AIBU to hate the ongoing concept that 'the man must propose'?

[moderndilemma]

So many threads where people are waiting for a proposal...

But also personal experience where the youngest (grandchildren equivalant age 4/5/6) are asking when Uncle Bob will propose to Auntie Alice.

What kind of world and systems and ideas are we perpetuating?

I agree with this.

However I do think in general women are more inclined to be invested in relationships especially if they want children.
Men proposing at least weeds out the time wasters if getting married is important to a woman.

That's fine, I don't care that they don't care. Those outdated views still need challenging though, so that our daughters don't make the same mistakes.

I was proposed to, but we'd already had the conversation about what we both wanted, life timescales etc and I wasn't winging my hands waiting. I had a professional career and my own home. I am very much a planner and organiser, in every aspect of my life and always have been. So it was good for me to let go and let someone else do the thinking. DH bought me a beautiful ring which is exactly my style and when we got married we both double barrelled. When we had ds we both compressed our working hours to share childcare, do equal pick ups/drop offs and whilst I'm still the organiser and planner he blitzes through the housework on his day off (DS now at school) does a lot of laundry and pretty much all of the ironing, I tend to do the shopping and cooking, we do little bits during the week and the gardening together, he probably does more diy but it's close and I'm currently in the throws of managing a couple of building projects on our home. We play to our strengths.
Some of us are just fine.

ETA my dad also walked my down the aisle, but because he was giving me away but because our was a lovely moment to share with him, access when DH told my parents he was going to propose on an upcoming holiday, my dad said I'm glad you're not asking for our permission she's always done what she wanted anyway.

I don’t mind either way but I don’t get the whole planned proposal thing or the frustration that he hasn’t asked yet. Dh didn’t propose. We just decided to get married. If you want to get married just ask him.

I agree. I have no issue with people wanting to be proposed to, but often when it's come up on here there's a tone of sneering (from some posters) at women who have proposed, like "well if he couldn't be bothered to propose, I'd assume he wasn't committed", "I'd never have done that, it's sad and desperate" etc.

Neither DH or I proposed. We just decided to get married.

I think nowadays some couples have the 'shall we get married' conversation with a positive decision, but then the woman still waits for a formal proposal - with an expectation that this will be theatrical in nature. Which is fine if it happens reasonably soon after the agreement to get married, but can lead to the situations you read of on here, where the woman is left waiting months or even years for the 'proposal' and you start to wonder if the man agreed to it just to string her along.

I heard ‘traditions’ recently described as the dead controlling the living.
And have a friend online dating still trying to play the coy Jane Austen heroine -makes no sense now when women in this country are free form those conventions in the days when women had no power.

If you’re partner’s ego is this fragile, then you’ve got a bad one.

I agree OP. We just decided to get married, bought a ring and set a date a few months later we were married. Just get on with it. People make such a big song and dance about it.

Well, given that you weren't wringing your hands waiting, there clearly wasn't a problem.

I'm never totally sure as to what the point of a "proposal" is, if the couple has already discussed and agreed that they want to get married - surely they are effectively engaged at this point already? Totally fair enough if they value the whole ritual of the big "romantic proposal" but at that point, it's presumably more of a formality than an actual proposal because the engagement is already a done deal.

Yeah, massive red flag for me if a man had a problem with me exercising agency in my own life!

I also find the idea of a man putting a ring on 'that' finger somewhat possessive and weird . Probably my fear of being controlled coming out, but it does seem to harp back to when a woman was a chattel somewhat.
Exchanging wedding rings if both want to wear one seems different.

I've been married 10 years and I don't think
I'll ever have a proposal in my lifetime.

I have always done the initiating in relationships and the men have just gone along with it. Then it has invariably turned out they weren't interested and were just being polite. I'm not stupid enough (now) to think that anyone would want to marry me again but if I was ever in that situation I would want the man to propose. I'm not antifeminist but I wouldn't want to be made a fool of again.

Each to their own, but I get frustrated at all the threads by women who are desperately waiting for the man with whom they share a house (and often children) to propose - when it is clear that he already has everything as it suits him and most likely has no intention to formalise the relationship.

Agreed OP. This accepted half-way house of feminism really drives me crazy sometimes. Tiptoeing around men’s fragile egos so they can feel like they're in charge and doing the woman a favour. I’m not sure how a big, public proposal with loads of friends and family involved behind the scenes is anything other than coercive (and for effing Instagram)

Have a conversation about where you think the relationship is going and just get on with it. It’s not unromantic deciding together, we had a lovely talk about our future and how we both thought it would pan out. We walked each other down the aisle also.

Tradition has always had a lot of meaning for me. I wanted a man who would pay to take me on dates (coffee dates but still) and I wanted the man to propose to me, I wanted to be married before having children and I wanted to take my husbands last name. I also wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle, which he did and it’s the only time I ever saw him with his hair brushed so it was an extra special moment!

Maybe it’s because I had a miserable upbringing that I relied on tradition to provide me with life markers that I didn’t get growing up. I have absolutely no judgment for anyone who went about life differently because everyone has different experiences and motivations. Whatever the reasons, I found these sorts of traditions very important and comforting in my life

I find the whole proposal concept weird and outdated and the people who discuss and agree to get married but are then waiting for this fake ‘proposal’ are the worst.

Agreeing to get married is literally what getting engaged is, it’s already happened by that point so just plan the wedding ffs and stop it with the silliness.

Me too. We didn’t make a big thing about it though. Only together 3 weeks when he shouted “fancy getting married” while I was in the bath one night . Took us until 9 years later to actually do it though but still her 30 years on.

I would say both my husband and I are romantic. We do thoughtful things for each other, surprise each other with romantic gestures, etc.

I’m not sure where the notion comes from that you can only be romantic if a man proposes to you, that’s not very romantic to me!

We love each other, talked about having children together, told each other we wanted to marry each other. We got married a month later, no ‘proposal’. It all felt very romantic to the both of us!

But, that’s just our relationship. We are equals, we do equal housework, child care, paid work, etc. That to me is the definition of being a family, not a proposal and all having the same name.

Agree. Marriage should be a mutual decision. The concept of surprise proposals where the woman gushes about not seeing it coming are not romantic at all imo.

Yes, it’s completely ridiculous. However, the posters on here who obsess about ‘Why hasn’t he proposed?’ are usually vocalising some other anxiety or resentment — often a lackadaisical or lazy partner who does not seem particularly thrilled to be in a relationship with them, or who never plans anything, takes any initiative, or in fact does much other than work or sit on the sofa in his pants. The male proposal tradition thus turns into a proof that Mr UnDreamboat actually gives a shit or is capable of the enormous heights of spending money on a ring, and booking a restaurant/arranging a weekend away/walk to a beauty spot.

So while I think that obsessing over an anachronistic romantic gesture is deeply silly, it’s actually genuinely sad when a proposal has to bear the weight of making up for a bad relationship.

DH and I agreed to get married during a breakfast conversation. We hadn't planned to discuss it that morning, but it came up, we talked about, and realised that, yes, we both wanted to get married. I think we both felt quite giddy at the realisation that we were 100% on the same page and wanted to take the next step.

We then went back to bed for some celebratory sex before going out for a nice lunch together.

It might not have been a surprise proposal, but a business transaction it was not.

I think it is some weird 'I need to be a princess and a big strong man needs to propose so I can show everyone I caught one'

It seems infantile a bit, but if it genuinely works for them fine, but then the jealousy and other issues surface and creep in

It is said the bigger the proposal and the massive show off wedding the shorter the marriage but who knows

@Alaimo I also laughed at the idea of a business transaction.

Ours started with a conversation on the sofa one afternoon and it was a really lovely and exciting time. Very romantic, I wouldn't change it. 6 weeks later we were married. No regrets.