen/adulthood.

We continued to do regular ‘family’ things. Birthdays, ice skating, farm parks etc. As well as some holiday trips.

Both of us had other relationships during that period. Personally, I would not have stayed in a relationship with someone who had an issue with ‘family’ days. The days were to provide stability and a happy childhood. My children are now mostly grown and I don’t regret prioritising their needs for a minute. I think I may have regretted prioritising the needs of a partner who was pressurising me though.

The holidays - I was single for periods of time too and most of these happened during those times. I could understand a partner feeling uncomfortable with this. Had anyone objected to overnight stays (very seperate accommodation!) I would have taken that on board and skipped the holiday.

Everyone’s situation is different but just thought I’d share that I think this co parenting approach has contributed greatly to my children having a happy childhood and turning into well rounded adults/teens. It’s worth, in my opinion, sticking to your guns over

Hi op,

your new partner can’t understand that even though you are separated you don’t hate each other?

It is because it is harder for her to find her place.

My advice is for you to do what is best for your son. The one that doesn’t align with that should step aside and just admit it is too hard this time around and plan something else. The child is not to be the stage of egos.
I would also think that the dad will always be the dad. The mum will always be the mum. The new partner should really keep out of what is working, support you and coming as extra not instead.

Thank you to you all for your advice and views.

My son is very easy going. He would be happy for us all to be together for his birthday or just as happy doing things separately. My ex husband is starting a new job soon which will mean he will only see the children every other weekend so I think he just wants my son to have the best birthday he can. There are no feelings between us at all and it's all for the children.

Our children are 8 and 7 but are very happy children who have adapted well to our new situation and adore my new partner's children and see us as a family. My new partner and I were friends before feelings developed so my children have got to know her incredibly well. I'm not currently living with my new partner and it's just myself and the children at the moment as we take things slow.

Having thought about it all over the last couple of days I realise that it was probably unreasonable if me to think that we could all be able to function at the same get together so soon. I separated from my ex husband 18 months ago but he blames my new partner for ending our marriage. Things were awful before she came along and she gave me the push I needed but I don't think he'll ever accept it. There will be times when we will have to be together under the same roof in the future (weddings etc) so I really hope everything is less raw for everyone as time goes on.

I know my ex is hurt but my new partner's children (3 & 6) shouldn't have to feel that my children's dad hates them. They are children and shouldn't be made to feel like that. It isn't right and my ex has to learn to not show his emotions in front of the children.

My parents divorced when I was 9 and they never spoke to each other and things were less than amicable. I hated that and I don't want that for my children at all which is why I'm trying to make my son's birthday a very happy occasion.

Thanks all!

Won't your poor child be confused without clearer boundaries?

Not at all. He knows I am no longer married to his Dad and I'm with a new partner. He wants me there for his actual birthday day. He's not going to suddenly think we're back together or get confused if we spend one day in each others company.

In the nicest way possible... girlfriends will come and go. In the best case scenario maybe this woman will be your girlfriend forever BUT your son will 100% be your son forever. Ask him what he genuinely wants. If it makes him happy to see you together as a family of 4, for his birthday do that

This sums it up perfectly, focus on your child

That's a them problem then.

I'd be estatic if I got a new partner and they would be happy for the coparenting same if my sons father was to get a new partner I'd hope she would want to be on board with having a fabulous blended family.
If you get with a partner who has a child then you should expect to get along with the child's other parents also your joining a family unit not creating a new one.

And if that's not for you then don't get with someone who has kids simple.

It’s a tough one, but I think I would be led by whatever it is my DS wants in this situation. It’s his birthday. I think you should make it clear to your ex DH and your new partner that your son would like to do XYZ and they can either choose to join in or not. I wish you all the best.