AIBU to hate the ongoing concept that 'the man must propose'?

[moderndilemma]

So many threads where people are waiting for a proposal...

But also personal experience where the youngest (grandchildren equivalant age 4/5/6) are asking when Uncle Bob will propose to Auntie Alice.

What kind of world and systems and ideas are we perpetuating?

I completely agree. I suppose I’m a hypocrite because I was proposed to, however, that was just the rubber stamp, we’d pretty much agreed we were going to get married by that point and even roughly when we were going to get engaged. I’m amazed more people don’t question it - that and changing your surname (I didn’t).

Many of the customs around marriage are outdated. Taking the man's name, the man proposing and buying a ring, the father giving away the bride. As well as the absolutely ridiculous amount of money people spend on one day.

Some women are so eager to get married they'll march a mop with a hat down the aisle because they've been sold a load of crap since they were children.

I want to be proposed to not do the proposing. And when it happens, and we get married, I will change my name. It's traditional and I like that.

The thing I find so outdated is women not giving their kids their own surname. The whole thing about agreeing to get engaged is so ridiculous. Just agree to get married and do it. It doesn't need anyone to "propose".

I liked the romance of being proposed to. Some old fashioned traditions are lovely.

I would never have proposed to my husband. But I guess if he wasn’t the romantic gesture type, we may have just drifted into marriage by mutual agreement. I do think it’s a bit daft when women on here who live with their partner and have children together, are waiting for the big proposal and an engagement. It seems a bit silly at that stage in life.

I agree, me and my partner just agreed one night to get engaged but I'm not very traditional or romantic

I completely agree. I fail to see what is romantic about having no agency in the timing of a huge life decision.
My DH and I got married after mutually agreeing that it was about time we did. I also kept my surname.

Men really, really, do not like being proposed to. Some things are best left as they are.

We agreed we wanted to marry and he proposed on a day we both knew he would. So a bit of both I suppose? It was still romantic and I am a bit traditional in some ways. We have a very equal relationship and actually have our own unique surname that we chose together.

I find the "Ooo, he's going to propose / hasn't proposed" threads bizarre. I don't know people like that in real life. I mean, I'm sure I work with some, but that helpless passive attitude to proposing is really weird.

This thread is bad taste given that there's clearly a thread at the moment about this so you're directing at that OP. So what if people like following some traditions, surely that's up to them. Just like it's up to you not to.

I haven't seen the other thread but it drives me nuts when I see threads about women waiting around for a man to propose as if they have no agency over their own lives. We should be challenging these notions.

There is no problem with people doing the traditional proposal etc if that's what they want to do, but we should also be teaching young women that they can take the initiative too if they want to. Surely in most mature, healthy relationships, the topic of future plans just comes up quite naturally?

I'm pretty sure people know they can take initiative if they want to. No one should be doing anything, apart from staying in their own lane.

So they can propose themselves then if they want to get married. No need for all of the handwringing when the men in their lives don't do it. It's pathetic!

💤

I haven't seen the other thread but I agree. I simply can't understand why two adults in an equal relationship wouldn't have a "shall we get married?" conversation which is what DH and did. No need to be engaged, just discuss it and then either plan a wedding or don't bother. I don't see what's romantic about waiting around for a man to take the initiative on a big decision. Have some agency!

I like the tradition of it. Plus it's a chance for the man to put some thought into something and show they can be romantic!

Now there is a constructive, intelligent response.

It's a bit boring and unromantic? Always doing the "right thing" is a bit depressing and takes all the joy out of life.

A surprise proposal is exciting and fun. A discussion over breakfast deciding together is more like a business transaction, or a practical consideration. If you are happy with the latter that's fine, but a lot of people want matters of love to be fun and romantic and exciting, and that's fine too.

But you calling people pathetic who want to be traditional is really constructive and intelligent isn't it? The irony.

My DH even asked my mum for permission (my dad isn't about) which I thought was lovely and my mum LOVED it! She was never going to say no of course (and if she had it wouldn't have changed anything!), but it was just a nice romantic gesture, showed how much thought my DH had put into it, and meant my mum also knew in advance which I liked as it kept her involved.

No, I already said It's fine if people want to do the traditional thing. Each to their own and all that.

But yes, I absolutely do find it pathetic when someone is unhappy about a situation but acts as if they have no power to do anything about it, even though the solution is quite obviously within their grasp! I would absolutely not want my own dd to grow up with such a presumption of her own powerlessness, and so I think it's really important that we challenge these outdated notions as and when appropriate.

It's OK for people to want a man to propose. It's OK for a woman to propose. It's all ok. No one needs to get their knickers twisted calling people pathetic. You do you, and they can do them.

I don't agree that this is just about personal choices. It is societal attitudes that make some women feel they have to wait to be asked. I don't support those attitudes.

Of course it is fine for people to want the man to propose. If they're happy to wait or aren't that bothered about marriage anyway, then it's no big deal. I just don't have any sympathy for those that complain about it when it doesn't happen according to their expected timescales.

In fairness, I doubt those people care that you don't have sympathy. Each to their own.